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Life After Brown
Heard Any Good Ones: Archive
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<blockquote data-quote="moreluck" data-source="post: 60563"><p>Santa is a Girl! </p><p>> </p><p>> I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, </p><p>> but I believe he's a she. </p><p>> </p><p>> Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, </p><p>> nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could </p><p>> possibly pull it all off! </p><p>> </p><p>> For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about </p><p>> selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always </p><p>> seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood </p><p>> </p><p>> rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a </p><p>> </p><p>> woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up </p><p>> Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, </p><p>> still </p><p>> in the bag. </p><p>> </p><p>> Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, </p><p>> there </p><p>> would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped </p><p>> on </p><p>> to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that </p><p>> buck </p><p>> season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to </p><p>> the </p><p>> taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have </p><p>> </p><p>> transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in </p><p>> the </p><p>> snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. </p><p>> </p><p>> Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: Men can't pack a bag. </p><p>> Men </p><p>> would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men would feel </p><p>> their </p><p>> masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. Men </p><p>> don't </p><p>> answer their mail. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be </p><p>> described </p><p>> even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." Men </p><p>> aren't </p><p>> interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. Having to do </p><p>> the </p><p>> 'Ho Ho Ho' thing would seriously harm their macho image. </p><p>> </p><p>> Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I </p><p>> can </p><p>> buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men... Father </p><p>> Time </p><p>> shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. </p><p>> Cupid </p><p>> flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to </p><p>> point </p><p>> fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone </p><p>> screening </p><p>> test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance </p><p>> </p><p>> </p><p>> </p><p>> </p><p>></p></blockquote><p></p>
[QUOTE="moreluck, post: 60563"] Santa is a Girl! > > I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, > but I believe he's a she. > > Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, > nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could > possibly pull it all off! > > For starters, the vast majority of men don't even think about > selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always > seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets, and mood > > rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, I'm convinced Santa is a > > woman. Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up > Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree, > still > in the bag. > > Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, > there > would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped > on > to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that > buck > season had been extended. Blitzen's rack would already be on the way to > the > taxidermist. Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, he'd still have > > transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in > the > snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions. > > Other reasons why Santa can't possibly be a man: Men can't pack a bag. > Men > would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet. Men would feel > their > masculinity is threatened...having to be seen with all those elves. Men > don't > answer their mail. Men would refuse to allow their physique to be > described > even in jest as anything remotely resembling a "bowlful of jelly." Men > aren't > interested in stockings unless somebody's wearing them. Having to do > the > 'Ho Ho Ho' thing would seriously harm their macho image. > > Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment. I > can > buy the fact that other mythical holiday characters are men... Father > Time > shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definite guy. > Cupid > flies around carrying weapons. Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to > point > fingers. Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone > screening > test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance > > > > > [/QUOTE]
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