An engineering approach to 'eggs in a basket'
Overview
The "egg in a basket" is a fickle creature, which when given the proper amount of attention and care can produce a foodstuff of such quality that it has been compared to spiritual experiences in India.[SUP](citation needed)[/SUP] The basic premise is simple: place the fertilized embryonic vessel of a hen (hereafter referred to as an "egg") into a properly crafted mold (hereafter referred to as a "basket"), the latter of which is generally derived from wheat, or other grain product (hereafter referred to as "bread"). With the application of sufficient heat, the zygote will undergo a phase transition, during which it will form a loose bond with the basket it was placed in; oral consumption and intense satisfaction generally follows.
Rationale
The author tentatively proposes that (albeit, through original research) eggs in a basket are, in fact, one of the most under appreciated nutritional items in the world today; there is a time and a place for cold pizza, warm chicken, and the ever popular "liquid lunch" (the scope of which is outside this document), but the egg in a basket is right for any time of the day. Additionally, one cannot overestimate the profound importance of having some culinary skills after a (presumably, feverish) night of reproductive engagement - for oneself, or their partner(s).
Despite the obvious validity of the previous paragraph, however, the quality of eggs in a basket varies by such a wide margin that a single, international standard is required. This document attempts to address this fundamental culinary problem; furthermore, the author humbly suggests the codification of the aforementioned standards by ISO and similar organizations. Despite the lack of relevance to their body of work, a copy will also be submitted to the IETF, such that it may be reviewed and published as an RFC.
Thermodynamic preparation
To ensure consistency, one must properly prepare the heat source and pan together - specifically, the heat source and pan should be allowed to achieve thermodynamic equilibrium before any cooking is attempted. Failure to follow this initial rule will catastrophically snowball into one or several of the following scenarios: burnt toast, soggy egg syndrome, illness, embarassment in front of sexual partner, or universal heat death.
Basket weaving
To properly prepare the basket, one must first find the exact center of the prospective basket. From there, one will make a mark equal to 1/3 of the height directly above and below the center point; similarly, one will also make a mark equal to 1/3 the width directly to the left and right of the center point. One should now have four points, of approximately equal distance (depending on the rectangular quality of the bread being used) from the center of the basket. From here, one has two choices, each of which will be explored; regardless of the method employed, however, it will be assumed that in the end, one will have a piece of bread with a hole in it.
The hard, best way
The preferred method is to locate a drafting compass, attach a sharp blade, and, after converting the distances to an angular equivalent, carve a perfect circle out from the center of the bread; the 4 points mentioned earlier will only serve as a redundant guide to guard against possible user error.
The easy, worst way
If a drafting compass cannot be located, or the user feels like shortchanging the storied history and legacy of the egg in a basket, one can also attempt a "best effort" approach, by using a sharp utensil to connect the 4 previously established marks in what can only be assumed will be an imperfect circle.
You're butter off this way
With the heat source and pan in equilibrium, and the basket fully prepared, the next step can be attempted. Depending on the size of the pan, the exact thickness of the butter slice required will vary proportionately; however, in practice, a butter wafer of precisely 0.79375mm (or 1/32nd of an inch) has been found to be adequate. Obtain such a butter slice, place it in the pan, and deftly swish the pan until it is buttered equally in all locations.
Place the basket in the pan
Place the basket in the pan. Listen for the accompanying sizzle, which will indicate the ignition of the Maillard reaction - this is colloquially known as "browning" or "toasting".
Onions
Extolling the virtues of onion preparation is a topic far too in-depth and important for this particular document; suffice it to say, then, that one will slice and dice onions to their preferred consistency. Place such onion pieces into the basket; in layman's terms: the bread is in the pan, with a hole in the middle - put the onions in the hole.
Populate the basket
After exactly 45 seconds, the egg must be punctured, with the albumen ("egg white") and vitellus ("egg yolk") landing in the basket, on top of the onions. Immediately afterwards, the yolk must be poked (with the "pointy device") so it will begin to intermingle with the egg white and onions; this is a crucial step, as it ensures a perfect consistency of onion, white, and yolk. Once this ideal balance has been achieved, the Sriracha must be placed into the basket as well; a healthy stir goes a long way here.
Once the basket has been populated, one must wait for a sufficient amount of coagulation to occur, that the populated basket can freely slide around the pan, without any resistance; once this has been achieved, it is possible to flip the basket - but we don't want to, just yet. Before the basket is flipped, one must periodically (approximately 30 seconds from the authors experience) peak at the side of the basket that is in contact with the heating medium (or "underside", if you prefer), to ascertain if the Maillard reaction has achieved the desired result. That is to say, is the bread toasted to your preference.
The John Kerry
The basket must now be flipped over; or, as the author prefers to call it, the "flip-flop". Attempting such a maneuver is difficult at first, but after several dozen tries, experience becomes the best teacher. Lifting up the pan, stepping away from the heat source, and after looking around for stray canines that are waiting for a mistake, one must lift the pan swiftly and sharply, such that the kinetic energy propels the basket into the air (ideally about 15.24 to 20.32cm, or 6 to 8 inches), rotates 180 degrees, and lands in the pan without the basket spraying everywhere like an unruly feline.
The John Kerry is a difficult move to learn, and perhaps impossible to master; the author would be lying if they implied they were perfect at it. However, it cannot be stressed enough that this is the only way to properly flip a basket; using a utensil of some kind, and manually flipping the basket, is unacceptable, will reduce the quality of the egg in a basket, and will sully the users culinary legacy. For a visual demonstration, one might refer to the Hollywood film 'V for Vendetta', where the protagonist demonstrates the deftness we should all aspire to when flipping our eggs in a basket - although he clearly violates the height given in this document.
Wait
Wait for the other side to toast. Depending on personal preference, one might want to poke at the egg yolk with the Pointy Device to encourage it to coagulate further.
Final Preparation
When the entire basket has been cooked to the desired consistency, it should be placed onto a dish of suitable size. Consumption, satisfaction, and vigorous celebration of this timeless dish will swiftly commence.
Afterthoughts
The author recommends ketchup on the finished product, as well.
