Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

[thebrain]

PUZZLES FOR YOUR BRAIN

Now, it's time to think . . . . don't scroll down unless you have your answers. . .
Some Classic Lateral Thinking Exercises

1. There is a man that lives on the top floor of a very tall building.
Everyday he gets the elevator down to the ground floor to leave the
building to go to work. Upon returning from work though, he can only travel
half way up in the lift and has to walk the rest of the way unless it's raining!
WHY?

This is probably the best known and most celebrated of all lateral Thinking
puzzles. It is a true classic. Although there are many possible Solutions
which fit the initial conditions, only the canonical answer is truly satisfying.

2. A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene,
but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says
"I can't operate on this boy, he is my son!" How can this be?

3. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, jumper, gloves and
balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off.
A black car is coming towards him with its light off too but somehow
manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?

4. Title : The Elder Twin One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days
later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. Why?

5. Title : Manhole Covers Why is it better to have round manhole covers
than square ones? This is logical rather than lateral, but it is a good
puzzle which can be solved by lateral thinking techniques. It is supposedly
used by a very well-known software company as an interview question for
prospective employees.

6. Title : The Deadly Party A man went to a party and drank some of the
punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch
subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?

7. Title : Heaven A man died and went to Heaven. There were thousands of
other people there. They were all naked and all looked as they did at the
age of 21. He looked around to see if there was anyone he recognized. He
saw a couple and he knew immediately that they were Adam and Eve. How did
he know?

8. Title : Trouble with Sons A woman had two sons who were born on the same
hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could
this be so?

9. Title : The Man in the Bar A man walks into a bar and asks the barman
for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man.
The man says 'Thank you' and walks out. This puzzle has claims to be the
best of the genre. It is simple in its statement, absolutely baffling and
yet with a completely satisfying solution. Most people struggle very hard
to solve this one yet they like the answer when they hear it or have the
satisfaction of figuring it out.

SCROLL DOWN FOR SOLUTIONS

SOLUTIONS: 1) The man is very very short and so can only reach half way up
the lift buttons! However, if it is raining then he will have his umbrella
with him and so can press the higher buttons with it.

2) The surgeon is the boy's mother

3) It was day time.

4) At the time she went into labor, the mother of the twins was traveling
by boat. The older twin, Terry, was born first early on March 1st. The boat
then crossed a time zone and Kerry, the younger twin, was born on February
the 28th. Therefore, the younger twin celebrates her birthday two days
before her older brother.

5) A square manhole cover can be turned and dropped down the diagonal of
the manhole. A round manhole cannot be dropped down the manhole. So for
safety and practicality, all manhole covers should be round.

6) The poison in the punch came from the ice cubes. When the man drank the
punch, the ice was fully frozen. Gradually it melted, poisoning the punch.

7) He recognized Adam and Eve as the only people without navels. because
they were not born of women, they had never had umbilical cords and
therefore they never had navels. This one seems perfectly logical but it
can sometimes spark fierce theological arguments.

8) They were two of a set of triplets (or quadruplets, etc.) This puzzle
stumps many people. They try outlandish solutions involving test-tube
babies or surrogate mothers. Why does the brain search for complex solutions
when there is a much simpler one available?

9) The man had hiccups. The barman recognized this from his speech and
drew the gun in order to give him a shock. It worked and cured the hiccups-so
the man no longer needed the water. The is a simple puzzle to state but a
difficult one to solve. It is a perfect example of a seemingly irrational
and incongruous situation having a simple and complete explanation.
Amazingly this classic puzzle seems to work in different cultures and languages.

 

[more]

A DYING WISH...
A dying man gathered his lawyer, doctor and clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the 3 envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the wake,the lawyer, doctor & clergyman each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon, the clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt rather than waste the money, he would send it to a mission in Africa. He asked for their forgiveness.
The doctor, moved by the clergyman's sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope had only $8000 in it. He too could not bring himself to waste the money when it could be used to benefit others.
By this time the lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. "I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelope contained my personal check for the entire $25,000!"

 

[magic]

How do we know that aliens use the metric system?

I've never heard a space creature say "Take me to your quart."

 

[more]

QUOTES FROM PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

"I would not allow this employee to breed."

"Works well under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap."

"When she opens her mouth, it's only to change whichever foot was previously in there."

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

"He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them."

"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

"This employee should go far and the sooner he starts his journey, the better."

 

[more]

BUMPER STICKERS PART 2:
Pardon my driving, I'm reloading.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Honk if you love peace & quiet.
A day without sunshine is like ...well, night.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mind like a steel trap - rusty & illegal in 37 states.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

 

[bigdog]

This thing pops up every year or so. I'm sure most of the stories are Urban Legends but still humorous.

Great Stories!

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison
control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her
little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not
harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital.
She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that
she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her
that she better bring her daughter in to the Emergency room right away.

*********************
Seems that a year ago, some Boeing employees on the field decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the
plane and home. When they took it for a float on the River, they were quite
surprised by a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that
the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator that is activated when the
raft is inflated. They are no longer employed there.

*********************
I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee
of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make storewide pages, e.g., "I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter." One night a
tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not)
following message: "I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."

*********************
A police officer had a perfect hiding place for watching for speeders. But one
day, everyone was under the speed limit, the officer found the problem: a 10
year old boy was standing on the side of the road with a huge hand painted sign
which said "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." A little more investigative work led the officer to the boy's accomplice, another boy about 100 yards beyond the radar
trap with a sign reading,"TIPS" and a bucket at his feet, full of change.

*********************
A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of
America, walked into the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny
in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the
police before he reached the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he
handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his
spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that
she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The Wells Fargo teller then called the police who
arrested the man a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of
America.

*********************
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a
ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from
the police that contained another picture - of handcuffs.

*********************
A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car
phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the guy
that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the
car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

*********************
Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac,
Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said the officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket could
have been a gun. Nonsense, said Christopher, who happened to be wearing the same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it.
The judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he
required a five minute recess to compose himself.

*********************
Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a convenience store in a district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district
attorney Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself
until the store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up,
accused the woman of lying and then said, "I should have blown your (expletive)
head off." The defendant paused, then quickly added, "if I'd been the one that
was there." The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30
year sentence.

*********************
R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing their squad
car computer equipment to children in a Detroit neighborhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him for identification. Gaitlan gave
them his drivers license, they entered it into the computer, and moments later
they arrested Gaitlan because information on the screen showed Gaitlan was
wanted for a two year old armed robbery in St. Louis, Missouri.

*********************
Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash
from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a
bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the
cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said "Because I don't
believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to
give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his
drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it
over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the
bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly
called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off
the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

*********************
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
bandit shot him.

 

[bigdog]

(From a book called WHEN MY GRANDMOTHER WAS A CHILD by Leigh W. Rutledge, which begins, "In the summer of 1900, when my grandmother was a child...")

The average life expectancy in the United States was forty-seven.

Only 14 percent of the homes in the United States had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone. A three minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.

There were only 8,000 cars in the US and only 144 miles of paved roads.

The maximum speed limit in most cities was ten mph.

Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the twenty-first most populous state in the Union.

The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.

The average wage in the U.S. was twenty-two cents an hour. The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.

A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2500 per year, a veterinarian between $1500 and $4000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5000 per year.

More than 95 percent of all births in the United States took place at home.

Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."

Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.

Most women only washed their hair once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason, either as travelers or immigrants.

The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza,
2. Tuberculosis,
3. Diarrhea,
4. Heart disease,
5. Stroke.

The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.

Drive-by-shootings -- in which teenage boys galloped down the street on horses and started randomly shooting at houses, carriages, or anything else that caught their fancy -- were an ongoing problem in Denver and other cities in the West.

The population of Las Vegas, Nevada was thirty. The remote desert community was inhabited by only a handful of ranchers and their families.

Plutonium, insulin, and antibiotics hadn't been discovered yet. Scotch tape, crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.

There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.

One in ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.

Some medical authorities warned that professional seamstresses were apt to become sexually aroused by the steady rhythm, hour after hour, of the sewing machine's foot pedals. They recommended slipping bromide -- which was thought to diminish sexual desire -- into the woman's drinking water.

Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health.

Coca-Cola contained cocaine instead of caffeine.

Punch card data processing had recently been developed, and early predecessors of the modern computer were used for the first time by the government to help compile the 1900 census.

Eighteen percent of households in the United States had at least one full-time servant or domestic.

There were about 230 reported murders in the U.S. annually.

Excerpted from the "Hur Herald", Hur, West Virginia

 

[bigdog]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would
transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the FATHER. He asked if
they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even10%
was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as
the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead
and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain
transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well
he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%; the husband continued
to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the
husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband
were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on the porch.

 

[more]

TOP CHANGES IN THE WHITE HOUSE SINCE THE CLINTON'S GOT THEIR PUPPY:
To avoid confusion. staff reverts back to referring to Madelaine Albright by name.

At long last, Bill doesn't have to flinch every time he hears, "Bad Boy!"

President is no longer the only one accused of burying his bone in someone else's yard.

Accusations of crotch-sniffing at the White House no longer automatically implicates the President.

Chelsea drops to #2 on the White House Pug-Ugly List.

Roger Clinton no longer the only one to piddle in the rose garden.

Cries of "What a dog!" no longer make Janet Reno burst into tears at state dinners.

"Get that horny furball off my leg!" no longer refers exclusively to the President.

Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore's daily to-do list.

 

[hr]

Quotes from offices

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: "The beatings will continue until morale improves."

A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That's because it's unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me, "What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way her mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in her brain.

I thought my Boss was a bastard, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is a bastard, too ... but at least I respect him.

He's given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and performs rudimentary tasks, all without the benefit
of a SPINE.

Some people climb the ladder of success. My Boss walked under it.

Quote from the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: " I'm sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!"

HR Manager to job candidate "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions."

Quote from telephone inquiry "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes.

 

[trucker]

A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that
they were copying copies, instead of copying the original books. So,the new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed
out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would becontinued in all of the other copies.

The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he went down into
the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went down stairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the
cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.

"The word is 'celebrate'," said the old monk.

 

[more]

POLITICAL LINES (Featuring Clinton):

Chyrsler Corp. is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Drafter will begin production this year.

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer Prize photo of the president drowning, what shutter speed would you use?

Chelsea asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales begin with 'once upon a time'?" "No, some begin with 'After I'm, elected'"

Clinton's mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and become president. So far, half her prayer was answered.

Clinton only lacks 3 things to become America's finest leader....integrity, vision and wisdom.

Clinton is doing the work of three men...Larry, Curly and Moe.

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

 

[staff]

Slogans for Women's T-shirts


1. So many men, so few who can afford me.

2. God made us sisters; Prozac made us friends.

3. If they don't have chocolate in heaven, I ain't going.

4. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all, heard it all...I just
can't remember it all.

5. My Mother Is a travel agent for guilt trips.

6. Princess, having had sufficient experience with princes, seeks frog.

7. Coffee, chocolate, men . . . Some things are just better rich.

8. Don't treat me any differently than you would the Queen.

9. If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

10. Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off.

11. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.

12. My husband could have had any women he pleased--he just couldn't
please any!

13. Guys have feelings too. But like...who cares?

14. Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

15. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

16. Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

17. Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

18. Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

19. You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

20. My husband is the head of the household, but I'm the neck (and
the neck can turn the head anyway it wants it to move).

21. I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

22. How can I miss you if you won't go away?

23. Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

24. If we are what we eat, I'm fast, cheap and easy.

25. I run things at my house! (e.g. the vacuum cleaner, washing machine, iron,
etc.)

 

[staff]

If men truly ran the world.....


1. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the
<FONT COLOR="ff0000">•••</FONT> and a "Nice hustle, you'll get'em next time" would
pretty much do it.

2. Birth control would come in ale or lager.

3. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so
it would only occur in leap years.

4. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get
the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day too.

5. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly
the same. But it would be celebrated every month.

6. Garbage would take itself out.

7. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement
mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the
most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

8. The only show opposite "Monday Night Football"
would be "Monday Night Football from a Different
Camera Angle".

9. Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.

11. Two words..."Ally McNaked".

12. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck
answer you responded with would actually reduce your
fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over
the place." Cop: "Nice one, That's $10.00 off".

13. People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

14. Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

15. Every man would get four, real Get Out of Jail
Free cards per year.

16. Telephones would cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

17. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long
as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.

18. Instead of a fancy, expensive engagement ring, you
could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand
that said "You're #1!".

19. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you
during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the
corner of the screen during a time-out.

20. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed
as an acceptable response to "I love you".

21. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

22. "Sorry I'm late, but I got wasted last night",
would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

23. At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and
you would jump out of your window and slide down the
tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like
Fred Flintstone.

24. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for
violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.

25. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name
again?" cards.

 

[squinty]

Missing Hat


A man spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd
go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would
sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.

On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the
10 Commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he went to talk to the minister.

He said to the minister, "Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the
one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments,I changed
my mind."

The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou
shall not steal, that changed your heart?"

The man responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to
preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."

 

[more]

CRUISING......
Steve is going on an ocean cruise and he tells his doctor that he's worried about getting real seasick. The doctor tells him, "Just eat 2 pounds of stewed tomatoes before you leave the dock."
Steve says, "Will that keep me from getting sick?"
The doctor says, "No, but it'll look real pretty in the blue water."

 

[more]

The last 4 U.S. presidents are caught in a tornado and carried off to Oz. After many trials and tribulations, they finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great Wizard.
"WHAT BRINGS YOU BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD? WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
Jimmy Carter steps forward timidly: "I had a terrible time with Iran, so I've come for more courage."
"NO PROBLEM," says the Wizard. "WHO'S NEXT?"
Ronald Reagan steps forward. "Well..well..well I need a brain."
"DONE," says the Wizard. "WHO COMES NEXT BEFORE THE GREAT WIZARD?"
Up steps George Bush sadly, "I'm told by the American people that I need a heart."
"I'VE HEARD IT'S TRUE," says the Wizard. "CONSIDER IT DONE."
Then there is a great silence...
Bill Clinton is just standing there looking around, but doesn't say a word. Irritated, the Wizard finally asks..."WHAT BRINGS YOU TO THE EMERALD CITY?"
"Is Dorothy around?"

 

[nyc]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up
to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors -
green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

The old man just stared.

The young man said, "What's the matter, old timer, never done
anything wild in your life?"

The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot.
I was just wondering if you were my son."

 

[more]

Four married guys go golfing. During play on the 4th hole, the following conversation takes place:
First Guy: "You guys have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing today. I had to promise my wife that I'd build her a new deck for the pool."
Second Guy: "You're lucky. I had to promise my wife that I'd paint every room in the house next weekend."
Third Guy: "You guys have it easy. I had to promise my wife that I'd remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realize that the 4th guy hadn't said anything. So they ask him, "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to get out of the house to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it goes off, I turn it off, nudge my wife and say, "Golf course or intercourse?" She says, "Don't forget your sweater."

 

[puff]

Greetings from tobacco country!
You absolutely MUST try this. It's for real. The following is the Customer Service number for Brown &amp; Williamson Tobacco Corporation. 1-800-578-7453.

Dial the number and listen to their greeting message, until the point when you are requested to choose an extension - and then you can just hang up. The greeting message is priceless though, and worth the toll-free call. And well worth the two minutes it takes to call~