Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

"I was married 3 times" explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull."
"That's a shame." said his friend , "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

 

[moreluck]

Elements: Two new chemical elements have recently been discovered. Here for the first time is a description of their properties.

Element Name: WOMAN
==================

Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (don't even go there!)
Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze any time. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical properties:
Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold,silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.


Element Name: MAN
================

Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/-50)
Physical properties: Solid at room temperature,but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young samples.

Chemical properties:
Attempts to bond with WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (Element:Child) for prolonged period of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known.
Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

* Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell

 

[moreluck]

Honey-Woney

.. A man comes home after a hard day's work, and is looking forward to relaxing. He pours himself a glass of wine, eats a delicious home-cooked meal prepared by his wife, and goes up to his bedroom, where he and his wife have separate beds. His wife follows him up a few minutes later.
"Honey-woney," the man says, "I just want to thank you for fixing me such a delicious meal. I am blessed to have such a wife as you." He then turns out the light and tries to sleep. After several minutes he finds he can't nod off.
"Sweety pie," he calls out, "I'm lonely." His wife gets out of bed and makes her way accross the room, but she slips and bangs her nose. "Did my little bunny fall and hurt her nosey-wosey?" the man asks, as his wife climbs in bed with him.
There follows a 3 hour session of sex. When the couple have finished, the wife heads back over to her own bed, and as she goes she slips up a second time.
"Clumsy Bitch," the man mutters.

 

[moreluck]

Leave it to kids

We raise quarter horses, and one afternoon my husband, our eight- year-old son, Matthew, and I were all in the barn. I went out to the corral to get a horse called Lucky, and Matthew went back up to the house. While he was there, one of our customers called and asked if his mom or dad was there. "No," replied Matthew. "Dad's in the barn and Mom's getting Lucky."

 

[moreluck]

Turkey-lines

What is the difference between a chicken and a turkey? ...Chickens celebrate Thanksgiving!!

What is the Turkey's favorite black tie celebration? ...The Butter Ball

How does a Turkey drink her wine? ...In a gobble-let

How many turkeys does it take to change a lightbulb? ...Just one but it takes 5 hours

Did you hear about the X-rated turkey? ...It's served with very little dressing.

What do you get when you cross a turkey, the beach, and Broomhilda? ...A turkey sand-witch

What kind of music did Pilgrims listen to? ...Plymouth Rock!

Which side of the turkey has the most feathers? ...The outside!

Why do turkeys eat so little? ...Because they are always stuffed!

What did the turkey do in the Thanksgiving Day Parade? ... He played his drumsticks!

 

[moreluck]

The state of Arkansas recently announced that Halloween and Thanksgiving will no longer be state holidays...........

The witch left for New York and took the turkey with her.

 

[moreluck]

Be Thankful

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times. During those times you grow.
Be thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who
are also thankful for the setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.

Author unknown.​

 

[moreluck]

Things You Can Say at Thanksgiving and Not Get Slapped.........

"Whew, that's one terrific spread!"

"I'm in the mood for a little dark meat."

"Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist."

"Talk about a huge breast!"

"It's Cool Whip time!"

"If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!"

"Are you ready for seconds yet?"

"Are you going to come again next time?"

"It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"

"Just wait your turn, you'll get some!"

"Don't play with your meat."

"Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."

"Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?"

"I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"

"You still have a little bit on your chin."

"Use a nice smooth stroke when you whip it."

"How long will it take after you stick it in?"

"You'll know it's ready when it pops up."

"Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!"

"How many are coming?"

"That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"

"Just lay back & take it easy...I'll do the rest."

"How long do I beat it before it's ready?"

 

[moreluck]

Jewish Humor at Thanksgiving..........

The first Jewish President of the United States calls his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says, "I'd like to, but it's so much trouble. I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport and I hate waiting on Queens Blvd..."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't need a cab. I'll send a limousine for you!"

His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle... it's just too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"

To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry my luggage through the airport and try to get a cab... it's really too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."

She answers, "Yes, that's nice... but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive and I really don't like the rooms..."

Exasperated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House!"

She responds, "Well...all right...I guess I'll come."

The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Betty. "Hello, Sylvia...so what's new?"

Sylvia: "I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!"

Betty: "The doctor?"

Sylvia: "No ... the other one.

 

[moreluck]

Thanksgiving Weather Report.......

In the pre-Thanksgiving rush, we have received an early weather report from our in-house weather reporters. This is one you should be sure to email to your Mom.

Turkeys will thaw in the morning, then warm in the oven to an afternoon high near friend 190. The kitchen will turn hot and humid, and if you bother the cook, be ready for a severe squall or cold shoulder. During the late afternoon and evening, the cold front of a knife will slice through the turkey, causing an accumulation of one to two inches on plates. Mashed potatoes will drift across one side while cranberry sauce creates slippery spots on the other. Please pass the gravy. A weight watch and indigestion warning have been issued for the entire area, with increased stuffiness around the beltway. During the evening, the turkey will diminish and taper off to leftovers, dropping to a low of 34F in the refrigerator.

Looking ahead to Friday and Saturday, high pressure to eat sandwiches will be established. Flurries of leftovers can be expected both days with a 50 percent chance of scattered soup late in the day. We expect a warming trend where soup develops. By early next week, eating pressure will be low as the only wish left will be the bone

 

[moreluck]

MEN, MEN, MEN........


... ** How do you scare men? - Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice

** What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? - The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

** Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for men? - No phone numbers.

** Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for a man than a woman? - Because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.

** How many men does it take to pop popcorn? - Three . . . one to hold the pan and two others to show off and shake the stove.

How many men to change a light bulb? Two, one to change the bulb and one to collect the medal.

** How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? - We don't know . . it's never happened.
Q. What do you call a man who's lost 95% of his brain?
A. A widower.

** What do you call a handcuffed man?
Trustworthy.

** What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

** How are husbands like lawn mowers?
They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.

** How does a man show he's planning for the future?
He buys two cases beer instead of one.

** What's the difference between Big Foot and an intelligent man?
Big Foot's been spotted several times.

** What's the smartest thing a man can say?
"My wife says.."

** What is the quickest way to a man's Heart ???
Through his chest with a sharp knife .......

Q. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A. Breasts don't have eyes.

** My secret fantasy is to have two men at the same time....
One cooking and one cleaning.

Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?
A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q: How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A: We cook -- they eat; we clean -- they dirty; we iron -- they wrinkle.

Q: How is Colonel Sanders like the typical male?
A: All he's concerned with is legs, breasts and thighs.

Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ONE .........He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q: What do most men consider a gourmet restaurant?
A: Any place without a drive-up window.

** How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
Both of them.

** Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

** How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know; it has never happened.

** Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
They all already have boyfriends.

** What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

** When do you care for a man's company?
When he owns it.

** How are men and parking spots alike?
Good ones are always taken.
Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely short.

What is that insensitive bit at the base of the penis called?
- The man.

What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
- His wife is good at picking out clothes.

What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date?
- Slow.

What do you call a man with 99% of his brain missing?
- Castrated.

 

[moreluck]

Accountant

An accountant answered an advertisement for a top job with a large firm. At the end of the interview, the chairman said, "One last question, what is three times seven?"

The accountant thought for a moment and replied, "Twenty-two." Outside he checked himself on his calculator and concluded he had lost the job. But two weeks later he was offered the post. He asked the chairman why he had been appointed when he had given the wrong answer.

"You were the closest," the chairman replied.

 

[moreluck]

A grade-school teacher was showing a facsimile of the Declaration of Independence to her pupils. It passed from desk to desk and finally to one boy who was a first-generation American. He studied the document reverently, then gravely added his signature to it.

 

[moreluck]

Although they were being married in New Hampshire, a couple wanted to add a touch of their home state, Kansas, to the wedding, so they planned to have wheat rather than rice thrown after the ceremony. Some friends remarked, "It's a good thing they're not from Idaho!"

 

[moreluck]

Two lifelong friends had a running argument. The black friend would argue that God was black, and the white friend would disagree and say that God was white.

One day, they decided to go fishing. On the way back, they were still arguing about whether or not God was black or white. Before they knew it, they where in an accident, and they found themselves in heaven.

When they got there, St. Peter met them at the Pearly gates. Again, the question was brought up, "Is God black or white?"

St. Peter told them to have a seat in the waiting room and God would come out and talk to them about it.

While they were waiting, they continued to argue whether God was black or white. Then they heard some footsteps coming. They turned around as the door swung open and in stepped in God in His grandest toga.

They looked to Him expectantly, waiting for His answer to their long running argument. He smiled at them and said, "Hola muchachos!"

 

[moreluck]

News Report: Apple Computers.....

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women's breasts. The i-boob is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

 

[moreluck]

Church Signs We Have Seen

"Don't ever give up! Remember, Moses was once a basket case."
"Prevent truth decay. Brush up on your Bible."
"The best vitamin for a Christian is B1."
"Under same management for over 2000 years."
"Soul food served here."
"Tithe if you love Jesus! Anyone can honk!"
"Beat the Christmas rush, come to church this Sunday!"
"Don't wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"Life has many choices, Eternity has two. What's yours?"
"Worry is interest paid on trouble before it is due."
"Wal-Mart isn't the only saving place!"
"Preach the gospel at all times. Use words if necessary."
"It's hard to stumble when you're down on your knees."
"What part of 'THOU SHALT NOT' don't you understand?"
"A clear conscience makes a soft pillow."
"The wages of sin is death. Repent before payday."
"Never give the devil a ride. He will always want to drive."
"Can't sleep? Try counting your blessings."
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"Christians, keep the faith...but not from others!"
"Satan subtracts and divides. God adds and multiplies."
"If you don't want to reap the fruits of sin stay out of the devil's
orchard."
"To belittle is to be little."
"Don't let the littleness in others bring out the littleness in you."
"God answers kneemail."

 

[moreluck]

Sign of the Times


Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jeffrey won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits still in class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father's car and his Dad gives him a whipping.

1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy's Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Billy's sister is told by state psychologist that she remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy's mom has affair with psychologist.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special school for expectant mothers.

2006 - Middle School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU. Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her parent's consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more careful next time.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006: Pedro's cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he can't speak English.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison.

 

[moreluck]

This is tacky, but it made me laugh.......

Subject: McCartney VS. McCartney



It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg. Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over the split. "He has been my crutch for so long!" She said in an earlier briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider going down on 'one knee' again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand on.

Rumors abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause. "Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

 

[moreluck]

Mouths of Babes.....

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

Another three-year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet." He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom. I KNOW they're my feet."

On the first day of school, the Kindergarten teacher said, "If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers." A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries. The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table. "What are you doing?" his mother asked. "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained. "I'm looking for the seal."

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

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