MrFedEx
Engorged Member
Dear Team Members:
Bravo Zulu and thanks for everything you do to make me filthy rich and yourselves dirt-poor. You guessed it...I've been drinking again and my handlers have gone home for the day, so I'm going to tell you the truth for a change. God, I hate it when I drink and get all honest and crap. Well, here goes.
By now, you should have received your new Health Bulletin in the mail. See that smiling black woman on the cover...we had to pay her big bucks to smile like that because she said this bulletin made her "want to cry". I don't get it. And do you see that other minority woman with the bullhorn? She's shouting "Fred is screwing you!", "Fred is screwing you!". You see, whenever PR can sneak someone of color into a FedEx publication, they do it, because then nobody can come back and sue me for not being diverse. What I DO get is this new Consumer Medical Plan is my dream come true!! Now, I can offer you a health care plan that nobody can actually afford to use!! You pay me high premiums, and since FedEx is self-insured, I get to keep what's left over. God, how I am screwing you little people this time!! Always remember that only managers and pilots matter at this company, so we don't have to endure a crappy plan like this
sandwich we are serving you here. We have a real plan.
Because we know you're stupid, we're trying to cover this turd with something called HRA, which means we'll toss you a tiny amount of cash that will in no way compensate you for the huge rip-off I'm perpetrating upon you AND your family. Plus, we'll pay for your in-network preventive healthcare...BFD!! This is pennies on the dollar, and I will be saving huge money by screwing you blind on this joke of a "plan".
Take a peek at "Health Care Reform Corner". This is where I blame that liberal minority president of ours for all of this. You see, "FedEx will continue to offer competitive and quality health care coverage to eligible employees through our new Consumer Medical Plan options." LOL...sure we will. You see, the exchanges Obamacare will create in 2014 are only for "those who don't have access to affordable minimum essential care through their employers". That certainly is NOT FedEx, because our plans are affordable for anyone...right? Our new plans won't affect you at all (snicker)!!
Dano, pour me some more Dom Perignon, won't you, boy? You see, this is really a win-win for me because I get to eliminate even more "Legacy Couriers" who aren't going to want to pay this crazy amount of money for a crap plan. You know, a "Legacy Courier" really means someone between 45 and 65 who has health issues, probably many of which are due to the repetitive stress nature of FedEx work. Now that they need health care for those bad knees, bad backs, or carpal tunnel, I won't have to pay a dime for it. The best part is that I can say that FedEx offers coverage, but we really don't, unless you happen to get some catastrophic illness, and we'll just fire you if that happens anyway.
That $1.5B estimation for health care costs? Pulled it straight out of my ass. There's no way we spend that much on you cogs, but you don't know that, do you? And that co-insurance? Pure genius!! A double-screwing, because once you've paid the ridiculous deductible, you get to pay again!! Way to go, ME!! $$$$$$$$ in my pocket. Ka-ching!!! And because I'm cutting your hours, you won't be able to pay anyway. And that HRA "gift" I'm giving you? I'll more than make it up off this scam and by everything else I'm cutting. God, am I one smart CEO...Obama says so.
Before I go, I need to clear-up the issue of MT3. No, he's not going anywhere. That Ron Johnson thing was just a spoof to make you all appreciate Matt and to get all upset and stuff if he were to actually leave. I recently took Matt out to the plantation woodshed and schooled him on how unhappy I was with DRA, and he said "Mister Smith, sir, I'm going to crack some courier heads and make DRA work for you!!" We cried together after that and then we played "FBI", where I pretend I'm J. Edgar Hoover and MT3 is Clyde Tolson. Then we play "Hide The Supertracker" in the shed for hours. Matt loves it, and I've gotten very fond of him. For a minority, he isn't uppity at all, and he's pretty helpful whenever someone accuses FedEx of being a plantation and all of that nonsense. Still, I wish I could get ahold of Ron Johnson. Oh, well...
I've also been consulting with my good friend Donald Trump on ways to motivate employees without giving them anything in return for their hard work. The Donald agrees that only the big people matter, and that the little people are there to piss-on and make money for us...nothing else, God, I wish he'd come work for me. We need his smarts and PSP attitude here. He's just got a way about him that makes people want to work hard...for less.
Well. I'd better go, because my Depends are full and I've got to go count my money. Dano, would you please change me and grab me a gin and tonic before I head to bed? God, he's a good lackey..best ever. Keep making me money, you fools, and Bravo Zulu..LOL
Sincerely,
Frederick W. Smith
Bravo Zulu and thanks for everything you do to make me filthy rich and yourselves dirt-poor. You guessed it...I've been drinking again and my handlers have gone home for the day, so I'm going to tell you the truth for a change. God, I hate it when I drink and get all honest and crap. Well, here goes.
By now, you should have received your new Health Bulletin in the mail. See that smiling black woman on the cover...we had to pay her big bucks to smile like that because she said this bulletin made her "want to cry". I don't get it. And do you see that other minority woman with the bullhorn? She's shouting "Fred is screwing you!", "Fred is screwing you!". You see, whenever PR can sneak someone of color into a FedEx publication, they do it, because then nobody can come back and sue me for not being diverse. What I DO get is this new Consumer Medical Plan is my dream come true!! Now, I can offer you a health care plan that nobody can actually afford to use!! You pay me high premiums, and since FedEx is self-insured, I get to keep what's left over. God, how I am screwing you little people this time!! Always remember that only managers and pilots matter at this company, so we don't have to endure a crappy plan like this
sandwich we are serving you here. We have a real plan.Because we know you're stupid, we're trying to cover this turd with something called HRA, which means we'll toss you a tiny amount of cash that will in no way compensate you for the huge rip-off I'm perpetrating upon you AND your family. Plus, we'll pay for your in-network preventive healthcare...BFD!! This is pennies on the dollar, and I will be saving huge money by screwing you blind on this joke of a "plan".
Take a peek at "Health Care Reform Corner". This is where I blame that liberal minority president of ours for all of this. You see, "FedEx will continue to offer competitive and quality health care coverage to eligible employees through our new Consumer Medical Plan options." LOL...sure we will. You see, the exchanges Obamacare will create in 2014 are only for "those who don't have access to affordable minimum essential care through their employers". That certainly is NOT FedEx, because our plans are affordable for anyone...right? Our new plans won't affect you at all (snicker)!!
Dano, pour me some more Dom Perignon, won't you, boy? You see, this is really a win-win for me because I get to eliminate even more "Legacy Couriers" who aren't going to want to pay this crazy amount of money for a crap plan. You know, a "Legacy Courier" really means someone between 45 and 65 who has health issues, probably many of which are due to the repetitive stress nature of FedEx work. Now that they need health care for those bad knees, bad backs, or carpal tunnel, I won't have to pay a dime for it. The best part is that I can say that FedEx offers coverage, but we really don't, unless you happen to get some catastrophic illness, and we'll just fire you if that happens anyway.
That $1.5B estimation for health care costs? Pulled it straight out of my ass. There's no way we spend that much on you cogs, but you don't know that, do you? And that co-insurance? Pure genius!! A double-screwing, because once you've paid the ridiculous deductible, you get to pay again!! Way to go, ME!! $$$$$$$$ in my pocket. Ka-ching!!! And because I'm cutting your hours, you won't be able to pay anyway. And that HRA "gift" I'm giving you? I'll more than make it up off this scam and by everything else I'm cutting. God, am I one smart CEO...Obama says so.
Before I go, I need to clear-up the issue of MT3. No, he's not going anywhere. That Ron Johnson thing was just a spoof to make you all appreciate Matt and to get all upset and stuff if he were to actually leave. I recently took Matt out to the plantation woodshed and schooled him on how unhappy I was with DRA, and he said "Mister Smith, sir, I'm going to crack some courier heads and make DRA work for you!!" We cried together after that and then we played "FBI", where I pretend I'm J. Edgar Hoover and MT3 is Clyde Tolson. Then we play "Hide The Supertracker" in the shed for hours. Matt loves it, and I've gotten very fond of him. For a minority, he isn't uppity at all, and he's pretty helpful whenever someone accuses FedEx of being a plantation and all of that nonsense. Still, I wish I could get ahold of Ron Johnson. Oh, well...
I've also been consulting with my good friend Donald Trump on ways to motivate employees without giving them anything in return for their hard work. The Donald agrees that only the big people matter, and that the little people are there to piss-on and make money for us...nothing else, God, I wish he'd come work for me. We need his smarts and PSP attitude here. He's just got a way about him that makes people want to work hard...for less.
Well. I'd better go, because my Depends are full and I've got to go count my money. Dano, would you please change me and grab me a gin and tonic before I head to bed? God, he's a good lackey..best ever. Keep making me money, you fools, and Bravo Zulu..LOL
Sincerely,
Frederick W. Smith
