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Message: <blockquote data-quote="moreluck" data-source="post: 401281" data-attributes="member: 1246">GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want ajob that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sakedon't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so,then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries withthat?'New Rule: No more gift registries You know, it used to be justfor weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes andgraduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want andhaving other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's thewhite peoples version of looting.New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a windowunless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that ahuman finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, itcost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain?Lobster?New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with theirhot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a betterdescription for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.'New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseballcards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures ofmen.New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how muchmen care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good,we're done.New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's awhole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but,without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is calleda soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch overice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the pr*ck. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decafgrandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot,gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with oneSweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a hugepr*ck.New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up fromsliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,'verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, andpressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringingme up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.New Rule: Just because your tattoo has chinese characters in itdoesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of yourass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last timeyou did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren'tpregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of theseven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open ofCompetitive Eating, because watching those athletes at thepoker table was just too damned exciting. What's next,competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that.It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.'New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungryfor M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based oncrappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone inthe Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the otherscreens. Let's remember the reason something was a televisionshow in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough tobe a movie.New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroomattendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a toweland a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can'teven tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freakwith a fetish. I just want to wash my hands.New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need tohear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not acheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.</blockquote>

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