Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Approved

Two doctors opened an office in a small town.

They put up a sign reading: "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not too happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to: "Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

No go! Next they tried "Catatonics and Colonics" Thumbs down again.

Then came, "Manic-Depressives and Anal-Retentives."

But is was still not good! So they tried:

"Minds and Behinds"

"Analysis and Anal Cysts"

"Nuts and Butts"

"Freaks and Cheeks"

"Loons and Moons"

"Lost Souls and Ass Holes"

None worked.

Almost at their wits' end, the doctors finally came up with a title they thought might be accepted by the council:

"Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Odds and Ends."

APPROVED!

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

"Coming home, pouring yourself a glass of wine and sitting there having a conversation with your kid about how their day was; it's not dramatic, it doesn't seem exciting, but it's probably the nicest part [of parenting]."
~Stephen Colbert~

 

[moreluck]

Ever come up with a great idea only to find out some jerk beat you to it ?

I was wearing sunglasses, but the sun was still too bright. It gave me an idea for a portable rooflike device over one's head that could be propped up on the shoulders.
Better yet, it could be worn on the head and extended forward to keep the sun out of one's eyes. Then it hit me: I'd just invented the hat.

 

[moreluck]

Either Way

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a sign on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"

 

[oldngray]

I’ve learnt...
... That only in my dreams can I be free. The rest of the time I need wages.

... I should never use five exclamation marks as it is a sure sign of an insane mind.

... That before you die your life passes before your eyes and that it is called living.

... If you build a man a fire, he will only be warm for one day. You should rather set him on fire, and then he will be warm for the rest of his life.

... That everything starts somewhere and that it is only physicists that disagree.

... That taxation is only a sophisticated way of charging money with menaces.

... Today we may feel fine, but sooner or later we will all be somebody’s dog,

... That the intelligence of the creature named Crown is the square root of the sum of the people in it.

... That is never good walking with an open mind as someone will always try to put something in it.

… That Rincewind is guaranteed to solve any minor problem by turning it into a major disaster.

… That Death can have near-life experiences.

… That in ancient times cats were worshiped as gods, and that they seem to remember that and never allow you to forget it.

… That the only time it is worth doing something is when you do it that somebody, somewhere, would much rather you were not doing.

… That fantasy is really nothing but an exercise bicycle for the brain. It may not actually take you everywhere, but at least it exercises the muscles that will. Then again, he admitted he might be wrong.

… That the water of Ankh-Morpork has to be clean, In fact it is probably some of the purest water as it has already passed through countless other kidneys.

… That magic uses the energy unit Thaum. One Thaum is roughly the amount of power needed to create one tiny white dove and three normal sized doves.

… That gravity is a habit that is hard to shake off.

… That something as artificial and human as an hour would not last 5 minutes here. It would be dried up and shrivelled in seconds.

… That it is very hard to determine the underlying logic of the universe, because there isn’t one.

… That bacon only comes as a surprise to pigs.

… That you should never build a dungeon YOU can’t get out of.

-Terry Pratchett

 

[moreluck]

Scrabble: It's all fun and games until someone loses an "I".

I saw a guy spill Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, "What's the word on the street?"

My dog ate all the Scrabble tiles once. He kept leaving little messages around the house.

 

[moreluck]

I wish people were like the internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they're going to be talking.

 

[oldngray]

 

[IVE GOTTA PACKAGE 4U]

DOB

 

[moreluck]

The blonde is in the bathroom and her husband shouts, "Did you find the shampoo?"She answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."


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A blonde man spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope, "DO NOT BEND."
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
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A blonde man shouts frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"
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A blonde is driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
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A blondes dog goes missing, and she is frantic. Her husband says, "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"
She does, but two weeks later, the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" her husband asks.
She replies, "Here boy!"
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A blonde man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," the blonde replies.
"It should be around your neck," says the guard.
"I know," he replies, "but then I couldn't breath
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An Italian tourist asks a blonde, "Why do American scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the blonde replies, "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."

 

[moreluck]

thanks Eric

The Library


A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"
The girl replied in a loud voice:

"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy;
he was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the
guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology,
and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt
embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded in a loud voice:
"$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S TOO MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy whispered to her: "I study law,
and I know how to screw people."

 

[moreluck]

A military lab has developed a pizza that boasts a shelf life of three years without being frozen, and now the 'Week' has asked its readers to name this durable dish. Here's what they came up with:

Semper Pie
The Lasting Supper
In-dough-structible
Pizza de Resistance
DeFrigNo
Auld Lang Slice
Eternal Piece
Grandpapa John's pizza

 

[moreluck]

Riding in a Basket


A monastery perched high upon a cliff and the only access to reach it was by way of riding in a basket which several monks hauled up to the top.

Obviously the ride over the rocky jagged terrain was steep, and in a wicker basket, terrifying to all but the naively fearless.

One visitor, however, got exceedingly nervous. Roughly halfway up he saw that the rope by which he was being hauled was rather frayed and splitting. Shaking in his boots but unable to move, he frantically asked the monk who was seated next to him how often they changed the rope.

Thinking for a moment, the monk answered, "Whenever it breaks."

 

[moreluck]

Be Careful What You Wish For


There once was this guy that got a dirty old lamp for his birthday. He cleaned it up and POOF!--out popped a genie!

"I shall give you three wishes. You may have anything you like."

So the guys thinks for a minute and says, "I would like a billion dollars."

"You shall have it," and the genie grants him the wish. "Anything else?"

The guy thinks for a while. Then, "I would like a VW Bug with A/C, power locks, power windows, 10-disk changer, you know the works."

"Your wish is my command. What is your last wish?"

"Hmmm. I think I'll save it for a rainy day."

"OK, suit yourself," says the genie.

So the guy gets in his new VW and goes for a drive to show all his friends. He turns on the radio. There's a very familiar commercial on. The guy starts singing to it: "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."

 

[moreluck]

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so Fred bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out his efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favorite rooster, Old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this one morning he noticed that Old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Fred's amazement, Old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of Old Butch, that he entered him in the County Fair, and Old Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges. The judges not only awarded Old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly Old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully in the next election --- you can't always hear the bells.

 

[moreluck]

When you die, 10 things GOD won't ask you:






1..... God won't ask what kind of car you drove. He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation..


2..... God won't ask the square footage of your house, He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.


3..... God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.


4..... God won't ask what your highest salary was. He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.


5..... God won't ask what your job title was. He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of your ability.

6..... God won't ask how many friends you had. He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.


7..... God won't ask in what neighborhood you lived, He'll ask how you treated your neighbors.


8..... God won't ask about the color of your skin, He'll ask about the content of your character.
9..... God won't ask why it took you so long to find Him and ask Him into your house, He'll lovingly take you to heaven and not to the gates of Hell.

 

[moreluck]

The Hereafter

The minister advised Uncle Howard to give some thought to the "hereafter."

Uncle Howard told him that the hereafter was hardly ever out of his mind.

At least a dozen times a day he would go to do something, like going to the bathroom cabinet for his medicine, then say, "What the heck am I hereafter

 

[moreluck]

Let Brian Graduate



It was graduation day and everybody was waiting to get their diplomas.

Everybody but Brian. At the commencement, the entire senior class stood up and shouted, "Let Brian graduate, let Brian graduate!"

The principal relented to the mob and decided to give Brian one last chance. "If I have five apples in my right hand and five in my left hand, Brian, how many apples do I have?"

Brian thought long and hard and then said, "Ten."

Hearing the answer the entire senior class stood up and shouted "Give Brian another chance! Give Brian another chance!"

 

[moreluck]

To Be A Kid Again


Sometimes I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:

~ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

~ Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"

~ "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

~ Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."

~ Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

~ It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

~ Being old referred to anyone over 20.

~ The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and the rules didn't matter.

~ The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

~ It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or take my nose off my face.

~ It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.

~ Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

~ Nobody was prettier than Mom.

~ Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

~ It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.

~ Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

~ Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."

~ Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.

~ "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.

~ Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

~ The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

~ War was a card game.

~ Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

~ Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

~ Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.

~ Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

~ Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.