One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.

 

[moreluck]

Man: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
Bystander: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
Man: Oh, please forgive me, sir. I had no idea you were her father.
Bystander: I'm not. I'm her mother.

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

“When the goose hit Dracula like a feather duster it was soon down for the Count.”

 

[moreluck]

Little Johnny and the teacher...

Teacher: Johnny, give me a sentence starting with "I".
Little Johnny: I is...
Teacher: No, Little Johnny. Always say "I am."
Little Johnny: All right. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

 

[moreluck]

Al Gore And Leonardo DiCaprio...….
What's the difference between Al Gore and Leonardo DiCaprio?
One of them, due to circumstances beyond his control, was dragged down with the wreckage.
The other one is just an actor.

 

[moreluck]

“The dermatologist loved to cook. He made everything from scratch.”

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?

A: They can't remember the number.


Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?

A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.


Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: "What's a lightbulb?"

 

[moreluck]

"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays. The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."

Wife's Response: "Who the hell is Paula?"

 

[moreluck]

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"


By Adam Sandler

 

[moreluck]

Don’t you hate that awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents?!

 

[moreluck]

“Morticians have to be careful to spell the name right to avoid making a grave mistake.”

 

[Whitelexus]

Don’t you hate that awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents?!

And the same handwriting!

 

[moreluck]

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?
A Holly Davidson!

What says Oh Oh Oh?
Santa walking backwards!

 

[moreluck]

What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?
A rebel without a Claus.

 

[moreluck]

What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an apple?
A pineapple!

• What do crackers, fruitcake and nuts remind me of?
  You!

• Why don’t penguins fly?
  Because they’re not tall enough to be pilots!

 

[moreluck]

I once bought my kid a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying.
“Toys not included.”



I tell my kids that Santa is fat because he eats the children who get up early on Christmas morning.
That way, I get to sleep in.

 

[moreluck]

There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

 

[moreluck]

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. She responded, ''Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces.''