Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

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Really Stupid People .....

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

 

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Mrs. Jones was reading a letter at breakfast. Suddenly she looked up suspiciously at her husband.
"Henry," she said, "I've just received a letter from mother saying she isn't accepting our invitation to come and stay, as we do not appear to want her. What does she mean by that? I told you to write and say that she was to come at her own convenience. You did write, didn't you?"
"Er, yes, I did," said the husband. "But I, I couldn't spell 'convenience,' so I made it 'risk.'"

 

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A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"
One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the Garden of Eden?"

 

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There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy who worked construction together. They were working on top of a building one day, and it was lunch time. The Irish man opens his lunch pail and he sees he has cabbage and beef, and he says, 'If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says, 'if I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building!'
The blond man opens his lunch pail and gets a bologna sandwich. He says, 'if I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabbage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the blond guy opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich, so he jumps off to his death as well.
The next day at their funeral the Irish man's wife said, 'If I only knew he was sick of cabbage and beef I would have packed him something else.'
Then the Mexican's wife then said, ''If I only knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else.''
Finally, the blond man's wife said, 'I don't know what his problem was! He packed his own lunch!''

 

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There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

 

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A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course," says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really? Why don't you wear Silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."

 

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Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonald's on Friday night in Iowa?
A: Prom

 

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Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, 'So, who's gonna tell his wife?' They cut cards. Goldberg picks the two of clubs and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.'
Goldberg goes over to the dead man's apartment and knocks on the door. His wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Goldberg declares: 'Your husband just lost $500 in a Poker game and is afraid to come home.
'Tell him to drop dead!' yells the wife.

 

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Catholic, or not, Vocabulary Test
>
> AMEN:
> The only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
>
> BULLETIN:
> Your receipt for attending Mass.
>
> CHOIR:
> A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
>
> HOLY WATER:
> A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
>
> HYMN:
> A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the
> congregation's range.
>
> RECESSIONAL HYMN:
> The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
>
> INCENSE:
> Holy Smoke!
>
> JESUITS:
> An order of priests known for their ability to find colleges with good basketball teams.

> JONAH:
> The original 'Jaws' story.

> JUSTICE:
> When kids have kids of their own.
>
> KYRIE ELEISON:
> The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
> (For you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy.)
>
> MAGI:
> The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
>
> MANGER:
> Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn't covered by an HMO.
> (The Bible's way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.)
>
> PEW:
> A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
>
> PROCESSION:
> The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers,
> the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
>
> RECESSIONAL:
> The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying
> to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
>
> RELICS:
> People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit,
> kneel, and stand.

> TEN COMMANDMENTS:
> The most important Top Ten list not given by David Letterman.
>
> USHERS:
> The only people in the parish who don't know the seating capacity of a pew.
>
> LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT THE CHURCHES IN LAS VEGAS:
>
> There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the
> offertory, some worshipers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash.

> Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win.

Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash. And he, of course, is known as The Chip Monk.

 

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When stopped by a police officer many are unsure of how to begin a conversation and so just sit there feeling foolish waiting for the officer to initiate the conversation. To avoid this embarrassing situation we offer the following icebreakers that will stimulate a lively intercourse with the public servant.

1. My gun is bigger than your gun.
2. Give me a ten second head start and I bet you won't be able to catch me again.
3. You don't want to test my breath, do you?
4. You can't look in my trunk without a search warrant. Can you?
5. Can your breathalyzer detect Marijuana?
6. Well, it isn't the blue fairy of the highway.
7. I hope you aren't going to check for warrants.
8. You're the third cop who pulled me over today.
9. Hey buddy, Do you know John and Ponch?
10. Just put it on my tab

 

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New United Airline Motto’s:

“Drag and Drop”

“We put the hospital in hospitality”

“Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”

“Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”

“We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”

“Not enough seating, prepare for a beating”

“We treat you like we treat your luggage”

“We beat the customer. Not the competition”

“And you thought leg room was an issue”

“Where voluntary is mandatory”

“Fight or flight. We decide”

“Now offering one free carry off”

“Beating random customers since 2017”

“If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”

“A bloody good airline”

Or... Maybe I'm just old enough to remember when the skies were friendly
and flying was enjoyable and something you looked forward to doing.

 

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Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus’ time?
A: Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord

 

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A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,"Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now, 'Mother of six?'"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of four."

 

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Reasons Why Fishing Is Better Than Sex...

** You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines..
** It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
** The Ten Commandments don't say anything about Fishing.
** If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
** Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago
** It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
** When you see a really good Fisherperson, you don't have feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
** If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.
** Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
** When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
** You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for harassment.
** There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
** If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don't have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
** Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life
** Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
** Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?"

 

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Good news and bad news....
A doctor enters into a patient's room and informs the patient that he has good news and bad news. He then asks the patient which news he would like to hear.
The patient responds, "Doctor, give me the good news."
The doctor says, "Well we are gonna name a disease after you

 

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An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"

 

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A Woman gets naked in front of her husband and asks: "What turns you on the most, my pretty face, my voluptuous bust or my sexy butt???
He briefly looks her up and down and replies: "Your sense of humor."

 

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A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing led to another and they make love.
After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"