Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you willhave my remains cremated."
"And what," his friend asked, "What do you want me to do with your ashes?"
The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be A Physics Major If...

1. It is sunny and 70 degrees outside, and you are working on a computer.
2. The "fun" center of your brain has deteriorated from lack of use.
3. You are completely addicted to caffeine.
4. You can translate English into Binary.
5. You can't remember what's behind the door in the science building which says "Exit."
6. You chuckle whenever anyone says "centrifugal force."
7. You consider ANY non-science course "easy."
8. You frequently whistle the theme song to "MacGyver."
9. You have a pet named after a scientist.
10. You have no life - and you can PROVE it mathematically.
11. You have to bring a jacket with you, in the middle of summer, because there's a wind-chill factor in the lab.
12. You hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function.
13. You know how to integrate a chicken and can take the derivative of water.
14. You know vector calculus but you can't remember how to do long division.
15. You laugh at jokes about mathematicians.
16. You've actually used every single function on your graphing calculator.
17. You understood more than five of these indicators.

 

[moreluck]

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"

 

[moreluck]

This will leave you laughing and crying, all at the same time.

Who Gives This Woman?
An Arkansas Farmer!!
A video of a father giving his tractor-driving
and tobacco-chewing daughter away in marriage.

www.youtube-nocookie.com/ embed/eqEkPjUbmIA?rel=0

 

[moreluck]

Chris Rock: Natural Causes
When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, its natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, youd got out of the way.

 

[moreluck]

WHAT AISLE IS THE POLISH SAUSAGE IN?


Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'prejudice' these days...............


A customer asked, "In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"


The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"


The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something.


If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?


Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?


Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?


Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?


Or if I asked for some Whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"


The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."


The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Polish sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?"


The clerk replied, "Because you're
in Ace Hardware."

 

[moreluck]

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, thewife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment andsaid, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, someyoung woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

 

[moreluck]

Paul friend. Tompkins: Airline Security Drawings
http://www.jokesoftheday.net/jokes-archive/2010/12/09/Paul-friend-Tompkins-3A-Airline-Security-Drawings.jpg.330.jpg As Im standing there, I see they have a little sign with pictures of things you are not allowed to bring on the plane anymore. And they have, like, little drawings: circle, line through it, No! One of the things you cant bring on the plane anymore is a bomb -- no, no, they had a picture, cant do it. And it was the classic cartoon bomb, like the bowling ball with the little sparky whip coming out of it. And then you might think, Oh, I got a way around that. Uh-uh, not so fast -- they also had a picture of the bundle of dynamite with the clock.

 

[moreluck]

A fellow charged with robbing a sporting-goods store asked a lawyer to defend him.
"I will take your case," the lawyer said, "if you will assure me of two things: that you are innocent, and that you will pay me $1600."
The client thought for a moment, then said, "Will you do it for $400 and a nice set of golf clubs?"

 

[moreluck]

Here's a truly heart-warming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time. Love the ending!!
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.
The young family's 4-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more - or - less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing $10.
The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her $10 "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age.
The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."
"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"
The little girl replied, "I will, if those s at Home Depot ever deliver the friend------g' drywall..."

 

[moreluck]

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him."

 

[moreluck]

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.
"The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. And stay home at night!"
An old granny overheard and spoke up, "Honey, if that's all you want, get a TV!"

 

[moreluck]

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line-up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.
He bent over to pick it up... and all the other bells started to ring.

 

[moreluck]

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"
Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

 

[Whitelexus]

A man walks into a bar, and upon sitting down is promptly told, "This bar is incredible! The bartender serves apples of any flavor, any one that you can think of!" "That's incredible, you can't expect me to believe that." The bartender looks up and says, "It's true, mate. Any flavor." "Okay, do you have coke and rum?" The bartender serves him an apple. "No way.. this tastes like coke!" "Turn it around" Says the bartender. "It tastes like rum!" Exclaimed the man. A second man takes a seat next to the two, hearing the commotion. "Hey, mate, you have to try this! The bartender can serve you any flavor apple that you can think of!" Says the first man. "You can't expect me to believe that!" He replies. "Any flavor." the bartender says. "Okay, get me a gin and tonic." He is handed an apple, and upon taking a bite his face lights up. "It tastes like gin!" "Turn it around" Says the bartender. "It tastes like tonic! I don't believe it!" he exclaims. A third man walks over, hearing the commotion. "What's the fuss about?" he asks. All three men who are already seated pipe up about the apples. "Any flavor, eh? Well... I doubt it. Get me one that tastes like p*!" The bartender, as in the previous cases, hands the man an apple. The man revolts, and nearly throws up. "This tastes like s*!" He shouts.

The bartender replies "Turn it around."

 

[moreluck]

Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it's his wife's birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her.
Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she has never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, 'Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.'
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, 'All that money and they didn't even iron it.

 

[moreluck]

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. While the religious one prayed day in, day out, and was constantly on his knees in communion with his Lord, the atheist never even looked twice at a church. However, the atheist's life was good, he had a well-paying job and a beautiful wife, and his children were healthy and good-natured, whereas the pious man's job was strenuous and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day and his kids wouldn't give him the time of the day.So one day, deep in prayer as usual, the pious man raised his eyes towards heaven and asked: "Oh God, I honor you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbor, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?" And a great voice was heard from above... "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

 

[moreluck]

It’s a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, “Hey, mamacita, let’s do Weeweechu.”
Oh no, not now, let’s look at the moon!” said Rosita.
Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time,” Pedro begged.
“But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.” replied Rosita.
Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.”
Rosita looked at Pedro and said, “OK, one time, we’ll do Weeweechu.”
Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.
“Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year.”