Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

My granddaughter wanted a Cinderella themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.

 

[moreluck]

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it bykilling all those who opposed them.

If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos ... then you probablyhaven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.

Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.

Plagiarism saves time.

If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.

We waste time, so you don't have to.

Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!

Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.

A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.

When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.

Succeed in spite of management.

Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

 

[moreluck]

Two delicate blossoms of Southern femininity, one from Mississippi and the other from Texas, were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion. The Mississippian said, "When my first child was born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me." The Texan lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The lady from Mississippi continued, "When my second child was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."
Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."
Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice?"
The first woman then asked her companion, "What did you husband buy for you when you had your first child?"
The Texas lady replied, "My husband sent me to charm school."
"Charm school!" the first woman cried. "Land sakes, child, what on Earth for?"
The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying, 'who gives a crap,' I learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

 

[moreluck]

A game warden came upon a duck hunter who had bagged 3 ducks and decided to 'enforce the laws pending.' He stopped the hunter, flashed his badge and said, "Looks like you've had a pretty good day. Mind if I inspect your kill?"
The hunter shrugged and handed the ducks to the warden. The warden took one of the ducks, inserted his finger into the duck's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's a Washington state duck. Do you have a Washington state hunting license?"
The hunter pulled out his wallet and calmly showed the warden a Washington state hunting license. The warden took a second duck, inserted his finger in the bird's rectum, pulled it out, sniffed it, and said, "This here's an Idaho duck. Do you have an Idaho state hunting license?"
The hunter, a bit put out, produced an Idaho state hunting license. The warden took a third duck, conducted the same finger test, and said, "This here's an Oregon state duck. Do you have an Oregon state hunting license?"
Once again, only this time more aggravated, the hunter produced the appropriate license. The warden, a little miffed at having struck out, handed the ducks back to the hunter and said, "You've got all of these licenses, just where the hell are you from?"
The hunter dropped his pants, bent over, and said, "You're so smart, YOU tell me!"

 

[moreluck]

A man lies on his deathbed, surrounded by his family: a weeping wife and four children. Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic; but the fourth and youngest is an ugly runt.

"Darling wife," the husband whispers, "assure me that the youngest child really is mine. I want to know the truth before I die, I will forgive you if-"

The wife gently interrupts him. "Yes, my dearest, absolutely, no question, I swear on my mother's grave that you are his father."

The man then dies, happy. The wife mutters under her breath: "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

 

[moreluck]

A small boy is wandering in a hotel, and hearing some noises decides to open a door. He says "Wow, it's dark here!"
You can imagine that there's a man with a woman in bed in that room... The man asks, "What do you want? Here's a pound, leave us alone."
A bit latter, the boy goes back again, opens the door, and says: "Wow, it's dark here!"
"Not you again! Here, take this and go buy yourself something." And the boy goes out with 2 pounds.
The following morning, the boy feels some remorse, and tells what happened to his mother. She says: "That's wrong. You should go to the church, and confess yourself."
So there he goes. Entering the booth, he says: "Wow, it's dark here!".
To which the priest says: "Not you again, are you following me around?"

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, “Do you know her?”

“Yes,” sighs the husband, “She’s my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”

“My God!” says the wife, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long.”

 

[moreluck]

Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day. One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his friend,
"Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."
The next day, when they were driving to rent the boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"
His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."
The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we don't get that same boat today!?!?"

 

[moreluck]

A man arrives at the gates of heaven. St. Peter asks, "Religion?" The man says, "Methodist." St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?" "Baptist." "Go to room 18, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?" "Jewish." "Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8." The man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?" St. Peter tells him, "Well the Catholics are in room 8, and they think they're the only ones here."

 

[moreluck]

A Jewish businessman warned his son against marrying a non-Jew. The son replied, "But she's converting to Judaism." "It doesn't matter," the old man said. "A shiksa will cause problems." The son persisted.After the wedding, the father called the son, who was in business with him, and asked him why he was not at work. "It's Shabbos," the son replied.The father was surprised: "But we always work on Saturday. It's our busiest day.""I won't work anymore on Saturday," the son insisted, "because my wife wants us to go to shul on Shabbos.""See," the father said. "I told you marrying a non-Jew would cause problems."

 

[moreluck]

A young couple met with their pastor to set a date for their wedding. When he asked whether they preferred a contemporary or a traditional service,they opted for the contemporary.
On the big day, a major storm forced the groom to take an alternate route to the church. The streets were flooded, so he rolled up his pants legs to keep his trousers dry.
When he finally reached the church, his best man rushed him into the sanctuary and up to the altar, just as the ceremony was starting.
"Pull down your pants," whispered the pastor.
"Uh, Reverend, I've changed my mind," the groom responded. "I think I would prefer the traditional service."

 

[moreluck]

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"

 

[moreluck]

There were three men traveling together, a priest, a farmer and a lawyer. It was starting to get late and they needed to find a place to sleep. They came across this farm and they asked the farmer there if they could spend the night. He said, "thats fine but my guest room is only big enough for two people, one of you will have to sleep in the barn."
The priest said, "I don't mind sleeping with God's creatures, I will take the barn."
So they all agreed and went to their rooms.
About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the priest. "There is a chicken in there that won't stop clucking! I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."
"That's ok," said the farmer, "I'll sleep in the barn, after all, I'm used to it."
So they all agreed and traded places. About an hour later there was a knock at the guest room door and there stood the farmer. "I can't stand the odor from that cow in there any more. I'm sorry but I'm going to have to sleep in the guest room."
"Well, I guess that leaves me," said the lawyer.
So he went to sleep in the barn. About an hour later there is a knock at the guest room door and there stands the chicken and the cow.

 

[moreluck]

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?' He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy..'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

 

[moreluck]

Coffee with Jesus

A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes"! So, the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant, was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light! He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there? The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly so everyone in the restaurant could hear.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up and began to praise the Lord.

Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, he raised his hands and he, too, began to praise the Lord.

Then, Jesus walked, with a huge smile on his face, towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me...... I'm on disability."

For Those Who Understand, No Explanation is necessary.

For Those Who Do Not Understand, No Explanation is possible.

 

[moreluck]

A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"
He replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

 

[moreluck]

A lady is giving a party for her granddaughter, and has gone all out---caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party starts, two guys show up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for them, the woman tells them that they can get a meal if they will chop some firewood. Gratefully, they head to the rear of the house.
Guests arrive, and all is going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown has not shown up, and finally, the clown calls to report that he is stuck in traffic, and will probably not make the party at all. The woman is very disappointed and unsuccessfully tries to entertain the children herself.
She happens to look out the window and sees one of the guys doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watches in awe as he swings from tree branches, does midair flips, and leaps high in the air. She calls the other guy over and says, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"
"Well...," he responds, "I dunno...let me ask him... HEY WILLIE...FOR $50 WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

 

[moreluck]

Mike Birbiglia: Illiterate People
I shouldnt say bad stuff about illiterate people, though. I should write it.

 

[moreluck]

You just can't win, and here are the reasons why:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're a sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain. If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something. If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself. If you don't, you're not ambitious.