Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Same Dress....


The wedding day was fast approaching. Everything was ready, and nothing could dampen Jennifer's excitement, not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother Sheila finally found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best-dressed mother of the bride EVER!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn her new young stepmother, Barbie, had purchased the same dress. She asked Barbie to exchange the dress, but Barbie refused, "Absolutely not! I'm going to wear this dress. I'll look like a million bucks in it!"

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously replied, "Never mind, dear. I'll get another dress, after all it's YOUR special day, not ours."

Two weeks later, another dress was finally found. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "What are you going to do with the first dress? Maybe you should return it. You don't have any place to wear it."

Sheila grinned and replied, "Of course, I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner."

 

[moreluck]

KISS...


At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor was about to deliver his speech when his wife, who was sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.

A guest seated next to the speaker said, "It looks like your wife has sent you a kiss for good luck. She must love you very much."

The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep it short, Stupid."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: About Life's Lesson
I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we sing "Silent Night".
Age 6

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli either.
Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it, Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should try cheering someone else up.
Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than words of advice.
Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's great pleasures.
Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers have followed me there.
Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me, I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 38

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but just don't know how to show it.
Age 42

I've learned that you can make someone's day by simply sending them a little note.
Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits for hours.
Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away from the phone.
Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 51

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as making a life.
Age 58

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness, I usually make the right decision.
Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch - holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 90

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92

 

[moreluck]

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

Spotted owl taste just like chicken.

Hang up and drive.

Happiness is a belt-fed weapon.

Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

Snatch a kiss, or vice versa.

I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.

WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

This would be really funny if it wasn't happening to me.

I have the body of a god... Buddha!

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Prostate check
NO WONDER SO MANY OLDER GUYS RECKON THEY HAVE

PROSTATE PROBLEMS!!!


An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and Gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a Very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your Prostate today, but this new procedure is a little Different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side,bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,

'99'.The old guy obeys and says,


"99".

The doctor says, "Great",now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath a
'99"

Again, the old guy says,
'99'."The doctor said, “Very good”.



Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees Raised slightly.

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis

to keep it out of the way.

Now take a deep breath and say,
'99'.
The old guy begins,

"One....

two…
three…"
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.

 

[moreluck]

Caffeine Prayer......


Caffeine is my shepherd, I shall not doze.

It maketh me to wake in green pastures.

It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.

It restoreth my buzz.

It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal (tm).

For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.

Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez.

Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.

Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the House of Folger's forever.

 

[moreluck]

George and the Dragon.....


An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked.

The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked.

The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted.

"Could I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she shouted.

"Could I at least sleep in your stable?"

"No!" she shouted again.

The vagabond said, "Might I please...?"

"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish.

"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

 

[moreluck]

President Obama explained he didn't know about the VA hospital scandal until he heard about it from reporters Monday. That's pretty much the pattern. President Obama doesn't hold press conferences to make news, he holds press conferences to find out what's in the news.
~Argus Hamilton~

 

[moreluck]

A woman with 14 children, ages one through fourteen, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion.

"When did he desert you, "the judge asked.

"Thirteen years ago" she replied.

"If he left 13 years ago, where did all the children come from?"

"Well," said the woman, "he kept coming back to say he was sorry."

 

[moreluck]

I took my wife to a restaurant.The waiter, for some reason, took my order first."I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""Nah, she can order for herself."And that's when the fight started....


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.I asked her, "Do you know him?""Yes", she sighed,"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.""My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"And then the fight started...

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

• Today I saw a baby with a bib that said “This put my cape on backwards.”
• My keys always end up in the pocket opposite of my free hand.
• A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. But I suppose that’s not a problem for you.
• Laughing at your mistakes can lengthen your life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.
• There are two kinds of people in the world: those who finish what they start
• You can own a dog, but you can only feed a cat.

“In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, the oxygen masks will drop from overhead. For $15, you can activate it.”

• I’m ready to listen. Are you ready to think?
• How does a man show he’s planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

• Insanity. Not just a defense. It’s a lifestyle too.

 

[moreluck]

Too Bad....


Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates, and are comparing stories on how they had died.


First woman-- "I froze to death.


Second woman -- "You froze to death -- how horrible!"


First woman-- "Well, it wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?"

Second woman -- "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den, watching TV."


First woman -- "So what happened?"


Second woman- - "I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere, that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched and down to the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under every bed. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died"


First woman-- "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive."

 

[moreluck]

Bill Clinton disclosed Monday that the head injury Hillary suffered eighteen months ago took six months to heal. She had a concussion and was put on painkillers. Hillary grew up a Chicago Bears fan wanting to be just like Dick Butkus and it looks like she finally got her wish.



Kate Middleton's bottom was photographed when her skirt blew up a year after tabloids caught a photo of her bare breasts. She's at wit's end. Kate's thinking of having the image of Mohammed tattooed over her private parts to stop the press from printing pictures of them.


The White House released the CIA station chief's name on Obama's flight to Afghanistan Saturday. A reporter saw it and tipped off the president. It was the first time the president could say that he learned of a White House scandal from the press with any zeal and credibility.


President Obama spelled out his foreign policy in a speech to the graduating West Point cadets on Wednesday. He began by saying that under the Constitution his power is wisely limited. It's always a good idea to start your speech with a funny joke to get the crowd on your side.

-- Argus Hamilton

 

[moreluck]

Walking Belle


This is too funny not to share ... Who says dads can't
think on their feet? And the innocence of little kids ...

A little girl asked her Mom,
"Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says,
"Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around theblock?

I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."

Being oldschool he took a rag, soaked it with a little gasoline,
and dabbed the dog'sbackside with it to disguise the scent,and said,
"OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and
only go one time round theblock."


The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where'sBelle?"

The little girl said,
"She ran out of gas about halfway down the block,
so another dog is pushing her home."

 

[moreluck]

the Advanced class Biology Exam?
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was,'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think
of seven advantages However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers
& is high enough off the ground
where the cat can't get it!!



HE GOT AN "A"!!

 

[CaliforniaPaul]

the Advanced class Biology Exam?
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam.
The last question was,'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.’
The question was worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think
of seven advantages However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.

2) It provides immunity against several diseases.

3) It is always the right temperature.

4) It is inexpensive.

5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.

6) It is always available as needed.

And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the
bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:

7) It comes in two attractive containers
& is high enough off the ground
where the cat can't get it!!



HE GOT AN "A"!!

CONFUCIUS MAY NOT HAVE SAID ..but would have, if he had thought a bit more!
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

I’m so lonely I bought a plane ticket just for the airport pat down.

A surprise party is a great way to show your girlfriend how awesome you are at lying to her face.

My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.

Don’t listen to their foolishness. Listen to mine!

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be a consultant.

Claiming a product promotes weight loss when combined with diet and exercise is like claiming it grants wishes when used with a leprechaun.

When they offer you “instant credit”, don’t they really mean “instant debt”?