Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

The problem with buying something on time is that when its finally paid for, you need a new one.

"Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer." (Ted Williams)

"If you make ends meet, aren't you just going around in circles?"

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Louisiana ...
The Louisiana State Police received reports of illegal cock fights being held in the area around LaFayette, and duly dispatched the infamous Detective Desormeaux to investigate. He reported to his sergeant the next morning. "Dey is tree main groups in dis cock fightin'" he began.

"Good work. Who are they?" the sergeant asked.

Desormeaux replied confidently, "De Aggies, de Cajuns, and de Mafia."

Puzzled, the sergeant asked, "How did you find that out in one night?"

"Well," was the reply, "I went down and done seed dat cock fight. I knowed the Aggies was involved when a duck was entered in the fight."

The sergeant nodded, "I'll buy that. But what about the others?" Desmoreaux intoned knowingly, "Well, I knowed de Cajuns were involved wen summbody bet on de duck."

"Ah," sighed the sergeant, "And how did you deduce the Mafia was involved?"

"De duck won."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"Personally," a father remarked, "I have my doubts about solar energy. My son has spent most of his life on the beach, and he has less energy than anyone I know."

"Don't smoke too much, drink too much, eat too much or work too much. We're all on the road to the grave, but there's no need to be in the passing lane."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Subject: IRS

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with an attorney.
The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no
fulltime employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling.

I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a
demonstration?" The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own
eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars
that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with
Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that
wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and
decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees
again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he
strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other
side, so he pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major
loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his
hands.

"Are you okay?" The auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd
been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he
could come in here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and that you'd
be happy about it.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

A letter to Dr Ruth !​

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"As a child of God, prayer is kind of like calling home everyday."

"Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock."

"Pride is tasteless, colorless and sizeless. Yet it is the hardest thing to swallow". - August B. Black

"Be aware that a halo has to fall only a few inches to be a noose." (Dan McKinnon)

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Do you know the definition of perfect pitch?

When you throw the banjo into the dumpster and it lands right on the accordion

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"Friends are God's way of taking care of us. "

"Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty." (Sicilian Proverb)

"What is intended as a little white lie often ends up as a double feature in Technicolor. "

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

You're so poor................

You can't afford to pay attention.

A guy walked into your house, stepped on a cigarette and your mom yelled, "Who turned off the heat?"

Your parents got married for the rice.

I saw your mom walking down the street with one shoe, I said, "Hey, you lost a shoe." she said, "No, I found one."

You buy an imitation of a fake Rolex.

Burglars bring things to you.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

OOPS !!........

A father, taking his family to dinner, warned his little boy not to take any of the free candies by the cash register. While paying the bill, he noticed a small hand slowly slide toward the bowl of candies. After giving it a slap, he turned to find it was the hand of a petite, elderly lady.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

How Old?

"Cautioning the witness to remember that she was under oath, the lawyer asked, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-nine and some months," she replied.

"How many months?"

"A hundred and ten."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Your Highest Number

A little boy asked his father what was the highest number he had ever counted. Replying that he didn't know, the father asked his son his highest number. It was 973.

"Why did you stop there?"

"Because church was over."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?"



What this country needs is more family trees that will produce more lumber and fewer nuts.

"If you don't control your mind, someone else will." (John Allston)

"Behind every successful woman there is a substantial amount of coffee." ~ Stephanie Piro

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Just a few things to think about........

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it we put a man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Think About it...

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV.?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs.

If Wiley Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"One difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets."

"A consultant is someone who saves his client almost enough to pay his fee."

"People thought my family was Catholic because we had so many kids. We were just a bunch of horny hillbillies."--Dolly Parton


"Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

In Church ...

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.

When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"

And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!"

But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"The Census Bureau reported that Las Vegas is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. Of course, there's a huge difference between Vegas and Washington. See, in Las Vegas, people gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno

Things turn out best for people who make the best of the way things turn out.

"When someone hands you a flier, it's like they're saying, 'Here, you throw this away.'

"Everyone is kneaded out of the same dough but not baked in the same oven." (Yiddish Proverb)

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

As seen on T-Shirts..........

I came, I cast, I kicked bass.

My inner child thinks you're a big poopy face.

First the good news - I made bail....

You see 3 branches of government. I see firewood.

Things you say are called "opinions". Things I say are called "facts".

Everyone has the right to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege.

Let's hope intelligent life exists in space. I'm so lonely here.

Shut up voices or I'll poke you with a Q-Tip again.

Witches are good spellers.

Germaphobes need love too....just wash your hands first.

It's better to have loved & lost than to live with the psycho the rest of your life.

Most of the people who drive me nuts are in my family.

Karma means "you owe me big time".

A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands.