Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A Kansas Farm Story:
Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising home along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it,but couldn't. The aged cow was struck and killed. Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened and pay them for the cow. She stayed in the car making phone calls. About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smilinghappily, smeared with lipstick. "What happened to you?," asked Hillary. "Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me." "What did you tell them?" asked Hillary. The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it."

 

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Bribe...

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.
"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."
Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.
"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."
The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"

 

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Last summer Ed met a woman while on vacation and fell head over heels in love with her. On the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how they would continue the relationship.
"It's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his lady friend. "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's a problem, you'd better say so now."
"Well, if we're being honest with each other, here goes," she replied. "I'm a hooker."
"I see," Ed replied, and was quiet for a moment. Then he added, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

 

[moreluck]

A man went to visit a friend of his who worked for the zoo, tending to the elephants.
But found him crying.
When asked what happened the friend replied that the largest bull elephant had died earlier that morning.
"I'm sorry I didn't know you were so close to the elephant"
"I'm not - I have to bury it."

 

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Will power...

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door.

"KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"

Husband: "Guess who?"

Wife: "I know who it is!"

Husband: "Guess what I want?"

Wife: "I know what you want!"

Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

 

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Tom was in his early 50s, retired and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was five, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker and real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day he called Tom into his office for a talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic. You do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is quite bothersome."
"Yes, I know boss and I am working on it."
"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?"
"They said, 'Good morning, General.'"

 

[moreluck]

A maid is being fired for shoddy work. When her employer has finished talking the maid
takes 5 pounds out of her purse and gives it to her.
What's this for?? asks her former employer.
Its for your dog.? Replies the maid. He's been helping me clean the dishes for weeks!

 

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Old friends...

Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.
"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.
"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.
"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

 

[moreluck]

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years. Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After a dramatic pause and precisely six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. Not even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.
First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"
He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart."
Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

 

[moreluck]

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

 

[moreluck]

Superbowl Tickets....

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.
Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?"
The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"
"No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."

 

[moreluck]

Dear Editor,

I have two brothers, one works at Microsoft, the other was sentenced to death in the gas chamber. My mother died of insanity when I was three years old, my two sisters are prostitutes and my father sells drugs.

Recently, I met a girl who was released from a reformatory where she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love this girl very much and want to marry her.

My problem is this:

Shall I tell her about my brother who works at Microsoft?

 

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Two elderly friends, Jack and Tom, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Jack didn't show up. Tom didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.
But after Jack hadn't shown up for a week or so, Tom got worried. Unfortunately he didn't know where Jack lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
After a month passed, Tom figured he had seen the last of Jack, but one day, Tom approached the park and -- lo and behold there sat Jack ! Tom, excited and happy, said how glad he was to see him, then blurted out, "For crying out loud, what on earth happened to you?"
"I've been in jail," Jack said, with some embarrassment.
"Jail?" cried Tom. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Jack said, "you know Marilyn, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Tom, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
"And you were convicted of rape?" asked Tom, stunned.
Jack replied, "No, the judge gave me thirty days for perjury."

 

[moreluck]

A Husband took the wife to a disco on the weekend. There was an extremely well dressed, physically fit, good looking guy on the dance floor. He was waltzing, fox-trotting, calipsoing, break dancing, moon walking, doing back flips, smiling and having a great time.
The wife turned to her husband, who isn't much of a dancer, and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."
Husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

 

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An American, a Vietnamese, a Mexican, a Brazilian, a Canadian, a German, a Turk, and a Russian walk into a fancy restaurant. When they got to the front desk, they were kicked out because they did not have a Thai.

 

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The only cow in a small Russian village stopped giving milk, so the villagers went to Minsk and bought a new one. The cow produced lots of milk, and the people were so happy, they decided to buy a bull to mate with the cow and produce more cows like it.

But the cow wanted nothing to do with the bull, constantly moving away every time the bull approached. So the people asked their rabbi what to do.

After some reflection, the rabbi asked, "Did you buy this cow from Minsk?

"You are truly wise", said the townspeople. "How did you know?"

The rabbi answered sadly, "Because my wife is from Minsk."

(John Landis's favorite joke)

 

[moreluck]

Mans guide to what a woman is really saying

: I JUST NEED SOME SPACE. .... without you in it.
DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS? We haven't had a fight in a while.
NO, PIZZA'S FINE. .... you cheap slob!
I JUST DON'T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW. I just don't want you as a boyfriend now.
I DON'T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO? I can't believe you have nothing planned.
COME HERE. My puppy does this, too.
I LIKE YOU, BUT... I don't like you.
YOU NEVER LISTEN. You never listen.
I'LL BE READY IN A MINUTE. I'm ready, but I'm going to make you wait because I know you will.
OH, NO, I'LL PAY FOR MYSELF. I'm just being nice; there's no way I'm going dutch.
OH YES!!! RIGHT THERE!! Well, near there; I just want to get this over with.
I'M JUST GOING OUT WITH THE GIRLS. We're gonna make fun of you and your friends.

 

[moreluck]

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."