Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A teacher was teaching the colors and their flavors using lollipops. She distributed purple lollipops to her class and asked, "What flavor is purple?"

The class responded, "Grape."

She continued this with yellow, green, orange and red. The last lollipops distributed were a light yellow-brown (honey flavored). The children were unable to identify the flavor. Teacher suggested, as a clue to its name, "It's what your mother calls your father when he leaves for work in the morning."

Little Mary shouted, "Spit it out quick! It's a b*tthead!"

 

[moreluck]

Dear Abby


My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning,
and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse,
everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and
shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?


Signed: Clueless



Dear Clueless:


Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States

 

[moreluck]

Sprechen Sie Deutsch

A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English, but I found that many people spoke only their native tongue, including the ticket inspector on the train.

He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a
windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

When he had gone, an American woman in the compartment leaned forward and asked
if I spoke German.

"No," I confessed.

"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

 

[moreluck]

My friend reviewed her young son’s fill-in-the-blank homework.

One line: “At Christmas, we exchange gifts with ____.”

His response: “Receipts.”

 

[moreluck]

Zen Sarcasm:
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed...Skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

 

[moreluck]

An Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"

 

[moreluck]

The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.

They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest.
The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet,"
they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."

 

[oldngray]

 

[moreluck]

Runner’s Euphoria

A friend of mine had resisted efforts to get him to run with our jogging group until his doctor told him he had to exercise.

Soon thereafter, he reluctantly joined us for our 5:30 a.m. jogs on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays.

After a month of running, we decided that my friend might be hooked, especially when he said he had discovered what "runner’s euphoria" was.

"Runner’s euphoria," he explained, "is what I feel at 5:30 on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays."

 

[moreluck]

How Many Christians Does It Take to Change a Light Bulb?

Charismatic: Only 1 - Hands are already in the air.

Pentecostal: 10 - One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None - Lights will go on and off at predestined times.

Roman Catholic: None - Candles only.

Baptists: At least 15 - One to change the light bulb, and three committees to approve the change and decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.

Episcopalians: 3 - One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks, and one to talk about how much better the old one was.

Mormons: 5 - One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Methodists: Undetermined - Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, turnip bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.

Nazarene: 6 - One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.

Lutherans: None - Lutherans don't believe in change.

Amish: What’s a light bulb?

 

[moreluck]

A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband.

Lady: I lost my Husband.

Inspector: What is his height?

Lady: I never noticed
.
Inspector: Slim or healthy?

Lady: Not slim can be healthy.

Inspector: Color of eyes?

Lady: Never noticed.

Inspector: Color of hair?

Lady: Changes according to season.

Inspector: What was he wearing?

Lady: Suit... Casuals... I don't remember exactly.

Inspector: Was somebody with him?

Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together, we jog together...
And the lady started crying.

Inspector: Let's search for the dog first!

 

[moreluck]

An IRS agent went into a minister's study. “Pastor,” he said, “do you know a Mr. Karten?”
"Yes, I do.”
"Is he a member of your congregation?”
"Yes, he is.”
"Did he make the $100,000 donation he's claiming on his return?”
"I assure you that he will!”

 

[moreluck]

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

 

[moreluck]

Jury selection...
An important and very well publicized murder trial was soon to begin. In preparation for the trial, the tiresome jury selection process took place, each side hotly contesting and dismissing potential jurors.
One prospective juror, Dan O'Keefe, was called for his question session.
He was asked, "Property holder?"
Dan replied, "Yes, I am, Your Honor."
Then he was asked, "Married or single?"
Dan responded, "Married for twenty years, Your Honor."
Then the judge asked, "Formed or expressed an opinion?"
Dan stated with certainty, "Not in twenty years, Your Honor."

 

[moreluck]

From The Next Stall

I was coming back from visiting my son in my Miami and I stopped at a rest stop to use the bathroom.

I just was in the stall when I heard a voice coming from the stall next to mine, “Hey! How’s it going?”

Although I was quite surprised, and I wasn’t in the habit of conversing to the people next to me in the stall, I nevertheless answered him, “I’m fine. Thanks for asking.”

“What are you doing?” Asked the same voice.

To be honest I was a bit taken aback by the brazenness of this fellow, but I would never ignore anyone so I calmly answered, “I’m relieving myself.”

Then I heard the same voice again, “I’m going to have to call you back, some smart-aleck is answering all of my questions.”

 

[moreluck]

What do you call a blonde in a leather jacket?

A rebel without a clue!

 

[moreluck]

One friend to another, “My new horse is very well-mannered.”
“That’s nice.”
“Yes, isn’t it? Every time we come to a jump he stops and lets me go first!”

 

[moreluck]

Steven Wright .......

All the plants in my house are dead--I shot them last night. I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

It's a fine night to have an evening.

 

[moreluck]

.

 

[moreluck]

Girls Night Out...
The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!
Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!
After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:
"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."