Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
On their 40th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration.
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness – and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
"Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?"
Tom responds, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness – and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Delta Airlines is infusing its cabin with a lavender and chamomile scent called 'Calm'. The Week asked its readers to come up with a better name to match the ambience of the packed economy cabin."
*Eau the Humanity
*Giorgio's Arm-on-me
*Claustrophobique
*Mist Connection
*The 99 Per-scent.
*Eau the Humanity
*Giorgio's Arm-on-me
*Claustrophobique
*Mist Connection
*The 99 Per-scent.
moreluck
golden ticket member
A young pastor moved to town and decided he would go around and introduce himself to the new congregation. He rang the first door bell and a lady came to the door. She stared at him as he introduced himself.
She said, “I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer.”
He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”
The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said, “Hello, darling!”
She said, “I can't believe how much you look like Conway Twitty, the country music singer.”
He replied, “Yes, ma’am, I hear that a lot.”
He went to the next house and the next, and every lady that came to the door said the same thing—that he looked like Conway Twitty.
At the last house, a shapely young lady came to the door with a towel around her. He started to introduce himself, but she loosened her towel, threw her arms in the air, and screamed, “Conway Twitty!”
The pastor stood there, stunned. Then he said, “Hello, darling!”
moreluck
golden ticket member
The young couple invited their aged pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. "Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Pinocchio is all grown up, and has moved out. One day, he meets Gepetto in a bar, and starts confiding in him.
"Whenever I'm having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters." he says.
Gepetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever he feels 'lucky', he should rub sandpaper on his 'member'.
Happy, Pinocchio says he'll try it.
A few weeks later, Gepetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street, he stops him, and asks how its going with the girls, now, to which Pinocchio replies, "Hey, who needs girls?"
"Whenever I'm having sex with a girl, she complains about splinters." he says.
Gepetto looks all wise, and tells him that whenever he feels 'lucky', he should rub sandpaper on his 'member'.
Happy, Pinocchio says he'll try it.
A few weeks later, Gepetto spots Pinocchio walking down the street, he stops him, and asks how its going with the girls, now, to which Pinocchio replies, "Hey, who needs girls?"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Little Panes
An area minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish, while and presenting the children's message.
Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of life. Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see, each of you is a little pane."
And then pointing to each child individually, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."
It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing.
An area minister tells of his first Sunday in a new parish, while and presenting the children's message.
Seems the sanctuary in the new church had some magnificent stained glass windows, so his message centered on how each of us is called of God to help make up the whole picture of life. Like the pictures in the windows, it takes many little panels of glass to make the whole picture.
And then he said, "You see, each of you is a little pane."
And then pointing to each child individually, "You're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And you're a little pane. And..."
It took a few moments before he realized why everyone was laughing.
moreluck
golden ticket member
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle."
"A fottle? That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton."
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."
"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"
"A fottle."
"A fottle? That's a stupid name. Can you think of something else?"
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton."
"And what do you call that?" asks the clerk.
"A farton."
"That's rude. You can't possibly call it that."
"In that case," says the man, "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Signs You're the Reincarnation of Someone Famous...
-During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor's pets.
-When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him.
-Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and ha
s a lovely singing voice.
-While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling.
-Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.
-You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.
-During a thunderstorm, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbor's pets.
-When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him.
-Not only do you consider Yoko an artistic genius, you think she's beautiful and ha
s a lovely singing voice.
-While working under the sink, you get this insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling.
-Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.
-You're found writing down rules of the office on giant stone tablets.
moreluck
golden ticket member
St. Peter and the Blonde....
Some ecclesiastical gentlemen -- a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others -- were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.
He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.
A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter. After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church. How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?
St. Peter smiled and told him: "While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car. She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined.
Some ecclesiastical gentlemen -- a cardinal, a couple of bishops and some others -- were waiting outside the Pearly Gates for St. Peter to open up.
He finally arrived, but just they were about to enter heaven St. Peter asked them to wait a moment and let a new arrival through first.
A sweet young thing in a mini-skirt arrived and was ushered through.The cardinal was a bit upset about this and demanded an explanation from St. Peter. After all, they had been waiting outside for quite some time and were pillars of the church. How could a girl in a mini-skirt deserve better treatment?
St. Peter smiled and told him: "While she was alive, that young lady drove a little yellow sports car. She regularly jumped red lights, overtook on blind corners, and generally scared the devil out of more people than all of you combined.
moreluck
golden ticket member
2015 Church Service
.
PASTOR: "Praise the Lord!"
CONGREGATION: Hallelujah!"
PASTOR: "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone,and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians, 13:13.
And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."
P-a-u-s-e......
"Now, Let us pray committing this week into God's hands.
Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God"
S-i-l-e-n-c-e
"As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit anddebit cards ready."
"You can log on to the church Wi-Fi using the password 'Lord909887.'
The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:
a. Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed tocomputers and laptops at the rear of the church.
b. Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.
c. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cell phones to transferyour contributions to the church account.
The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smartphones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!
Final Blessing and Closing Announcements.
a. This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebookgroup pages where the usual group chatting takes place.
Please log in and don't miss out.
b. Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Pleasedon't miss out.
c. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling andprayers.
God bless and have a nice day.
And Jesus wept
.
PASTOR: "Praise the Lord!"
CONGREGATION: Hallelujah!"
PASTOR: "Will everyone please turn on their tablet, PC, iPad, smart phone,and Kindle Bibles to 1 Corinthians, 13:13.
And please switch on your Bluetooth to download the sermon."
P-a-u-s-e......
"Now, Let us pray committing this week into God's hands.
Open your Apps, BBM, Twitter and Facebook, and chat with God"
S-i-l-e-n-c-e
"As we take our Sunday tithes and offerings, please have your credit anddebit cards ready."
"You can log on to the church Wi-Fi using the password 'Lord909887.'
The ushers will circulate mobile card swipe machines among the worshipers:
a. Those who prefer to make electronic fund transfers are directed tocomputers and laptops at the rear of the church.
b. Those who prefer to use iPads can open them.
c. Those who prefer telephone banking, take out your cell phones to transferyour contributions to the church account.
The holy atmosphere of the Church becomes truly electrified as ALL the smartphones, iPads, PCs and laptops beep and flicker!
Final Blessing and Closing Announcements.
a. This week's ministry cell meetings will be held on the various Facebookgroup pages where the usual group chatting takes place.
Please log in and don't miss out.
b. Thursday's Bible study will be held live on Skype at 1900hrs GMT. Pleasedon't miss out.
c. You can follow your Pastor on Twitter this weekend for counseling andprayers.
God bless and have a nice day.
And Jesus wept
moreluck
golden ticket member
What Are You Doing
One day, a gorilla escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported seeing it.
At last, the gorilla was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo and the animal handlers were summoned to the library where they found it sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The gorilla was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible and the other was Darwin's "Origin of Species".
The zookeepers asked the gorilla what he was doing.
The gorilla replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
One day, a gorilla escaped from the Bronx Zoo. They searched for him everywhere in every borough. They announced his disappearance on the radio and television as well as in the newspapers, but no one reported seeing it.
At last, the gorilla was discovered in the New York Public Library. Officials of the zoo and the animal handlers were summoned to the library where they found it sitting at a desk in the reading room with two books spread out in front of him. The gorilla was reading with great concentration. One book was the Bible and the other was Darwin's "Origin of Species".
The zookeepers asked the gorilla what he was doing.
The gorilla replied, "I'm trying to figure out whether I am my brother's keeper or my keeper's brother."
moreluck
golden ticket member
One morning the lion is feeling especially ferocious. He saunters over to a monkey swinging in a tree and roars, "Who's the king of this jungle?" The monkey scampers down from the tree, bows to the lion and stammered, "Wh..wh...why you are Mr. Lion."
A few minutes later, the lion comes across a warthog. He stops in front of the animal and asks, "Who's the baddest dude in this jungle?"
The warthog hid his face in the dirt and whispered, "You're the baddest, King Lion."
This continues all morning long with animal after animal bowing and scraping to the lion. Finally the lion comes across an 80-year-old bull elephant. He bellows at the elephant, "Who's the king of this jungle? Who owns this place?"
With that the elephant wrapped his trunk around the lion's belly. He raised the lion 12 feet in the air and slammed his head against the ground. After that he slammed the lion into a tree on the right and then into another tree on the left. Finally, the elephant swung his trunk and threw the lion 35 feet away where the lion landed in a thorn bush.
As the elephant lumbered down the trail the lion shook his paw and shouted, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get an attitude!"
A few minutes later, the lion comes across a warthog. He stops in front of the animal and asks, "Who's the baddest dude in this jungle?"
The warthog hid his face in the dirt and whispered, "You're the baddest, King Lion."
This continues all morning long with animal after animal bowing and scraping to the lion. Finally the lion comes across an 80-year-old bull elephant. He bellows at the elephant, "Who's the king of this jungle? Who owns this place?"
With that the elephant wrapped his trunk around the lion's belly. He raised the lion 12 feet in the air and slammed his head against the ground. After that he slammed the lion into a tree on the right and then into another tree on the left. Finally, the elephant swung his trunk and threw the lion 35 feet away where the lion landed in a thorn bush.
As the elephant lumbered down the trail the lion shook his paw and shouted, "Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get an attitude!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I ain't horny, I'm homesick."
Similar threads
- traveler
- The Archives