You obviously never served during wartime. If the military suggests you dont look at the remains its because it isn't fully there or so mutilated its unrecognizable. I would think most family members of a wartime servicemember would understand that.
Before I went overseas I told my wife if the Marines say dont look in the casket, dont look in the casket and believe Im dead. If you run over an IED, there's a good chance you're coming home in bags. Unless another guy gets out a shover, some parts will be missing. Not something your love ones need to see. But it is something that goes along with war. The military isnt holding bake sales over there.
Dont look at the remains means your love one is in pieces. Is it was it is.