MrFedEx
Engorged Member
Memphis, TN, 12-27-22
In a shocking move, FedEx Express spokesperson Slick Watts announced this afternoon that Congressman-elect George Santos, will replace Raj Subramamiam as CEO, effective immediately. When pressed for details, Watts said " Santos has the proven ability to lie and prevaricate in a manner unseen since the leadership of Frederick W. Smith. It's the lifeblood of the continuing success of our organization". Reached at home in Monaco, Santos confirmed he was stepping down from his new Congressional post and would assume the CEO position in Memphis as soon he finished astronaut training, an audience with The Pope, and acceptance of The Nobel prize. In the meantime, he will run the company telepathically from his Monaco castle, reportedly willed to him by Prince Rainier in return for the sacrifices of his Jewish family during WW2.
Subramamiam has already left the country for his native India, with a reported $25M severance payment. His spokeswoman, Ravi Festoon, refused comment. Under Subramamiam's tenure, FedEx has struggled mightily to meet financial goals and maintain customer services.
Reached at his vacation home in The Bahamas, Frederick Smith said "I fully support the hiring of George Santos and expect great things from him in the future". Smith hurriedly dropped the phone and returned to his hyperbaric life support chamber in the underground complex he shares with life partner Auric Goldfinger.
Kevin McCarthy, current GOP minority House Leader and potential Speaker of The House, had no comment when the AP attempted to contact him at the Mar-A-Lago residence of former President Donald Trump, where he and his family are spending the Christmas holiday. In the past, both McCarthy and Trump have praised Santos as a prototype for Republican ethics.
In a shocking move, FedEx Express spokesperson Slick Watts announced this afternoon that Congressman-elect George Santos, will replace Raj Subramamiam as CEO, effective immediately. When pressed for details, Watts said " Santos has the proven ability to lie and prevaricate in a manner unseen since the leadership of Frederick W. Smith. It's the lifeblood of the continuing success of our organization". Reached at home in Monaco, Santos confirmed he was stepping down from his new Congressional post and would assume the CEO position in Memphis as soon he finished astronaut training, an audience with The Pope, and acceptance of The Nobel prize. In the meantime, he will run the company telepathically from his Monaco castle, reportedly willed to him by Prince Rainier in return for the sacrifices of his Jewish family during WW2.
Subramamiam has already left the country for his native India, with a reported $25M severance payment. His spokeswoman, Ravi Festoon, refused comment. Under Subramamiam's tenure, FedEx has struggled mightily to meet financial goals and maintain customer services.
Reached at his vacation home in The Bahamas, Frederick Smith said "I fully support the hiring of George Santos and expect great things from him in the future". Smith hurriedly dropped the phone and returned to his hyperbaric life support chamber in the underground complex he shares with life partner Auric Goldfinger.
Kevin McCarthy, current GOP minority House Leader and potential Speaker of The House, had no comment when the AP attempted to contact him at the Mar-A-Lago residence of former President Donald Trump, where he and his family are spending the Christmas holiday. In the past, both McCarthy and Trump have praised Santos as a prototype for Republican ethics.
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