One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

• If Cain and Able were Siamese twins, would they be Cable?

• Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

• The best vitamin for a Christian is B1.

• "I've taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me, send money.

• Warning notice at a seminary swimming pool: First-year students are only allowed to walk on the shallow end.

• "If absence makes the heart grow fonder, said a minister, a lot of folks must love our church.

 

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Eliot Chang: Politically Correct Friend
He actually said this to me; hes like, Hey man, you got to be careful. Theres a lot of women that have an Asian fetish. Well, what do you mean? Theyll have sex with you just cause youre Asian. Arent you offended? Uh, Ill be offended after my orgasm.

 

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Why are frogs always so happy? They eat what ever bugs them

 

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Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."

 

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John: "My grandpa is 98 years old, and he doesn't even use glasses."
Jack: "Wow, that is incredible!"
John: "Yep, he drinks straight from the bottle."

 

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Q. Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?

A. No, they had an apple!

 

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ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY STATISTICS
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking mein the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

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A thief was arrested for breaking into a Toys "R" Us store and stealing a board game...
He got Life.

 

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“A cosmetics company had to recall its vanishing cream when many of the women using it were reported missing.”

 

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Not expecting to do well on the economics exam, Bill was heartened by the first question: In any given year, and to the nearest ton, how much wheat did the United States export?
Smiling confidently, he wrote, "In 1492, none."

 

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A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp. He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.
The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"
The kid answered, "Did you ever have a mother?

 

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"Darling," a husband whispered to his wife late one night, "if I died, would you get married again?"
"I suppose so," she replied.
"Would you sleep in the same bed with him?" he asked.
"Well, it's the only bed in the house, so I have no choice," she replied.
"Would you make love to him?" he asked.
"Honey," the woman said patiently, "of course I would. He would be my husband."
"Would you give him my car?" he asked.
"No," she yawned. "He can't drive a stick shift."

 

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Teacher to the class: "How can we keep our school clean?"
Student: "By staying at home?"

 

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Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'
Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'

 

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Most people will say, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
An engineer will say, "If it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

 

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A salesman was assigned to secure an important client but failed in his mission.
He faxed his secretary and asked her to break the news indirectly to his boss. His note read, "Failed in securing client, prepare the boss."
He received the following fax from his secretary:
"The boss is prepared ... prepare yourself."

 

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Two college girls looking at their car's flat tire.
"I don't understand?"
"What?"
"How come the bottom part of the tire always gets a flat?"
"Good question!"

 

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When she got flowers from her husband on Valentine's Day, my daughter quickly opened the card. All it said was, "No."
What did that mean? She called her husband and asked him.
"I didn't attach any message. The florist asked if I had a message and I said, 'No'."

 

[moreluck]

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family...
... in another city!

 

[Covemastah]