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Message: <blockquote data-quote="moreluck" data-source="post: 320152" data-attributes="member: 1246">SUBJECT: THANK YOU VERY MUCH  I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using apaper towel. I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.  I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed. I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because thenumber one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose. (Althoughcell phone usage may be taking the number one spot)< o<img src="/community/styles/default/xenforo/smilies/tongue.png"  class="smilie" loading="lazy" alt=":p" title="Stick Out Tongue    :p" data-shortname=":p" />> Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years. I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck! I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in theglue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelopethat needs sealing. Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown)who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I rece ive the$15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking outfor me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish. I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers. I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a waterbuffalo on a hot day. Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forwardan email to seven of my friends and make a wishwithin five minutes. Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.  I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the carso a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas. I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make theseproducts are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God'on their cans. I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer. And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwaveanymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life. I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be prickedwith a needle infected with AIDS. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfumesample and rob me. I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise. I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support ourAmerican troops or the Salvation Army. I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a numberfor which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan. I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have theirrecipe. Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when itbites my butt. And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in theparking lot because it probably was placed there bya sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.   </blockquote>

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