Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

[bozo]

UPS is one of nine Triple - A rated companies in America

In 1979, there were 61 American companies earning a top-level AAA credit rating. Ten years ago, there were 21. Today, there are only nine, and UPS is one of them.

The decline in triple-A-rated companies is one of the most obvious -- though hardly the most worrisome -- sign of a widespread decline in credit quality.

"Corporate America has become more risky," says James Van Horne, a finance professor at Stanford's Graduate School of Business. "The triple-A decline is a result of the decay of credit ratings in general."

Credit ratings estimate a company's ability to repay its debt. Companies with higher credit ratings can generally borrow money more cheaply than companies with lower ratings.

Many factors determine a company's credit rating; two main ones are how many times its cash flow covers its interest payments and the consistency of cash flows.

The bankruptcies of Enron, Kmart, Global Crossing, and others are refocusing attention on credit ratings and balance sheets.

"We've always focused on the balance sheet. In this environment, we've been even more focused," says Scott Glasser, co-manager of the Smith Barney Appreciation fund.

Glasser's top 10 holdings include five AAA-rated companies: Berkshire Hathaway, Exxon Mobil, General Electric, Pfizer and American International Group.

The other four AAA-rated companies (excluding government-backed companies such as Fannie Mae) are Bristol-Myers Squibb, Johnson & Johnson, Merck and United Parcel Service.

To keep a triple-A rating, a company needs to retain a large amount of cash that might be used for other investments that could generate a higher return.

Companies must also keep their ratio of debt to stockholders' equity low. But debt -- in moderation -- is a cheaper form of financing than stock, because interest payments are tax deductible. Dividends paid to stockholders are not.

The "turning point" will be when the ratio of downgrades to upgrades starts to fall. "If the ratio goes from 5-1 to 2-1, that would be a very positive change," Economist Jon Lonski says, predicting that could happen "as early as the third quarter of this year."

In the meantime, Smith Barney's Glasser says he's sticking with high-rated companies. "When times are tough, companies with number one market positions and strong balance sheets can extend their market share," he says.

 

[jcroche]

Sorry for any offended by this one:

At a small airport terminal in Texas, three strangers awaiting their shuttle flight started conversing about the recent world events. The strangers were of varying cultures. One was an American Indian. Another was a Texas cowboy. The
other person was a devout Muslim.
During their conversation, they began to discuss their cultural history.The American Indian stated "once my people were many, now we are few."
The Muslim then chimed in and arrogantly said, "once my people were few and now we are many."
The cowboy looked at the Muslim, shifted the toothpick in his mouth and said with a sly grin, "That's cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet.

__________________________________________________

Driving to town this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with
her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that damn makeup!!!

It scared me so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the
car using my knees against the steering wheel I knocked my cell phone away from my ear and it fell into the coffee between my legs and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!!!!!

Damn Women Drivers!!!!!!!!!

__________________________________________________

So this blind man walks into a bar and sits down. He yells, "Hey, wanna hear my newest blond joke?"

A voice replies, " Just to let you know I'm a 6'1" female wrestler, and I'm blond. My biker girlfriend is blond, the bartender is blond, and the waitress is blond. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind man replies, "Nah, I don't want to have to explain it four times!"

__________________________________________________

Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so dumb?"
God says: "So she would love you."

__________________________________________________

 

[moreluck]

> > Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could
> > > barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they
> > > came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on
> > > through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must
be
> > > losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light. After
a
> > > few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red,
> > > and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost
> > > sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she
might
> > > be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very
> > > close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was
> > > definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other
> > > woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three
> > > red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her
> > > and said, "Oh S#*t! Am I driving?"
> >
> >
>
>

 

[moreluck]

A young minister, sitting down to dinner was about to say grace
when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had
prepared from countless refrigerator leftovers.

"I don't know," he said dubiously. "It seems to me that we've
blessed all this stuff before."
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and
said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die
you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do
with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope
and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service and
write on the envelope, 'Now you have everything.'"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two
white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

"Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?"

"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a
heart transplant for an IRS agent and want to find a
suitable rock."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I really appreciate you and Dad watching Marvin today, Mom."

Later, Grandma says, "Boy, I'm really worn out. I remember being
exhausted when our kids were babies, Roy. Now, with grandkids, I'm
exhausted all over again!"

Grandpa replies, "It's to be expected, Bea. Why do you think they call
folks our age re-tired?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At my sister's rehearsal dinner, many people offered toasts
to the bridal couple, whose last name is Quarles; but their
favorite toast was our mother's:

"Best wishes to the bride and groom, and may all
their Quarles' be little ones."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on
the first day of school:

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says
happens at school, I'll promise not to believe everything
he says happens at home."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she
requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions
for her memorial service she wrote,
"They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want
them to take me out when I'm dead."

 

[jcroche]

A whole bunch of "blonde" jokes:

THE DIET

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the
blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."

__________________________________________________

RIVER WALK

There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a
river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
__________________________________________________

THE INTERVIEW

The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out
something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

__________________________________________________

MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding, and
asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
Huffily, she replied, "I wish you guys would make up your mind. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show
it to you!"

__________________________________________________

NO BRAINER

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she rolled the dice, and landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

__________________________________________________

HELP!!!

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde
stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival,
the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight. The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room."You can't get out of your room? "Why not?" the captain asked. "There are only three doors in here," she cried, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says, 'Do Not Disturb!'"

 

[jcroche]

One more BJ (blonde joke):

This blonde super model comes home to her Hollywood mansion to find that she's been burglarized. She runs inside and dials 911.

A k-9 Officer hears the call come out, and just happens to be one block away. The officer pulls up to the mansion, grabs his black Oakley's and his german shepard and jumps out of the patrol car.

The blond runs outside and screams, " I can't believe it. My mansion gets broke into and they send me a blind cop!"

 

[moreluck]

"Irish Jokes"


Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.


"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.


"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.


"That little s#*t, O'Conner," says Sean. "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."


"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."


"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"


"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."


********************************************


An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.


"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"


"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.


"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."


"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.


"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"


"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


*********************************


Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.


"Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya."


"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my

husband?"


"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."


"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."


"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."


Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"


"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."


"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"


"Well, no Brenda... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."


**********************************************


Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.


He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my dear?"


She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."


The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"


She says, "That he did, Father..."


The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"


She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun...

 

[moreluck]

A new medical kit has come out for passive-aggressive nurses to give to their patient.
It's known as Suture-Self.

 

[moreluck]

A woman calls her mother.
'My husband and I have been fighting so much lately. I am going to come live with you again.'
Her mother replies, 'No dear, he should pay for his mistakes. I am coming to live with you.'

 

[moreluck]

The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when acaller asked, "Doctor, I want to know why men always want to marry a virgin?"
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."

 

[moreluck]

Another way to say it...…..

A few clowns short of a circus.
*A few fries short of a Happy Meal
*An experiment in Artificial Stupidity
*A few beers short of six-pack
*A few peas short of a casserole
*Doesn't have all his cornflakes in one box
*The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead
*One Fruit Loop shy of full bowl
*One taco short of a combination plate
*A few feathers short of a whole duck
*All foam, no beer
*Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel
*Has an I.Q. of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt
*Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear
*Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel
*Too much yardage between the goalposts
*An intellect rivalled only by garden tools
*As smart as bait
*Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
*Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
*Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
*Forgot to pay his brain bill
*Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
*His belt doesn't go through all the loops
*If he had another brain, it would be lonely
*No grain in the silo
*Proof that evolution can go in reverse
*Receiver is off the hook
*Several nuts short of a full pouch
*He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down

 

[moreluck]

Three old Italian spinsters die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter.
He says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be.
The first spinster says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.
The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.
The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."
St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.
"Sara Pipalini" replies the old spinster.
St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."
The old gal then takes a newspaper out of her purse and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No, my dear woman, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."

 

[moreluck]

Mary's list for the "man" throughout the ages...

What I Want in a Man, Original List
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where the bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. He doesn't miss the toilet.

 

[moreluck]

Two Martians landed on a corner with a traffic light.
"I saw her first," one Martian said.
"So what?" said the other. "I'm the one she winked at."

 

[moreluck]

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.
This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"

 

[moreluck]

My Dearest Susan,
Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.
Yours always and truly,
John
P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery.

 

[moreluck]

I was actually thinking about buying a convertible... But then I thought, what if I was at a stoplight -- how would I avoid the homeless guy?

 

[moreluck]

Bad Day of Golf
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.
We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

 

[moreluck]

Bono & The Edge walk into a bar.
The barman says, "Oh no, not U2 again!"

 

[moreluck]

Top 10 Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote.
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."