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<blockquote data-quote="moreluck" data-source="post: 572101" data-attributes="member: 1246">Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor &gt; columnist for the Miami Herald. &gt; &gt; Dave Barry&#039;s Colonoscopy Journal: &gt; &gt; I called my friend Andy Sable, a &gt; gastroenterologist, to make an appointment &gt; for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, &gt; Andy showed me a colored diagram of the colon, &nbsp;&gt; a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, &nbsp;&gt; at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then &gt; Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, &gt; reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, &nbsp;&gt; but I didn&#039;t really hear anything he said, because my brain &gt; was shrieking,quote, &#039;HE&#039;S GOING TO STICK A TUBE &gt; 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!&#039; &gt; &gt; I left Andy&#039;s office with some written &gt; instructions, and a prescription for &gt; a product called MoviPrep, which comes in a box &nbsp;&gt; large enough to hold a microwave oven. &nbsp;&gt; I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to &gt; say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands &nbsp;&gt; of America&#039;s enemies. &gt; &gt; I spent the next several days product ively sitting &gt; around being nervous. &gt; Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my &gt; preparation. In accordance with my instructions, &nbsp;&gt; I didn&#039;t eat any solid food that day; all I had was &gt; chicken broth, which is basically water, only with &gt; less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. &nbsp;&gt; You mix two packets of powder together in a &gt; one-liter plastic jug,and then you fill it with &gt; lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, &nbsp;&gt; a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to &gt; drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, &gt; because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - &nbsp;&gt; like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just &gt; the slightest hint of lemon. &gt; &gt; The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by &gt; somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after &nbsp;&gt; you drink it, &#039;a loose watery bowel movement may &gt; result.&#039; This is kind of like saying that after you &gt; jump off your roof, you may experience contact &nbsp;&gt; with the ground. &gt; &gt; MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don&#039;t want to be &gt; too=2 0graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a &nbsp;&gt; space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep &gt; experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are &gt; times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. &nbsp;&gt; You spend several hours pretty much confined to the &gt; bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. &nbsp;&gt; And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, &nbsp;&gt; you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at &gt; which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels &gt; travel into the future and start eliminating food &nbsp;&gt; that you have not even eaten yet. &gt; &gt; After an action-packed evening, I finally got to &gt; sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. &nbsp;&gt; I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about &gt; the procedure, but I had been experiencing &gt; occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. &nbsp;&gt; I was thinking, &#039;What if I spurt on Andy?&#039; &nbsp;&gt; How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? &nbsp;&gt; Mere flowers and chocolates would not be enough. &gt; &gt; At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging &nbsp;&gt; that I understood and&gt; totally agreed with whatever the heck &nbsp;&gt; the forms said. Then they led me to a &gt; room full of20other colonoscopy people, where I went &gt; inside a little curtained space and took off all my clothes &nbsp;&gt; and put on one of those hospital garments &nbsp;&gt; designed by sadist perverts - the kind that, when &gt; you put it on, it makes you feel even more defenseless &nbsp;&gt; than when you were actually unclad. &gt; &gt; Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a &gt; vein in my left hand. &gt; Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very &gt; good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me &nbsp;&gt; that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first &nbsp;&gt; I was ticked off that I hadn&#039;t thought of this, &nbsp;&gt; but then I pondered what would happen if you got &nbsp;&gt; your self too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, and you &gt; were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You &gt; would have had no choice but to burn your house. &gt; &gt; When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into &gt; the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a &nbsp;&gt; nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the &gt; 17,000-foot tube,but I knew Andy had it hidden &gt; around there somewhere. I was seriously tense by this point. &nbsp;&gt; Andy had me rollC2over on my left side, and the &gt; anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the &gt; needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, &nbsp;&gt; and I realized that the song was &#039;Dancing Queen&#039; &gt; by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs &gt; that could be playing during this particular procedure, &nbsp;&gt; this one had to be the least ap propriate. &gt; &gt; &#039;You want me to turn it up?&#039; said Andy, from &gt; somewhere behind me. &#039;Ha ha,&#039; I said. &nbsp;&gt; And then it was time, the moment I had been &gt; dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, &nbsp;&gt; prepare yourself,because I am going to tell &gt; you,in explicit detail,exactly what it was like. &gt; &gt; I have no idea! Really. I slept through it. One &gt; moment, Abba was shrieking &gt; &#039;Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine&#039; &gt; and the next moment, I was back in the other room, &nbsp;&gt; waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking &gt; down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt &gt; excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy &nbsp;&gt; told me that it was all over, and that my colon &nbsp;&gt; had passed with flying colors. I have never been &nbsp;&gt; more proud of an internal organ. &gt; ( I would say &#039;Cheers&#039;, but somehow the expression &gt; &#039;Up Yours&#039; has a more appropriate ring to it. Hope you liked the article</blockquote>

[QUOTE="moreluck, post: 572101, member: 1246"] Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor > columnist for the Miami Herald. > > Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal: > > I called my friend Andy Sable, a > gastroenterologist, to make an appointment > for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, > Andy showed me a colored diagram of the colon, > a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, > at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then > Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, > reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, > but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain > was shrieking,quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE > 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!' > > I left Andy's office with some written > instructions, and a prescription for > a product called MoviPrep, which comes in a box > large enough to hold a microwave oven. > I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to > say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands > of America's enemies. > > I spent the next several days product ively sitting > around being nervous. > Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my > preparation. In accordance with my instructions, > I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was > chicken broth, which is basically water, only with > less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. > You mix two packets of powder together in a > one-liter plastic jug,and then you fill it with > lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, > a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to > drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, > because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - > like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just > the slightest hint of lemon. > > The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by > somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after > you drink it, 'a loose watery bowel movement may > result.' This is kind of like saying that after you > jump off your roof, you may experience contact > with the ground. > > MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be > too=2 0graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a > space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep > experience, with you as the shuttle.. There are > times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. > You spend several hours pretty much confined to the > bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. > And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, > you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at > which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels > travel into the future and start eliminating food > that you have not even eaten yet. > > After an action-packed evening, I finally got to > sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. > I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about > the procedure, but I had been experiencing > occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. > I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' > How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? > Mere flowers and chocolates would not be enough. > > At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging > that I understood and> totally agreed with whatever the heck > the forms said. Then they led me to a > room full of20other colonoscopy people, where I went > inside a little curtained space and took off all my clothes > and put on one of those hospital garments > designed by sadist perverts - the kind that, when > you put it on, it makes you feel even more defenseless > than when you were actually unclad. > > Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a > vein in my left hand. > Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very > good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me > that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first > I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, > but then I pondered what would happen if you got > your self too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, and you > were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You > would have had no choice but to burn your house. > > When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into > the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a > nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the > 17,000-foot tube,but I knew Andy had it hidden > around there somewhere. I was seriously tense by this point. > Andy had me rollC2over on my left side, and the > anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the > needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, > and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' > by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs > that could be playing during this particular procedure, > this one had to be the least ap propriate. > > 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from > somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. > And then it was time, the moment I had been > dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, > prepare yourself,because I am going to tell > you,in explicit detail,exactly what it was like. > > I have no idea! Really. I slept through it. One > moment, Abba was shrieking > 'Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine' > and the next moment, I was back in the other room, > waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking > down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt > excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy > told me that it was all over, and that my colon > had passed with flying colors. I have never been > more proud of an internal organ. > ( I would say 'Cheers', but somehow the expression > 'Up Yours' has a more appropriate ring to it. Hope you liked the article [/QUOTE]

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