Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A bowl of soup...
Randy, was on a hunting trip up in West Virginia. He became rather cold and thirsty so decided to stop in at his Mother in law's place and ask for something to drink.
When he got there, she said, "You look really cold, how about a bowl of soup."
There was a wee Vietnamese pig running around the kitchen, running up to Randy and giving him a great deal of attention. Randy commented, "That pig sure is friendly."
Bill, his father in law replied, "Arnold's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

 

[moreluck]

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground.
The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter.
The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends.
"My watch is 30 minutes slow."

 

[moreluck]

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

 

[moreluck]

 

[iloadover9000]

Had a dream I was a muffler, woke up exhausted.

 

[moreluck]

The date is 2222 and mike and maureen land on mars after accumulating enough frequent flyer miles.. They meet a martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

Mike ask if mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally maureen brings up the subject of sex. "Just how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen.

The martians respond, "Pretty much the way you do." A discussion ensues, and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.

Maureen and the martian go off to one bedroom, where the martian strips. He's got a teeny weenie member about a half and inch long and a quarter inch thick. "I don't think that's going to work," said Maureen.
"Why?" he asked, "what's the matter?"

"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me."

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap himself in the forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "that is very impressive, but it's still too narrow."

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling on his ears. With each pull his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"WOW," she exclaims as they fall in bed, and make mad passionate love.

The next morning they hook up with their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike says, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, "All I got was a headache....she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

 

[moreluck]

A Texas cowboy went to the dentist with a toothache. After an exam, the dentist told the cowboy he had a tooth that had to come out.
"I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain," the dentist explained, "and I'll be back in just a few minutes."
The old cowboy grabbed the doc's arm and said, "No way! I hate needles and I ain't havin' no shot!"
The dentist said, "That's ok, we'll just go with gas instead."
The cowboy replied, "Gas makes me sick! I ain't havin' no gas either!"
Without saying a word, the dentist turned and left the room for a minute, and when he came back, he handed the cowboy a glass of water and said, "Here, take this pill."
The cowboy looked at the pill and asked, "What is it?"
The dentist replied, "It's Viagra."
The old cowboy looked surprised and asked, "Will that kill the pain?"
"No," replied the dentist, "but it'll give you something to hang on to while I pull that tooth."

 

[moreluck]

Chicken jokes>>>>>

Q: Which day of the week do chickens hate most?
A: Fry-day!

Q: What happens when you drop a hand gren-egg?
A: It eggs-plodes!

Q: Why did the chick disappoint his mother?
A: He wasn't what he was cracked up to be!

Q: Is chicken soup good for your health?
A: Not if you're the chicken!

Q: What did one chicken say to the other after they walked through poison ivy?
A: "You scratch my beak and I'll scratch yours!"

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road, roll in the mud and cross the road again?
A: Because he was a dirty double-crosser!

Q: Why didn't the chicken skeleton cross the road?
A: Because he didn't have enough guts!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?
A: To get to the other slide!

 

[moreluck]

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

 

[moreluck]

Upon hearing yet another name she couldn't pronounce, my friend said, "In my day, if people were trying to pick a name for their child, they put all their favorites in a kettle and picked one. Today they just throw the kettle out the window and name the child whatever sound it makes when it lands."

 

[moreluck]

A city slicker was driving through the country when he spotted a horse standing in a field. He was quite taken with the animal and so pulled over to ask the farmer if it was for sale.
"Afraid not," said the farmer.
"I'll give you a thousand pounds!" said the city fella.
"I can't sell you that horse. He don't look too good," replied the farmer.
"I know horses, and he looks fine. I'll give you two thousand!"
"Well, all right, if you want him so bad."
The next day, the man returned the horse, screaming that he had been conned. "You sold me a blind horse!"
"Well," said the farmer, "I told you he didn't look too good."

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

A blonde goes on a hot date ...
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat. "No!" yells the blonde. Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again. "For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?" The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

 

[moreluck]

A mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter's plane. She had just come back from a far away land trying to find adventure.
As the daughter was exiting the plane, the mother noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and carrying a shrunken head. The daughter introduced this man as her new husband.
The mother gasped in disbelief and disappointment and screamed, "I said for you to marry a RICH Doctor! A RICH Doctor!"

 

[moreluck]

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade in seven years."
The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"

 

[moreluck]

A Memory To Remember!
So this reporter checks in at some old hotel smack in middle of nowhere. Coming into the lobby, he is confronted with the strange sight of an old Indian, whittling stick, long black hair, reddish skin, sitting on one of the chairs as if he intends never to get up.

"That's Old Chief Forget-Me-Not," whispers the man behind the desk reverently, "he is allowed to stay here for free because he let me build my hotel on his reservation."

"Why the weird name?" whispers the reporter.

"Old Chief NEVER forgets anything that happened to him since he was two. Now he is 102. Fantastic memory."
Once the reporter has checked in, he decides to check out old Forget-Me-Not.

"Hey Chief!" he calls, "What'd you have for breakfast on the morning of your 21st birthday?"
"Eggs," replies the Chief without even looking up.

The reporter is so amazed, he jumps in his car and drives at least two hours over to where his other reporter friend is staying. Once telling the story over, both reporters jump in the car and drive right back two hours to the hotel, smelling a big scoop.

On the way, the second reporter tells the first: "Why don't you address the Chief more respectfully, so he'll demonstrate to us more?"

Following his friend's advice, the first reporter greets the Chief with a resounding "HOW!!"
"Scrambled," replies the Chief.

 

[moreluck]

An American tourist in Tel Aviv was about to enter the impressive Mann Auditorium to take in a concert by the Israel Philharmonic. He was admiring the unique architecture, the sweeping lines of the entrance, and the modern decor throughout the building. Finally he turned to his escort and asked if the building was named for Thomas Mann, the world-famous author.
"No," his friend said, "it's named for Fredric Mann, from Philadelphia."
"Really? I never heard of him. What did he write?"
"A check."

 

[moreluck]

Wifes Diary

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange. We went to a nice restaurant for dinner. I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he said nothing about it. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was something I had done. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, and again he said nothing. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband's Diary: Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through and went right over the balcony railing.
Just then Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"
"To tell the truth," he replied, "He seemed a little depressed to me."