Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".
Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".
An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".
One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day"

 

[moreluck]

My nephew was in the bathroom shaving when the phone rang, so his 4 yr. old daughter, Amanda, answered. It was her father's sergeant.

Hearing a child's voice, the sergeant said, "Hello. I'm your dad's boss. May I speak to him?"
Amanda turned toward the bathroom and shouted, "Dad, the president's on the phone."
~Judy Newberry~

 

[moreluck]

A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'

Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared..

To everyone's relief, she died of a heart attack when she was 58. Her husband had a closed casket at the wake..

After the burial, he went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. His neighbours, concerned for his safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that she may indeed be able to dig her way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??'

The husband put down his drink and said - 'Let her dig. I had her buried upside down..'

 

[moreluck]

Harvey's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop.
In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent. He asks Harvey, "Vat sims to be ze problem?"
Harvey says, "I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tocktick -tock' anymore. Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'"
The old man says, "Mmm-Hm!" and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face. Then he says in a menacing voice, "Ve haf vays of making you tock!"

 

[moreluck]

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs" I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."
I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."
"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

 

[moreluck]

There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting. 85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married.. 10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married.. The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him and would have married him anyway.

 

[moreluck]

They say, "If you love somebody, let them go. If they return, they were always yours. If they don't, they never were." This doesn't apply if you hug them too hard before they go.

 

[moreluck]

A man is madly in love with a princess and wants to propose, but an evil witch has cast a spell on him, and now he can say only one word a year.
So he waits 14 agonizing years – accumulating all his words – before approaching his beloved. Finally, the big day arrives. When he sees her, his heart skips a beat.
He gathers his nerve, drops to his knees, and intones, "My darling, I have waited many years to say this – will you marry me?"
The princess turns around, smiles, and says, "Pardon?"

 

[moreluck]

Hospital Rules...

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need Sam's help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator. On the way down Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don't know, he said. She is still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.

 

[moreluck]

Panic at the hotel
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"
The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.
"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"
"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

 

[moreluck]

A man goes to get his salary cheque and when he opens it he discovers that his employer has overpaid him by £2000.
He decides not to tell anybody and keeps quiet.
At the end of the following month when he opens the cheque, he sees that he's been underpaid by £2000.
Fuming, he goes to have it out with his employer. "Sir, I think you've made a mistake on my cheque."
"And how do you figure that?" his employer asks.
"It seems I've been underpaid by £2000."
"So?"
"No disrespect Sir, but I want my money."
"Last month I overpaid you by £2000 and you didn't complain so why now?"
"Well Sir, thing is I don't mind if you make a mistake once but if it becomes a habit I have to say something."

 

[moreluck]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

 

[moreluck]

My friend called me in hysterics. "I just saw a mouse in my kitchen!" she yelled. "I'm so grossed out! It's so disgusting!"

"What are you going to do?" I asked.

"I'm not sure. But you can bet I'll never eat the stuff I drop on the floor anymore."

 

[moreluck]

Success
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

 

[moreluck]

Is there a 'spin doctor' in the house ??

Acquired taste - A food writer described this as "something people only ever say about foods that are horrible".

Ahead of its time - A book-publishing euphemism for "It bombed".

Courtesy call - An unsolicited phone call from a telemarketer.

Fixer upper - A real estate term for a property that might more accurately be described as a "tearer-downer."

Friendly reminder - Urgent warning.

Learning opportunity - A mistake.

Robust exchange of views - A shouting match.

Zero tasking - An impressive-sounding business term to use instead of admitting that you're doing absolutely nothing.

 

[moreluck]

West Virginia Crazy Law

• If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

• Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

• No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

• Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

• It is illegal to snooze on a train.

• According to the state constitution, it is unlawful for anyone to own a red or a black flag.

• When a railroad passes within 1 mile of a community of 100 or more people in it, they must build a station and stop there regularly to pick up and drop off passengers.

• Whistling underwater is prohibited.

• 
  Alderson

• One may not walk a lion, tiger or leopard, even on a leash.

• 
  Nicholas County

• No member of the clergy is allowed to tell jokes or humorous stories from the pulpit during a church service.

• 
  Huntington

• Firemen may not whistle or flirt at any woman passing a firehouse.

• It is legal to beat your wife so long as it is done in public on Sunday, on the courthouse steps.

 

[moreluck]

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming knowledgeable about the Bible.
But one day, she surprised her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

 

[moreluck]

Deep Thoughts

1. Nothing stinks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

3. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

4. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

5. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

6. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

7. Was learning to write in cursive really necessary?

8. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

9. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

10. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front.. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

11. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

12. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

13. Bad decisions make good stories.

14. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

15. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't want to have to restart my collection.

16. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring, but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

17. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste
.
18. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

19. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.