Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Kids think the craziest things:

...if you swing too high on the swings, you would poke a hole in the sky with your foot.

...babies do the backstroke in the mother's stomach. I suspect my mom tried to explain amniotic fluid, and I pictured it like a tiny swimming pool.

...the only tongue was the one in my mouth. So when my mom was teaching me to tie my shoes and she told me to "pull my tongue out", I started crying.

 

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The three-year-old insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It's taken us only 2 hours and ten minutes, and apparently pants go in the fridge now.

 

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As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.

 

[moreluck]

The number of parking tickets that piled up on the windshield of a car in Fort Lauderdale before anyone noticed that the driver was still inside - dead. The 62-year-old man had passed away from natural causes at least 3 days before being discovered. A bit of good news: The city dismissed the $160 in parking fines "due to extenuating circumstances."

 

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At the supermarket, I searched high and low for canned peanuts, with no luck. Spotting an elderly clerk stocking shelves, I asked, "Where do you hide the nuts?"
Looking around, she grumbled, "I don't hide them anywhere. They're all over the place."

 

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Steven Wright .....

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, "Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world . . . Perhaps you've seen it.

 

[moreluck]

The New Password
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50f$%kingboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50F$%KINGboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50F$%kingBoiledCabbagesShovedU pYourArseIfYouDon' tGiveMeAccess Now!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER Now PissedOff: 50F$%kingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourA$%&IfYouDontGiveMeAccess Now
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already taken.

 

[moreluck]

An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant. "Did you kill that?" he asked. The pigmy answered: "Yes". "How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?"
"I killed it with my club" replied the pigmy.
"That's amazing," said the explorer. "How big's your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 150 of us"

 

[moreluck]

My daughter was typing up a test for a religion class she teaches. The answer to one question was "Joseph of Arimethea". The computer obviously disagreed and, thanks to spell-check, changed it to "Joseph of Aroma Therapy."

 

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Need an excuse for being late to work? Don't try these - they didn't work the first time.

-"I forgot it Wasn't the weekend."
-"My dad offered to make me a grilled cheese sandwich, and I couldn't say no."
-"I had to watch a soccer game that was being played in Europe."
-"My mother-in-law wouldn't stop talking."

 

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Haven't these people ever been told "Don't bring your job home?"

* I work around horses. I catch myself touching people's backs when I walk behind them so they don't get spooked and kick me.

* As a McDonalds employee, about half the conversations I have with people in my life end in "Is that all today?"

 

[moreluck]

A teacher asks the kids in her 5th grade class: 'What do you want to be when you grow up?'
Little Larry says: 'I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen door in a hurricane.'
The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson
'And how about you, Sarah?'
'I wanna be Larry's whore'

 

[moreluck]

Q: How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
A: Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.

Q: What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
A: Depreciation.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and an accountant?
A: The accountant knows he is boring.

Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two accountants were arguing over a penny.

Q: What's an auditor?
A: Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

 

[moreluck]

 

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Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?"

asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"

asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

 

[moreluck]

What do you call a number that can't keep still?
A roamin' numeral.

 

[moreluck]

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result - all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it.
Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.
Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.
Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.
After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that's the way they've always done it and that's the way it's always been around here.
And that's how company policy begins....

 

[moreluck]

The manager of a grocery store nabbed a shoplifter in the act. He was escorting the suspect to his office, near the cash registers, when the shoplifter tried to run away.
After a brief scuffle the manager was able to wrestle the thief to the floor. He looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.
"Everything's fine, folks," the manager assured them. "This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items."

 

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In the men's room at work, the boss placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "Think!"
The next day, when he went to the men's room, he looked at the sign, and right below it, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read, "Thoap!"

 

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Unexpected cold snaps had destroyed the buds on a man's peach tree for two years in a row. This spring, he was ready. He replanted the sapling in a large box, mounted it on wheels, and put the tree in the garage whenever the temperature dropped.
One warm April day, the man was wheeling the tree out into the yard, and he stopped to give his dog a drink from the garden hose.
A neighbor watched the scene with amusement. "Frank," he finally commented, "you're the only man I know who walks his tree and waters his dog!"