One liners, short jokes, funny sayings, puns, etal

[moreluck]

An old guy was working out in the gym when he spotted a sweet young thing.
He asked the trainer that was near by, "What machine in here should I use to impress that sweet thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "I think you should try the ATM in the lobby."

 

[moreluck]

My son and his wife stopped by Sunday unannounced to visit.
I wouldn't answer the door but I did hold up my new medicine container and pointed to the instructions.
Instructions read: 'Take one tablet before bedtime and Keep away from children.

 

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Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

She got stuck in a trap, chewed off three of her legs and was still stuck.

 

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Advil helps me edit my essays. I B proofin'.

 

[moreluck]

Bumper Stickers:

Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself."

"I'm out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?"

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "
"MY CHILD was trustee of the month at ELMWOOD!!"

BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

 

[moreluck]

Little Johnny was caught swearing by his teacher.
"Johnny," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear such talk, anyway?"
"My daddy said it," he responded.
"Well, that doesn't matter," explained the teacher. "You don't even know what it means."
"I do, too!" Little Johnny retorted. "It means the car won't start."

 

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A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along, when all of a sudden, a cat attacked them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away.
"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?"

 

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A sales clerk asked his boss how to handle people who complained about the current prices compared to the low prices in the good old days.
"Just act surprised and tell them you didn't think that they were old enough to remember them."

 

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A man asks his friend for a cigarette. His friend says, "I think you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking."
The man says, "I am in the process of quitting. Right now, I am in the middle of phase one."
"What's phase one?"
"I've quit buying."

 

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My friend Kimberly announced that she had started a diet to lose some pounds she had put on recently.
“Good!” I exclaimed. “I’m ready to start a diet too. We can be dieting buddies and help each other out. When I feel the urge to drive out and get a burger and fries, I’ll call you first.”
“Great!” she replied. “I’ll ride with you.”

 

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A Blonde lady called the airline booking agent to ask how long a flight was from Los Angeles to New York?
The busy agent replied, 'Just a moment.'
The Blonde replied, 'Thank you,' and then hung up.

 

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A bank clerk is talking with her colleague. 'I think now-a-days my beauty has been decreasing.'
'Why do you think that?' asked the colleague.
'The men who are withdrawing cash at my counter are actually counting their money.'

 

[moreluck]

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"
The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."

 

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Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love."
"Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

 

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A Union President was sitting at his son's bedside getting ready to read him a bedtime story.
He starts out, 'Once upon a time and a half...'

 

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Give your canine a leg up in our dog-eat-dog world by naming him or her after someone famous:

*Kareem Abdul-Jabbark
*Droolius Caesar
*Woofgang Mozart
*Sarah Jessica Barker
*Jimmy Chew

 

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When I was a sophomore, a girl asked me how to spell 'orange'. I spelled it for her, and she said, "No, not the fruit. The color."

 

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Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."
They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.
"I'm so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.
"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second.
"OK," said the first.
So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat came up and gobbled them up.
As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...
"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

 

[moreluck]

An employment interviewer for a big company in London was talking to an attractive young woman applying for a job.
Looking over the application form, the interviewer noticed that the girl had not answered one important question concerning transportation to and from work, as she lived outside the city.
"What about your bus line?" the interviewer asked her.
"I don't believe I mentioned it," came the pleased reply, "but it's a 36C."