Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"Treat your friends as you do your pictures, and place them in their best light."

"Fight prime time, read a book."

A schoolchild struggled through a test on which he had to write opposites, until he got to the word "woe." His eyes lit up as he confidently wrote, "giddyap."

If you have only one smile in you, give it to the people you love. Don't be surly at home, then go out in the street and start grinning "Good morning" at total strangers.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Just a brain teaser......

What 1970 movie directed by Robert Altman was less profitable than the theme song of the movie where the lyrics were written by his son, Mike Altman?

 

[Leftinbuilding]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

Wealth is relative. You never have enough money if there is something you can't afford to buy.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." (Mark Twain)

"Doubt is often the beginning of wisdom." (Dr. M. Scott Peck)

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Laughs for You.......

Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are
enough.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been giving
me lately!

No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: "CHECKOUT TIME IS
18"

"If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead
rabbits on the highway?"

Why do we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss
America?"

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and
lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling
well?

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong
nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point
involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage
disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years ... then we met.

Home is where you can say anything you like 'cause nobody listens to
you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

Sign in pet store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get
elected.

Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while
driving.

Did you hear about the nurse that died and went straight to HELL!
She was there 2 weeks before she realized she wasn't at work!

One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure its worth watching!

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

NORTH & SOUTH.....

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes. The South has 'mater samwiches.

The North has coffee houses. The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services. The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives. The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names. The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy. The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has an ambulance. The South has an amalance.

The North has Cream of Wheat. The South has grits.

The North has green salads. The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters. The South has crawdads.

AND REMEMBER: If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call them biscuits.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

It's amazing how you can come back from a two-week vacation and find six-weeks' worth of work on your desk.

"Show me somebody who is always smiling, always cheerful, always optimistic, and I will show you somebody who hasn't the faintest idea what the heck is really going on." (Mike Royko)

A filibuster is a long speech about nothing by an authority on the subject.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Canada

On the sixth day, God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, "Today I am going to create a land called Canada.

"It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, and beautiful sparkly lakes teeming with carp and trout. There shall be forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs overlooking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."

God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so that the inhabitants prosper, and I shall call these inhabitants Canadians. They shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth."

"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"

"Not really," God replied. "Just wait and see the neighbors I am going to give them."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

GOOD MORNING,
WELCOME TO THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA.

Press "1" for English.
Press "2" to disconnect until you have learned to speak English

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

There were no guesses on yesterday's brain teaser. The answer is M*A*S*H and the song is Suicide is Painless.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

The diet doctor told me that I can't have ice cream for dessert anymore, so now I have it as an appetizer.

"I would imagine if you understood Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy"

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has overcome while trying to succeed."
- Booker T. Washington-

"Nobody who ever gave his best regretted it."
- George Halas-

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Bumper Stickers ...


God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her ...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
"More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. All generalizations are false, including this one.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please." (Mark Twain)

"A happy home is more that a roof over your head. It's a foundation under your feet."

Baseball: Twelve minutes of excitement crammed into two and a half hours.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Good Southern Wisdom .....

Don't name a pig, chicken or cow you plan to eat.

Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Keep skunks, insurance salesmen, lawyers, and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.

A bumble bee is faster than a John Deere tractor.

Trouble with a milk cow is, she won't stay milked.

Don't skinny dip in the cow pond with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

Meanness doesn't happen overnight.

To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.

Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.

Teachers, bankers, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their minds.

Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.

Two can live as cheap as one if one don't eat.

Don't chase anything meaner than yourself into a corner.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, that is assuming that you want to catch flies.

Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers or weeds.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

You can't unsay a cruel statement.

Every path has some puddles.

Never wallow in the pigpen with the pigs. You'll just get dirty, and the pigs don't like it.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about never happens anyway.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

OLD IS WONDERFUL...Let Us Take Note ...

that it is the old apple trees that are decked with the loveliest blossoms,

that it is the ancient redwoods that rise to majestic heights,

that it is the old violins that produce the richest tones,

that it is the oldest wine that tastes the sweetest,

that it is the ancient coins, old stamps and antique furniture that many eagerly seek,

that it is when the day is old and far spent

that it displays the beauteous colors of sunset,

that it is when the year is old and has run its course

that mother nature transforms the world into a fairyland of snow,

that old friends are the dearest and it's the old people who have been loved by God for a long, long time.

Thank God for the blessings of old age, its faith, it's love, it's hope,it's patience, it's wisdom, it's experience, it's maturity.

When all is said and done, Old Is Wonderful!

~ Sr. M. Gemma Brunke

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

In the small, family-owned electronics store in Spokane, Wash., where I work, we often get folks from out of town whose idioms are a little different from our own. One day, after parking her car across the street in an attended lot, a young woman came in. She made her purchase and then asked, "Do you give validation?" Without batting an eye, my manager replied, "You are an excellent person, and I love your hair."

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

You Might Be a Redneck if....

You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.

You've ever worn shorts and a T-shirt to a funeral home.

You ever had to remove a toothpick from your mouth to take wedding pictures.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Mr or Ms Right'

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You mow your lawn and find a car.

 

[moreluck]

Re: Good Quotes Part Deux

"He's the kind of friend who will always be there when he needs you." --Adam Christing

"You wouldn't be intelligent enough to understand anything that I would be stupid enough to tell you anyways." --Bill Merrill

"I think of life as a good book. The further you get into it, the more it begins to make sense." (Harold S. Kushner)

"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows." (Dwight D. Eisenhower)

"If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers." (Doug Larson)

 

[moreluck]

Re: Heard any good ones?

Old age, I decided, is a gift.

I am now,

probably for the first time in my life,

the person I have always wanted to be.

Oh, not my body!

I sometimes despair over my body ...

the wrinkles,

the baggy eyes,

and the sagging butt.

And often I am taken aback by that old person

that lives in my mirror,

but I don't agonize over those things for long.



I would never trade my amazing friends,

my wonderful life,

my loving family

for less gray hair or a flatter belly.

As I've aged,

I've become more kind to myself,

and less critical of myself.

I've become my own friend.

I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie,

or for not making my bed,

or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need,

but looks so avant-garde on my patio.

I am entitled to overeat,

to be messy,

to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends

leave this world too soon;

before they understood the great freedom

that comes with aging.

Whose business is it

if I choose to read

or play on the computer until 4 a.m.,

and sleep until noon?

I will dance with myself

to those wonderful tunes of the 60's,

and if I,

at the same time,

wish to weep over a lost love...

I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit

that is stretched over a bulging body,

and will dive into the waves

with abandon if I choose to,

despite the pitying glances

from the bikini set.

They, too, will get old.




I know I am sometimes forgetful.

But there again,

some of life is just as well forgotten ...

and I eventually remember

the important things.




Sure,

over the years,

my heart has been broken.

How can your heart not break

when you lose a loved one,

or when a child suffers,

or even when a beloved pet

gets hit by a car?



But broken hearts are what give us

strength

and understanding

and compassion.

A heart never broken is

pristine

and sterile

and will never know the joy

of being imperfect.

I am so blessed

to have lived long enough

to have my hair turn gray,

and to have my youthful laughs

be forever etched

into deep grooves on my face.

So many have never laughed,

and so many have died

before their hair could turn silver.

I can say "no", and mean it.

I can say "yes", and mean it.




As you get older,

it is easier to be positive.

You care less about what other people think.

I don't question myself anymore.

I've even earned the right to be wrong.



So,

to answer your question,

I like being old.

It has set me free.

I like the person I have become.

I am not going to live forever,

but while I am still here,

I will not waste time

lamenting what could have been,

or worrying about what will be.

And I shall eat dessert every single day.