Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
Re: Good Quotes Part Deux
"If you're traveling with three young kids in the back seat, it really isn't a vacation. It's more like World War lll with coloring books"
God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her." - Benjamin Tillett
"Considering the healing ability of Jesus, I bet none of the disciples ever called in sick. "
.
"If you're traveling with three young kids in the back seat, it really isn't a vacation. It's more like World War lll with coloring books"
God help the man who won't marry until he finds a perfect woman, and God help him still more if he finds her." - Benjamin Tillett
"Considering the healing ability of Jesus, I bet none of the disciples ever called in sick. "
.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Re: Heard any good ones?
THINGS A MAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT FATHERHOOD
Don't worry, your dad didn't know what *he* was doing, either.
Never tell anybody you and your wife are "trying" to have a baby. We really don't need the visual, that's why.
Your child, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with his or her mother, and for the first year you are merely a curiosity.
For a couple of years after that, an amusement park ride. Then, a referee. Finally, a bank.
There is nothing wrong with thumb-sucking. It helps to ease the pain of teething. It should, however, probably stop before high school.
Boys are better because they can't get pregnant. Girls are better because they're less likely to be arrested.
All punishments should reduce the number of disagreeable tasks you would normally have to perform.
Never disclose to other parents that you have found a good babysitter.
The most common causes of fatal injury to children five through nine involve automobiles. Meaning: hold their hands and buckle them in.
THINGS A MAN SHOULD KNOW ABOUT FATHERHOOD
Don't worry, your dad didn't know what *he* was doing, either.
Never tell anybody you and your wife are "trying" to have a baby. We really don't need the visual, that's why.
Your child, at birth, already has a deeply complicated relationship with his or her mother, and for the first year you are merely a curiosity.
For a couple of years after that, an amusement park ride. Then, a referee. Finally, a bank.
There is nothing wrong with thumb-sucking. It helps to ease the pain of teething. It should, however, probably stop before high school.
Boys are better because they can't get pregnant. Girls are better because they're less likely to be arrested.
All punishments should reduce the number of disagreeable tasks you would normally have to perform.
Never disclose to other parents that you have found a good babysitter.
The most common causes of fatal injury to children five through nine involve automobiles. Meaning: hold their hands and buckle them in.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Re: Heard any good ones?
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A REDNECK WEDDING
10. Rehearsal dinner held at Hooters.
9. Instead of "Friends of the bride or friends of the groom?" Ushers ask "Ford Or Chevy?"
8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops. Groomsmen: Travis Tritt T-Shirts.
7. Phrase "I Do" replaced by "I Heard That".
6. Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" performed by Pinkard & Bowden.
5. When the minister asks "Who giveth this woman to be married"...some guy in the back stands up and hollers "Earnhardt!"
4. Reception conversation includes the phrase, "So what have you been doing since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"
3. Snack trays at reception: Vienna sausages and Nacho Cheese Doritos.
2. Plans for the honeymoon evening include tickets to the monster truck rally.
1. Sign in front of the church: No Shirt...No Shoes...No Problem!
TOP 10 SIGNS YOU'RE AT A REDNECK WEDDING
10. Rehearsal dinner held at Hooters.
9. Instead of "Friends of the bride or friends of the groom?" Ushers ask "Ford Or Chevy?"
8. Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops. Groomsmen: Travis Tritt T-Shirts.
7. Phrase "I Do" replaced by "I Heard That".
6. Tender rendition of "The Wedding Song" performed by Pinkard & Bowden.
5. When the minister asks "Who giveth this woman to be married"...some guy in the back stands up and hollers "Earnhardt!"
4. Reception conversation includes the phrase, "So what have you been doing since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"
3. Snack trays at reception: Vienna sausages and Nacho Cheese Doritos.
2. Plans for the honeymoon evening include tickets to the monster truck rally.
1. Sign in front of the church: No Shirt...No Shoes...No Problem!
moreluck
golden ticket member
Re: Good Quotes Part Deux
Tolerance is letting other people find happiness in their own way instead of your way.
"What a father says to his children is not heard by the world; but it will be heard by posterity." - Jean Paul Richter
I asked God what was in store for me today, like I do every morning. And He said, "Well, not so much that you couldn't turn your alarm off another five times." And I said, "Thank you, Lord; that's what I was thinking."
~Laura Kightlinger~
Tolerance is letting other people find happiness in their own way instead of your way.
"What a father says to his children is not heard by the world; but it will be heard by posterity." - Jean Paul Richter
I asked God what was in store for me today, like I do every morning. And He said, "Well, not so much that you couldn't turn your alarm off another five times." And I said, "Thank you, Lord; that's what I was thinking."
~Laura Kightlinger~
disneyworld
Well-Known Member
Re: Good Quotes Part Deux
I spent a weekend there one night.moreluck said:
moreluck
golden ticket member
Re: Heard any good ones?
Bridal
The newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The new groom
approached the desk clerk. He said he wanted the best for they were on
their honeymoon. The clerk asked the man if he wanted the bridal.
"No," he said, "I don't believe I'll need it. I'll just grab onto her
ears and hold on 'til she gets used to it."
Bridal
The newlywed couple were checking into the hotel. The new groom
approached the desk clerk. He said he wanted the best for they were on
their honeymoon. The clerk asked the man if he wanted the bridal.
"No," he said, "I don't believe I'll need it. I'll just grab onto her
ears and hold on 'til she gets used to it."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Re: Good Quotes Part Deux
There are two types of roads in this country. One is under construction and the other is under repair.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.
There are two types of roads in this country. One is under construction and the other is under repair.
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs and the universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the universe is winning.
G
gemini1
Guest
Funny only if you are under 40
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
>
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
>
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
>
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
>
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
>
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
>
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
>
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
>
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
>
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
>
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
>
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
>
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
>
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
>
I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
>
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
>
An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
"Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
>
My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
>
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
>
It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
>
These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."
>
Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.
>
--- THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Re: Good Quotes Part Deux
"It is always darkest before the dawn. So, if you are going to steal your neighbor's paper, that is the time to do it."
"Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
" Never test the depth of the water with both feet. "
"If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it."
"It is always darkest before the dawn. So, if you are going to steal your neighbor's paper, that is the time to do it."
"Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted."
" Never test the depth of the water with both feet. "
"If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Re: Heard any good ones?
A FEW OF LIFE'S UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
A FEW OF LIFE'S UNANSWERED QUESTIONS
Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
moreluck
golden ticket member
Re: Heard any good ones?
San Diego, California...
A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat."He's a smart ass when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned,"I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
San Diego, California...
A Highway Patrolman pulled a car over and told the driver that because he had been wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5,000 in the statewide safety competition.
"What are you going to do with the money?" asked the policeman.
"Well, I guess I'm going to get a driver's license," he answered.
"Oh, don't listen to him," yelled a woman in the passenger seat."He's a smart ass when he's drunk."
This woke up the guy in the back seat who took one look at the cop and moaned,"I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a voice said, in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Re: Good Quotes Part Deux
"In business news, chocolate maker Nestle is buying Jenny Craig. Well, that says all you need to know about the war on obesity, doesn't it? It's over! Apparently we surrendered." - Jay Leno
"Be yourself. Nobody else is any better qualified than you are."
"In business news, chocolate maker Nestle is buying Jenny Craig. Well, that says all you need to know about the war on obesity, doesn't it? It's over! Apparently we surrendered." - Jay Leno
"Be yourself. Nobody else is any better qualified than you are."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Re: Heard any good ones?
Icy Conditions ...
One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on. Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest Road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles."
Five miles farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles."
The next one was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile.
Then we came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery store, and it read: "Ice 75 cents."
Icy Conditions ...
One October my wife and I spent a vacation on Washington's Olympic Peninsula. We were eager to visit the rain forests near the coast, but we heard that snow slides had made some of the roads impassable. Although apprehensive about the conditions we might run into, we drove on. Sure enough, we had gone only a short way up the High Rain Forest Road when we saw a sign: "Ice 10 miles."
Five miles farther on there was another: "Ice 5 miles."
The next one was: "Ice 1/2 mile." We practically crept that half-mile.
Then we came to the last sign. It was outside a small grocery store, and it read: "Ice 75 cents."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Re: Good Quotes Part Deux
Duct tape is like "The Force". It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
.
Duct tape is like "The Force". It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Re: Heard any good ones?
Politician ....
My husband and I attended a pre-election address by a prominent senator. When he ended his speech, an ardent admirer thanked the guest of honor profusely and presented him with a hand-knit sweater, which the senator promptly tried on. At this, my husband leaned over to me and said sotto voce, "This is the first time I've seen a politician pull the wool over his own eyes."
Politician ....
My husband and I attended a pre-election address by a prominent senator. When he ended his speech, an ardent admirer thanked the guest of honor profusely and presented him with a hand-knit sweater, which the senator promptly tried on. At this, my husband leaned over to me and said sotto voce, "This is the first time I've seen a politician pull the wool over his own eyes."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Re: Good Quotes Part Deux
Those who think that the competitive spirit is dead ought to watch the customers in a supermarket when a cashier opens a new checkout lane
"There are two types of people---those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'" (Frederick L. Collins)
The trouble with most banks is that the person who writes the advertising is not the same person who lends you the money
Those who think that the competitive spirit is dead ought to watch the customers in a supermarket when a cashier opens a new checkout lane
"There are two types of people---those who come into a room and say, 'Well, here I am!' and those who come in and say, 'Ah, there you are.'" (Frederick L. Collins)
The trouble with most banks is that the person who writes the advertising is not the same person who lends you the money
Similar threads
- traveler
- The Archives