Heard Any Good Ones: Archive

[more]

PLAYING WITH TRAINS.......

A few days after Christmas, a mother working in the kitchen was listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches gettin' on, get your asses in the train 'cause we're leaving!"
The mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house mister. Now I want you to go to your room for 2 hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nicer language."
Two hours later, her son came out of his room and began playing with the train once more.
Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope that you will ride with us again soon. For those of you just boarding, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking except in the club car. We hope you will all have a pleasant and relaxing trip with us today. For those of you who are pissed off because of the 2 hour delay, please see the <FONT COLOR="ff0000">•••••</FONT> in the kitchen!"

 

[vic]

This just shows Lawyers have a kind compassionate side too.

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food" the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!", he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home is about two feet tall."

 

[more]

***** WORK *****

The trouble with work is....it's so daily.

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep 'til noon.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Hard work spotlights the character of people; some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses and some don't turn up at all.

I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

Somedays it's just not worth chewing through the restraints.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task completely overwhelm me.

Price. Quality. Service: Pick two.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

The world is full of willing people - some willing to work and some willing to let them.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.

They can't fire me, slaves have to be sold.

Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people I had to kill because they pissed me off.

 

[more]

ACTUAL CLASSIFIED ADS.......

Free Yorkshire terrier. 8 yrs. old. Hateful little bastard.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd- part stupid dog.

Free puppies: half German Shepherd, half sneaky neighbor's dog.

Snow blower for sale....only used on snowy days.

Tickle Me Elmo (still in box) comes with its own 1988 Mustang, excellent condition.....$6800.00

Free 1 can of pork &amp; beans with purchase of 3 bdr. 2 bath home.

Nordic Track $300, hardly used. Call Chubbie.

Harrisburg Postal Employees Gun Club....

Georgia peaches. California grown. $.89 a lb.

Nice parachute: Never opened - used once. Slightly stained.

American Flag.....60 stars, pole included $100.

Open House at Body Shapers Toning Salon. Free coffee and donuts.

For Sale By Owner. Complete set of encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

 

[tom]

Sometimes we lose sight of which people are really important in our lives.

Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and
actress.
Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do?

The point is, we do not tend to remember the headliners of yesterday.
These are no second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields.
But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.

Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Name half a dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

Easier?

The lesson?

The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the
most credentials, the most money, or the most awards.

They are the ones that care.

 

[bruce]

A Bird in my Mailbox
Copyright 2000 W. Bruce Cameron
===> Please do not remove this copyright it is a legal notice <===

Two months ago, when I went out to the mailbox, my mail was sitting in the
street and the box itself was full of straw.

I pondered the situation. One of my main goals in life is to avoid
offending postal employees. Was this handful of dead grass some sort of
signal? A cry for help?

The next day it happened again. "It's as if, bit by bit, someone is
mailing us his lawn," I mused to my wife.

"Why don't you sit at the window and spy tomorrow, and see who's doing it,"
she suggested.

"Are you kidding? I've got way too much stuff to do to be wasting my time
watching the mailbox," I sniffed, reaching for the television remote.

On the third day, as I passed in front of the window, I was shocked to see
a bird fly up to the mailbox, open it with its beak, and dart inside like
it owned the place.

Now, I don't know much about birds, but I know they aren't supposed to
build their nests in my mailbox! I ran out, waited until the bird flew
away, and pulled all the straw onto the street in an ornithological eviction.

That afternoon, the mailman called. "This is your mailman, Mr. Cameron,"
he told me. "We will no longer deliver mail to you because you are housing
a bird in your mailbox. That's a violation of Article 12, section 3."

"What? I am not! The bird's there without my permission," I sputtered.

"Oh. Well, then it's Article 12, section 7," he corrected himself.
"Either way, it's against United States Postal Service regulations."

"I thought you guys delivered the mail no matter wind or rain or dark of
night."

"Yeah, but not birds."

"Well, what am I supposed to do? Every time I clean out his nest, he just
rebuilds it. He can open the mailbox by himself!"

"That's up to you, sir. I don't know anything about birds. I'm not the
Postmaster-General, I'm just the local mailman."

I managed to convince him that I would have the bird removed by the next
day's delivery, and received, under Article 32, section 19, a stay of
execution.

Well, I don't own many weapons. I have some kitchen knives, but somehow I
couldn't see myself successfully stabbing the poor creature. I also ruled
out strangulation and drowning--even if I made it look like an accident, I
was afraid of what the neighbors might think.

"Why don't you just put some stamps on it, and then the postman will pick
it up," one of my kids suggested at dinner that night. I pointedly ignored
the ensuing snickering, especially because I had been thinking the same
thing. Good idea, but how would I know how much postage to use?

Then it struck me: I had, living under my own roof, the perfect solution
to my problem--a bird's mortal enemy, a proven hunter of small creatures:
my wife's cat.

Now let me tell you, shoving a cat into a mailbox is not as easy as it
sounds. Felines apparently have an instinctive fear of small, postal
spaces. They also are not reluctant to sink their teeth into your knuckles
if they believe it will dissuade you from stuffing them inside a metal
container.

Well, by the time I managed to close the lid on my uncooperative pet, word
must have spread among all the flocks in the neighborhood, because the bird
never returned home. Unfortunately, I neglected to advise our mailman of
my plan, so that the first he heard of it was when he opened the box to
deliver our mail. The cat launched itself out in such a fashion as to put
our house in violation of Articles 19, 27, and 30 of the Postal Code. (I
could see Article 27, but 19? Come on, get real.)

At my hearing I pointed out that the postman's screaming was evidence of a
distinct lack of professional detachment, but despite this prejudicial
atmosphere I was still placed on postal probation. Now I must pick up my
mail at the post office, and I had to pay for some facial stitches.

I agree, it hardly seems fair.

 

[more]

DREADFUL DISAPPOINTMENT.........

Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, asked during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body which, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define those conditions?"

Miss Smythe gasped, then cooly said, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this," and sat down red-faced.

Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye in dim light."

"Correct Miss Johnson." said Mr. Perkins. "And now Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. ONE, you have not studied your lesson. TWO, you have a dirty mind. And THREE, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

 

[more]

****** QUOTATIONS ******

"The problem with the rat race is even if you win you're still a rat." - Lili Tomlin

"Sincerity is the key. If you can fake that, you've got it made." - George Burns

"Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter." - Mark Twain

"Live simply so that others may simply live." - Ghandi

"Every time I feel the urge to exercise, I lie down until it goes away." - Mark Twain

"On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does." - Will Rogers

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there are men on base." - Dave Barry

"Reader, suppose you were an idiot....And suppose you were a member of Congress, but I repeat myself." - Mark Twain

"640K of memory ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates 1981

"A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his client to plant vines." - Frank Lloyd Wright

"A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer." - Robert Frost

"I keep my ideals, because in spite of everything, I still believe that people are really good at heart." - Anne Frank

 

[vic]

AND WHAT A NICE CONVENIENT NAME! - The Postal Service is launching a new service to allow people to pay all their bills electronically online at its new web site, "USPSeBillPay.com." The post office will handle all the transactions and electronic security for the service, which uses the slogan, "Pay Your Bills On Time ... Because We Know Where You Live, and We're Armed."

 

[vic]

<!-NOTE: Message edited by 'admin'-!>Deductions Denied

(This is a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of 1995's weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.)

Dear Sirs:

I'm responding to your letter denying the deduction for 2 of the 3 dependents I claimed on my 1994 Federal Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years.

They are evil and expensive. It's only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government know something about them and what to expect over the next year. Please do not try to reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction.

They are yours! The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense.

While you mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle, or getting up early to drive her to school.

Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to occasionally remind her of the virtues of abstinence, or in the face of overwhelming passion, safe sex. This is uncomfortable, so I'm quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day, if he is not incarcerated first. In February, I was awakened at 3 a.m. by a police officer who brought Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office, or to Ogden, UT?

Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I'll take care of filing your ph # with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones. This is the house of testosterone and it'll be much more peaceful when he lives in your home. DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones. (They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. "Hooked On Phonics" is expensive, so the school dropped it. But here's the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amt of the deduction that you're denying me! It's quite obvious that we're terrible parents (ask the other two).

She can't speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the in hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her "r's". It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced 4 more times. She has a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I'm sure that you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come after her, she sort of "nests" and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied 2 of the 3 exemptions. It's only fair you get to pick which 2 you take. I prefer you take the youngest 2, I'll still go bankrupt with Kristen's college, but then I'm free! If you take the 2 oldest, I'll still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the 2 girls, then I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know your decision asap, as I've already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly, Bill

(Note: the IRS reconsidered the deductions and reinstated his refund!!)

 

[vic]

Alcohol Warnings

The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a jerk.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.

 

[vic]

Breakfast Trouble

A 7 year old boy and his 4 year old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. The 7 year old was explaining that it was high time that the two of them begin swearing. When his little brother responded enthusiastically, the 7 year old hatched the plan, "When we go down stairs for breakfast this morning, I'll say 'Hell' and you say '<FONT COLOR="ff0000">•••</FONT>.' The 4 year old happily agreed.

As the two boys were seating themselves at the breakfast table, their mother walked in and asked her older son what he would like to eat for breakfast. The 7 year old replied, "Ah hell, Mom, I'll just have some Cheerios."

"WHACK!" The surprised mother reacted quickly. The boy ran upstairs, bawling and rubbing his behind. With a sterner voice, the mother then turned to the younger son, "And what would YOU like for breakfast?"

"I don't know," the 4 year old blubbered, "but you can bet your <FONT COLOR="ff0000">•••</FONT> it's not gonna be Cheerios."

 

[vic]

Potentially and Realistically

A young boy went up to his father and asked, "What is the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The father answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Also, ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you have learned."

So, the boy went to his mother and said, "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?"

The mother replied, "Of course I would!! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."

The boy then went to his sister and said, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"

The girl replied, "Oh, my God! I would just love to do that! I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity!!"

The boy then thought about it for two or three days and went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"

The boy replied, "Yes, potentially we're sitting on two million dollars, but realistically we're living with two sluts."

 

[vic]

Pithy Sayings

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it

4. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

15. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.

16. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

17. Don't worry ... it only seems kinky the first time.

18. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

19. Don't squat with your spurs on.

20. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

21. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

22. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

23. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

24. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

25. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

26. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

27. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

28. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.

29. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away, and you have their shoes.

30. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

31. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

32. Never mess up an apology with an excuse.

 

[dusty]

A list of Helpful Office Sayings:


-I don't know what your problem is but I bet it's hard to pronounce.

-I see you have set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

-I'm really easy to get along with as soon as people learn to worship me.

-I'll try to be nicer if your try to be smarter.

-I don't work here I am a consultant.

-You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

-The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you are an artist.

-I'm out of my mind but feel free to leave a message.

-It sounds like English but I don't understand a word you are saying.

-I am not being rude. You are just being insignificant.

-It's a thankless job, but I have a lot of karma to burn off.
You sound reasonable. Time to up the medication.

-My toys, my toys! I can't do this job without my toys.

-It might look like I am doing nothing but at the cellular level I am really quite busy.

-Who me? I just wander from room to room.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I can see your point of view, but I still think you are full of crap.

What am I ? Flypaper for freaks?

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

 

[cheryl]

The original thread was getting a little long so I thought I'd start a new one...

 

[old]

Three changes already

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

 

[more]

Been gone for a week, but I'm back!

One Sunday morning the priest noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church.
The young man of 7 had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the priest walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning, son."
"Good Morning, Father," replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked.
"Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the priest. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which service sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30?"

 

[lazyboy]

'No Work' Excuses for Mondays
I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet....

Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

I prefer to remain an enigma.

I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly elog (pi) on all the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

 

[bill]

Protected employment
Boss, to four of his employees: "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."

Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."

Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."

Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."

...To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:
"I think I might be gay..."