Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Dr. Phil was conducting a therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother he said,"You are so obsessed with eating you've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second mom: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turns to the third mom: "Your obsession is alcohol.This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick, we're leaving."

 

[moreluck]

The Wailing Wall
A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an

apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she

looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So,

the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old

man.

She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you

done that and what are you praying for?" The old man

replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In

the morning I pray for world peace and then for the

brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come

back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from

the earth."


The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come

here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she

asks.


The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a

wall."

 

[moreluck]

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a sheep?
A: A stripey sweater!

Q: How do you know if your cat has eaten a duckling?
A: She's got that down in the mouth look!

Q: What do you get if you cross a cat with a canary?
A: A peeping tom!

Q: Why is the desert lion everyone's favorite at Christmas?
A: Because he has sandy claws!

Q: How does a lion greet the other animals in the field?
A: 'Pleased to eat you.'!

Q: What do you get if you cross a tiger with a snowman?
A: Frostbite!

Q: What is a French cat's favorite pudding?
A: Chocolate mousse!

 

[moreluck]

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.
At Mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock?" - all the men stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?" - all the women stood up.
"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them." - half the women stood up.

"No No" he said "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?" - all the nuns stood up.

 

[moreluck]

After Quasimodo’s death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word throughout Paris that a new bell-ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews in the belfry. Several applicants demonstrated their skills, when a lone, armless ma came in and said he was there to apply for the bell-ringer’s job.The incredulous bishop said, “But you have no arms!”“No matter,” said the man, “Observe!” He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody. The astonished bishop listened and knew he had found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.But suddenly, the armless man tripped, and plunged out the belfry window to his death.When the stunned bishop reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. One of them asked, “Bishop, who was this man?” “I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied, “but this face rings a bell.”Despite the sad event, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell-ringer of Notre Dame. The first applicant said, “Your Excellency, I am the twin brother of the poor, armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.”The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, but as he prepared to ring the bells the man groaned and clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop’s cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. “What has happened?,” the first monk asked breathlessly. “Who is this man?”“I don’t know his name,” sighed the distraught bishop, “but he’s a dead ringer for his brother.”

 

[moreluck]

Madge had been lonely for many years after her husband's death. She decided she wanted to get married again. But, she didn't know any eligible men. So she decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad contained three criteria:
1. The man would not beat her. (like her previous husband)
2. The man would not run around on her. (like her previous husband)
AND 3. The man was good in bed.
The day after the ad ran, Madge's doorbell rang. When she answered the doorbell, she found a man in a wheelchair. She asked the man if she could help him and he said he was there to respond to the ad. Madge asked the man what ad he was talking about. He said the ad for the Husband. Then Madge told him that there were specific needs in the ad. The man in the wheelchair replied:
1. Look at me, I have no arms, so I can't beat you.
2. I have no legs, so I can't run around on you.
Madge replied, "But there was one more important criterion the ad." The man in the wheelchair then asked: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

 

[moreluck]

A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and a woman intended to stock up.
At the store, however, she was disappointed to find only a few skimpy prepackaged portions of the poultry, so she complained to the butcher.
"Don't worry," he said. "I'll pack some more trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish shopping."
Several aisles later, everyone heard the butcher's voice boom over the public-address system, "Will the lady who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at the back of the store."

 

[moreluck]

A fellow goes to a tool store to buy a chainsaw. The dealer sells him the top-of-the-line model, saying that it would cut through 100 trees in one day.
The fellow takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After working for 3 hours he only cut 2 trees. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two trees?" he asks himself.
The next morning he gets up at 4 am and cuts until bedtime, but still only manages to cut five trees.
The very next day the fellow brings the chainsaw back to the store and says the saw doesn't work properly.
"Hmm, it looks okay," says the dealer, and starts the chainsaw.
The fellow jumps back, startled, and cries, "What's that noise?"

 

[moreluck]

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God...



"Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this

beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that

hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create

a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits.

He'll lie,>cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give

you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like

to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but

since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such in a

way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be

witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and

kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also

need your advise to think properly.

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

"What's the catch, Lord?"

"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."

"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring . .

. So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first . .

. So, just remember . . . it's our secret . . . Woman to

woman."

 

[moreluck]

In the restroom...

1. What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. - Men's room, Lynagh's Bar. Lexington, KY.
2. No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her . - Men's room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC.
3. Beauty is only a light switch away. - Perkins Library. Duke University.
4. If life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. - Maggies Pizza, Washington, D.C.
5. Make love, not war. Hell, do both, get married. - Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT.
6. If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. - Revolution Books, NY.
7. A woman's rule of thumb, if it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. - Women's restroom, Dallas, TX.
8. I used to be into necrophilia and bestiality... but then I realized I was just kicking a dead horse. - The Cellar Restaurant, VA.
9. Hey Nike, I just did it! - Tastee Diner, Bethesda, MD

 

[moreluck]

Catholic Definitions.....

Choir: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the congregation to lip-sync.
Holy Water: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY
.
Hymn: A song of praise, usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.

Incense: Holy Smoke!

Jesuits: An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.

Jonah: The original “Jaws” story.

Justice: When your children have kids of their own.

Kyrie Eleison: The only Greek words that most Catholics an recognize besides gyros and baklava.

Magi: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.

Manger:
1- Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO.
2- The Bible’s way of showing us that holiday travel has always been rough.

Pew: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic Churches.

Procession: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass, consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.

Recessional: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass—lead by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.

Relics: People who have been going to Mass for so long that they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.

Ten Commandments: The most important Top Ten list not produced by David Letterman.

Ushers: The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew

 

[moreluck]

The juryman petitioned the court to be excused, declaring: "I owe a man twenty-five dollars that I borrowed, and as he is leaving town today for some years I want to catch him before he gets to the train and pay him the money."
"You are excused," the judge announced in a very cold voice. "I don't want anybody on the jury who can lie like you."

 

[moreluck]

My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market. I went and looked around and couldn't find any.
So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, "These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?"
"The produce guy looked at me and said, "No. You'll have to do that yourself."

 

[moreluck]

Popular Sayings, modified by the Internet....

- Home is where you hang your @


- The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.

- Great groups from little icons grow.

- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

- C: is the root of all directories.

- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

- The modem is the message.

- Too many clicks spoil the browse.

- The geek shall inherit the earth.

- A chat has nine lives.

- Don't byte off more than you can view.

- Fax is stranger than fiction.

- What boots up must come down.

- Windows will never cease.

- In Gates we trust.

- Virtual reality is its own reward.

- Modulation in all things.

- A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

- There's no place like http://www.home.com

- Know what to expect before you connect.

- Oh, what a tangled Web site we weave when first we practice.

- Speed thrills.

 

[moreluck]

Seven New York City bartenders.....

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her,> if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!
Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He's gay.

 

[moreluck]

"Daddy, did you know that girls are smarter than boys?"
"No, I didn’t know that."
"There you go."

 

[moreluck]

I had the toughest time of my life. First, I got angina pectoris and then arteriosclerosis. Just as I was recovering from these, I got tuberculosis, double pneumonia and phthisis.
Then they gave me hypodermics. Appendicitis was followed by tonsillectomy. These gave way to aphasia and hypertrophic cirrhosis. I completely lost my memory for a while. I know I had diabetes and acute ingestion, besides gastritis, rheumatism, lumbago and neuritis...
I don't know how I pulled through it. It was the hardest spelling test I've ever had.

 

[moreluck]

A polish man in bar
A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.


The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."

The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."

"What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!"

"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."

"And why not?" asks the polish guy.

The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."

"I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy.

So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from.

 

[moreluck]

A man has been on Death Row for 8 years and has just lost his last appeal. The execution day arrives, and after the priest has read to him, the hangman escorts him from the cell. They get out of the cell block into the courtyard and the prisoner is down hearted to see its absolutely chucking it down with rain.
"I don't believe this." Says the prisoner "Of all the days to be hung and its pissing hard with rain."
The hangman replies "Well its all right for you, I've got to walk back in it!"

 

[moreluck]

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?
Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.