Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

You Know You're a Mom When…

10. You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
9. You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.
8. You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!
7. You can never go to the bathroom alone without someone screaming outside the door.
6. You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.
5. You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.
4. You actually start understanding the Klingon language.
3. You get so into crafts you contemplate writing a book called 101 Fun Crafts to do with Dryer Lint and Eggshells.
2. You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, 'Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?'
1. You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

 

[moreluck]

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
- One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

 

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A couple had not been getting along for years, so the husband buys his wife a cemetery plot for her birthday.
Well, you can imagine her disappointment. The next year, her birthday rolls around again and this time he doesn't get her anything.
"Why didn't you get me a birthday present!?" she asks angrily.
"Are you kidding me?" he replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"

 

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2 Blondes with hammers: Two blondes with hammers, Carol and Donna, were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity house. Carol, who was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in. Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Carol explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end, and I throw them away.' Donna got completely upset and yelled, 'You maroon! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house. ========================================== The blonde who tried to commit suicide: A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her. 'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No, Silly,' the blonde said, 'first I put the gun to my chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger. =========================================== Damage from a hail storm: A blonde was driving home after a game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees, and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde roommate saw her, and asked, 'What are you doing?' The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first.'

 

[Catatonic]

 

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It's that time of year to take our annual seniorcitizen test. Exercising the brain is as importantas exercising muscles. As we grow older, it'simportant to keep mentally alert. If you don't useit, you lose it! Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not. The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until you've made your answer. OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.

1. What do you put in a toaster?

Answer: "bread." If you said "toast," give upnow and do something else. Try not to hurt yourself.If you said, bread, go to Question 2.

2. Say "silk" five times. Now spell "silk"
What do cows drink?

Answer: Cows drink water. If you said "milk," don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as AutoWorld. However, if you said "water", proceed to question 3.

3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks , what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said "green bricks," why the heck are you still reading these??? If you said "glass," go on to Question 4.

4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .) Anyway, during the flight, two engines fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of "no man's land" between East Germany and West Germany . Where would you bury the survivors? East Germany , West Germany , or no man's land"?

Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're a dunce and you must stop. If you said, "You don't bury survivors", proceed to the next question.

5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus. In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on . In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen,six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?

Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name? It was YOU!!Now pass this along to all your friends and pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions

 

[moreluck]

Combat for Dummies

Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources.

'When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.' --U.S. Marine Corps

'Aim towards the enemy.' --Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' --Infantry Journal

'A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.' --Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.' --U.S. Air Force manual

'Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo.' --Infantry Journal

'Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.' --USAF Ammo Troop

'Tracers work both ways.' --U.S. Army Ordnance

'Five-second fuses only last three seconds.' --Infantry Journal

'If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush.' --Infantry Journal

'No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.' --Unknown

'Any ship can be a minesweeper....once.' --Anon

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' --USAF Ammo Troop

'Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.' --Unknown Marine Recruit

'Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you.' --Infantry Journal

'Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid.' --David Hackworth

 

[moreluck]

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her."
Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?"
The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable."
And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."
And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?"
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve.
Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!"
And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."
And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?"
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds.
And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"

 

[moreluck]

Confucius Say:
"Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

"Confucius Say: "Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

"Confucius Say: "Women who put detergent on top shelf, jump for Joy!"

Confucius Say: "Never argue with fool...he may be doing the same thing."

Confucius Say: "Best time to buy new mattress, at first sign of spring."

Confucius Say: "Adults are just wrinkled kids who owe money."

Confucius Say: "An old grave digger is called an Elderberry."

Confucius Say: "People who have gift of gab, not know how to wrap it up."

Confucius Say: "Time flies like arrow. Fruit flies like bananas."

Confucius Say: "A man who sits on tack gets point and will surely rise

 

[moreluck]

A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out, "Cross!" Immediately the congregation started singing, in unison, "The Old Rugged Cross."
The pastor hollered out, "Grace!" The congregation began to sing "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound..."
The pastor said, "Power." The congregation sang "There Is Power in the Blood." The Pastor said, "Sex." The congregation fell in total silence. Everyone was in shock.
They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "Precious Memories."

 

[moreluck]

Making a snowman in Vermont

In the (People's Republic of) Vermont.

It's been snowing all night.

So the morning goes like this;

8:00 I made a snowman.

8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.

8:15 So, I made a snow woman.

8:17 The nanny of the neighbors complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.

8:20 The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.

8:25 The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as
veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

8:31 The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a head-scarf.

8:40 Someone calls the cops who show up to see what's going on.

8:42 I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be
removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon.

Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up your a***"

8:45 Local TV news crew shows up. I am asked if I know the
difference between snowmen and snow-women?

I reply, "Snowballs" and am called a sexist.

8:52 My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am being
blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.

9:00 I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up
trouble during this difficult weather.

9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices.

9:29 A little known jihadist group has claimed it was their plot.


Moral: There is no moral to this story. It's just the America we live in today!

 

[moreluck]

A man was having marital problems. So he went

to his shrink. The shrink says, "When you get

home, throw down your briefcase, run to her,

embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours,

and make mad passionate love to her."

In two weeks he was back in the shrink's office.

The shrink asked "How did it go?"

He said, "She didn't have anything to say,

but her bridge club got a kick out of it."

 

[moreluck]

For All Men WOMEN'S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED:

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I a€™m sorry. = You'€™ll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It'€™s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want... = You'€™ll pay for this later.
We need to talk... = I need to complain.
Sure...go ahead = I don'€™t want you to.
I'm not upset = Of course I'€™m upset, you maroon!
You'€™re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You'€™re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'€™m going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you'€™re really not going to like.
I'€™ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
Am I fat? = Tell me I'€™m beautiful.
You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you'€™re dead.
Was that the baby? = Why don'€™t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
In response to What'€™s wrong?:
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything

 

[moreluck]

A cowboy rides into town on Friday, stays three days and leaves on Friday how does he do it?

The horses name is Friday

 

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I had amnesia once - or twice.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
If the world was a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a motorway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a carrying case for dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you aman who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

 

[moreluck]

I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.

Cop: You are the lawyer.

Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?

 

[moreluck]

A British Army colonel was reviewing the troops in colonial India.
One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted. "Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem.
The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."

 

[moreluck]

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.
Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor. The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying:
"Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

 

[moreluck]

Fathers Then and Now.....

Fathers of 1900 didn't have it nearly as good as fathers of today; but they did have a few advantages:
In 1900, fathers prayed their children would learn English.
Today, fathers pray their children will speak English.

In 1900, a father's horsepower meant his horses.
Today, it's the size of his minivan.

In 1900, if a father put a roof over his family's head, he was a success.
Today, it takes a roof, deck, pool, and 4-car garage. And that's just the vacation home.

In 1900, a father waited for the doctor to tell him when the baby arrived.
Today, a father must wear a smock, know how to breathe, and make sure film is in the video camera.

In 1900, fathers passed on clothing to their sons.
Today, kids wouldn't touch Dad's clothes if they were sliding naked down an icicle.

In 1900, fathers could count on children to join the family business.
Today, fathers pray their kids will soon come home from college long enough to teach them how to work the computer and set the VCR.

In 1900, a father smoked a pipe.
If he tries that today, he gets sent outside after a lecture on lip cancer.

In 1900, fathers shook their children gently and whispered, "Wake up, it's time for school."
Today, kids shake their fathers violently at 4 a.m., shouting: "Wake up, it's time for hockey practice."

In 1900, a father came home from work to find his wife and children at the supper table.
Today, a father comes home to a note: "Jimmy's at baseball, Cindy's at gymnastics, I'm at adult-Ed, Pizza in fridge."

In 1900, fathers and sons would have heart-to-heart conversations while fishing in a stream.
Today, fathers pluck the headphones off their sons' ears and shout, "WHEN YOU HAVE A MINUTE.."

In 1900, a father gave a pencil box for Christmas, and the kid was all smiles.
Today, a father spends $800 at Toys 'R' Us, and the kid screams: "I wanted Sega!"

In 1900, if a father had breakfast in bed, it was eggs and bacon and ham and potatoes.
Today, it's Special K, soy milk, dry toast and a lecture on cholesterol.

In 1900, fathers said, "A man's home is his castle."
Today, they say, "Welcome to the money pit."

In 1900, "a good day at the market" meant Father brought home feed for the horses.
Today, "a good day at the market" means Dad got in early on an IPO.

In 1900, when fathers entered the room, children often rose to attention.
Today, kids glance up and grunt, "Dad, you're invading my space."

In 1900, fathers threatened their daughters' suitors with shotguns if the girl came home late.
Today, fathers break the ice by saying, "So...how long have you had that earring?"