Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. "Ye gads, matey," says Morty, "What happened to ya?"

Sol says, "Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.

"And yer hand?" asks Marty.

"When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook."

"OK, but what's with the eye patch?"

"I was standin' on a dock and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye."

"But you don't go blind from no seagull poop."

"True" says Sol. "But it was me first day with the hook."

 

[moreluck]

Two friends are talking in a bar. One says to the other, "My mother-in-law died yesterday. She sat in the chair, laid back, closed her eyes, and that was it."
"That's the best way to go," replied his friend.

"Yeah, it is," said the first. "But the dentist pooped himself."

 

[moreluck]

Cat Vision What a human sees: A Beauteful sandy beach
what a cat sees: The worlds largest litter box.

WHAT A HUMAN SEES: A new couch
WHAT A CAT SEES: A new scraching post.

What a human sees: a new Pet fish
What a cat sees: A Tasty snack.

 

[moreluck]

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Isreal..."

 

[moreluck]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

[moreluck]

There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US ForestService were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers forcontrolling the coyote population. It seems that after years of theranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping thepredator, the tree-huggers had a "more humane" solution. What theyproposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the male castrated andlet loose again and the population would be controlled.
This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower'sAssociation by the Sierra Club and the USFS. All of the ranchers thoughtabout this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back andsaid, "Son, I don't think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain't friend*ckin' our sheep, they're eatin' 'em.

 

[moreluck]

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."
But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Sergeants....

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we's privates," protests Jasper. "We's sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we's privates," says Jasper.

"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We's sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.

"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we's sergeants now!"

 

[moreluck]

First Thing to do after Jail ....

Bad Bernie was in prison for seven years. The day he got out, his wife and son were there to pick him up. He came through the gates and got into the car.

The only thing he said was, "friend.friend."

His wife turned to him and answered, "E.friend."

Out on the highway, he said, "friend.friend."

She responded simply, "E.friend."

He repeated, "friend.friend."

She again replied, "E.friend."

"Mom! Dad!" their son yelled. "What's going on?"

Bad Bernie answered, "Your mother wants to eat first!"

 

[moreluck]

After much urging by his wife, Uncle Joe applied for work on a farm. The foreman decided to give him a try and told him to milk a cow, equipping him with a stool and a bucket.
An hour later Uncle Joe returned dirty and sweaty, the bucket in one hand and the broken stool in the other.
"Extracting the milk was easy," he explained. "The worst part was getting the cow to sit on the stool!"

 

[moreluck]

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Señor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona."
The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, "I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King of Beers,’ a Budweiser."
The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, "I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke."
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?"
The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I."

 

[moreluck]

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.
He called them into his shop and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."
He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were on their way.
About a month later the little lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly.
"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

 

[moreluck]

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning and when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!

Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.

All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies and have sex with hookers while I work so hard to pay our bills.

Since our daughter went away to college and then got married, he doesn't even pretend to like me, and hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed: CluelessDear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States!

 

[moreluck]

A woman from Chicago attended a party in New York where the hostess was determined to make her mid-west guest feel cheap and unimportant.
"My dear," said the New York matron snobbishly, "here in the east we think breeding is everything."
"Oh I don't know." said the Chicago woman. "Where I come from we think it's fun, too, but we try to have a few outside interests as well."

 

[moreluck]

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: "All 40 accounted for."

"But I only have 36 sheep," says the farmer.

"I know," says the sheepdog. "But I rounded them up."

 

[moreluck]

George had responded to a call from his lawyer, insisting that they meet at once. He arrived at his lawyer's firm, and was ushered into his office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer asked.
"Well, if those are my choices, I guess I'll take the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" George was stunned. "If you call that bad, I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."

 

[moreluck]

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".
Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.
"Johnatahan," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."
"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains...."

 

[moreluck]

For a holiday, Mulvaney decided to go to Switzerland to fulfill a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under his chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said Mulvaney. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it!"

 

[moreluck]

A hillbilly family's only son saves up money to go to college. After about three years, he comes back home. They are sitting around the dinner table, when the dad says, ''Well son, you done gone to college, so you must be perty smart. Why don't you speak some math fer' us?''''Ok, Pa.'' The son then says, ''Pi R squared.''After a moment, the dad says, ''Why son, they ain't teached ya nothin'! Pie are round, cornbread are square.''