Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

I was in a small store in a nearby town one evening. Wanting to find out when it opened the next morning, I stopped a teenage staffer on her way out and asked, "What are your hours?"
Her reply: "Right now, six to nine because I'm in school. But next month it will be full time."
-Darlene Query-

 

[moreluck]

"My boyfriend and I had hardly finished one argument when I screwed up and started another one," said Jill.
"How'd you do that?" asked Margaret.
"Well," says Jill, "you know when you're done with a big fight and your significant other suggests a little 'make-up sex'?"
"Yeah," says Margaret.
Jill replies, "I guess it wasn't the right time for me to ask, "Does it have to be with you?'"

 

[moreluck]

A man was shopping in the men's department at Bloomingdale's when he noticed an absolutely beautiful woman behind the sales counter.
He went up to her and said, "Good morning, madam."
She smiled pleasantly and asked, "And what would you like?"
The man said, "I'd like to wrap my arms around you and squeeze you tight. Then run my hand up and down your bottom and squeeze that. Then run my hands along your inner thighs, up underneath your dress. When I get to your sweet womanhood, I'd like to rub that while simultaneously unbuttoning your blouse with my teeth and then suck on your beautiful breasts and bite your nipples lightly... But what I *need* is a new tie!"

 

[moreluck]

You Might Be A College Student If…..

... you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen
.... you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
... you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
... you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
... you get more e-mail than snail mail.
... your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic Cups
... your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
... your trash is overflowing and your bank account isn't.
... you are personally keeping the local pizza place from bankruptcy.
... you wake up 10 minutes before class.
... you get more sleep in class than in your room.

 

[moreluck]

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt - prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked:
"Will I be acquitted?"

 

[moreluck]

Harold and Al were on a small chartered airplane when the pilot suddenly had a heart attack.
"Don't Panic," cried Harold heroically. "I'll land this baby!"
Seizing the controls he headed for the runway at LaGuardia Airport, and began wrestling the diving plane to the ground. Just as the wheels touched the ground, Al screamed, "Red lights!! Right in front of you!"
Immediately Harold threw the engine in reverse and jammed on the breaks, bringing the plane to a violent stop just inches from the edge of the lights.
"Brother!" he puffed, wiping his brow. "That sure was a short runway!"
"Yeah," agreed Al, looking side to side, "but look how WIDE it is."

 

[moreluck]

Worth considering..


I stopped by the Ford Dealership yesterday,

for a look at the new 2019 friend-150 aluminum pickup.

Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted

to sense that new truck "feel" before I get too old.

The salesperson (a nice looking lady wearing

a “RESIST” lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat

next to me, describing the truck and all its

"wonderful" options.


The seats were of particular interest.

She explained that the seats directed warm air

to your butt in the winter and directed cool air

to your butt in the summer heat.


Feeling like messing with her, I mentioned

that this must be a Republican truck.


Looking a bit angry, she asked why I

thought it was a Republican truck


"I explained that if it were a Democrat truck,

the seats would just blow smoke

up your ass year-round!"


I had to walk back to the dealership but it was worth it.

 

[moreluck]

The Perfect Man......
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel and never mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.
The perfect man loves children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
And a good husband to his bride.
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his love to you.
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
and kisses away your pain.
He will never make you cry
or batter you in any way
To hell with this stupid poem
The perfect man is gay.

 

[moreluck]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

 

[moreluck]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speeches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin.
When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "by rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started 'Ladies and Gentlemen'".
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself "I'll go one better than that English bastard", and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.
When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying 'Dear Ladies and Gentlemen'".
On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself "I'll go one further than those mainland bastards", and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.
When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well," he explained, "by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying 'Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure...'"

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number eleven?
A: She didn't know what number came first.

Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.

Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.

Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.

Q: Why did it take the blonde seven days to drive from St. Louis to Chicago?
A: She kept seeing signs that read "stop clean bathroom

 

[moreluck]

A passenger train is creeping along, painfully slowly. Finally, it creaks to a complete halt.
A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.
"What's going on?" she yells out the window.
"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.
Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again.
The woman sees the same conductor walking by again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

 

[moreluck]

A pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his teeth, he talks for only eight minutes. The second Sunday, he talks for only 10 minutes. The following Sunday, he talks for two hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation has to mob him to get him down from the pulpit, and they ask him what happened.
The pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, by mistake he put his wife's teeth in and couldn't stop talking.

 

[moreluck]

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom and gloom pessimist.
Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
"Why are you crying?" the father asked.
"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken," answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"

 

[moreluck]

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.
The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."
Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."
The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"
Jon says, "Well, heck, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

 

[moreluck]

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."
The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"
Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-friend-O-O-R."
Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"
Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-friend-O-R-E."
"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"
Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two be fore."

 

[moreluck]

In 1972, Joe Miller was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Tulsa Junior College .On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed, so Joe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Joe worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to Joe, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Joestood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Joe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Thirty years later, Joe was walking through the Tulsa Zoo with his family. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Joe and his family were standing.The large bull elephant stared at Joe, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down.The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1972, Joe could not help wondering if this was the same elephant...Joe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Joe's legs and slammed him against the railing killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

 

[moreluck]

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an ," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

 

[moreluck]

Household Physics.....

Laws of Household Physics
Ever notice that the laws of household physics are every bit as real as every other law in the universe? Here are a few examples:

1. A child's eagerness to assist in any project varies in inverse proportion to the ability to actually do the work involved.
2. Leftovers always expand to fill all available containers plus one.
3. A newly washed window gathers dirt at double the speed of an unwashed window.
4. The availability of a ballpoint pen is inversely proportional to how badly it is needed.
5. The same clutter that will fill a one-car garage will fill a two-car garage.
6. Three children plus two cookies equals a fight.
7. The potential for disaster is in direct proportion to the number of TV remote controls divided by the number of viewers.
8. The number of doors left open varies inversely with the outdoor temperature.
9. The capacity of any hot water heater is equal to one and one-half sibling showers.
10. What goes up must come down, except for bubble gum, kites and slightly used Rice Krispies.
11. Place two children in a room full of toys and they will both want to play with the same toy.

 

[moreluck]

These are actual comments made on student report cards by teachers in theNew York City public school system... All teachers were reprimanded but, someof these are really funny!

1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has startedto dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails toachieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thingie to holdit all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice aweek.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out1,000,000 others.
12. The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.