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Message: <blockquote data-quote="moreluck" data-source="post: 157730" data-attributes="member: 1246">George Carlin's New Rules for 2007New Rule:Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com!  There's a reason youdon't talk to people for 25 years.  Because you don't particularly likethem!  Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team isdoing these days     mowing my lawn.New Rule:Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're aseagull.  People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in abowl of Wendy's chili.  Hey, it cost less than a dollar.  What did youexpect it to contain?  Trout?New Rule:Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone.  Here's how much men care about youreyebrows: do you have two of them?  Okay, we're done.New Rule:There's no such thing as flavored water.  There's a whole aisle of thisstuff at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste.  Sorry, butflavored water is called a soft drink.  You want flavored water?  Pour somescotch over ice and let it melt.  That's your flavored water.New Rule:Stop messing with old people.  Target is introducing a redesigned pillbottle that's square, with a bigger label.  And the top is now the bottom.And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in themorgue.  Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Securitycrisis.New Rule:The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot.  If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, icedvanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge idiot.New Rule:I'm not the cashier!  By the time I look up from sliding my card, enteringmy PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.New Rule:Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make youspiritual.  It's right above the crack of your butt.  And it translates to"beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you werepraying to God you weren't pregnant.  You're not spiritual.  You're justhigh.New Rule:Competitive eating isn't a sport.  It's one of the seven deadly sins.ESPN recently televised the U.S.  Open of Competitive Eating, becausewatching those athletes at the poker table was just too dang exciting.What's next, competitive farting?  Oh wait.  They're already doing that.It's called "The Howard Stern Show."New Rule:I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.New Rule:If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old televisionshows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens.  Let's remember the reasonsomething was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn'tgood enough to be a movie.New Rule:No more gift registries.  You know, it used to be just for weddings.  Nowit's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.  Picking out thestuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving,it's the white people version of looting.New Rule: and this one is long overdue:No more bathroom attendants.  After I zip up, some guy is offering me atowel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael.  I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish.  Idon't want to be on your web cam, dude.  I just want to wash my hands.New Rule:When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months.  "27Months." "He's two," will do just fine.  He's not a cheese.  And I didn'treally care in the first place.New Rule:If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better Than minimum wage, then for goodness sake don't pierce or tattoo everyavailable piece of flesh.  If so, then plan your future around saying" Doyou want fries with that?"</blockquote>

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