MrFedEx
Engorged Member
Dear Valued Teammembers,
I'd like to start by thanking so many of you for being stupid for so long. I couldn't have taken so much away from you if you hadn't been willing participants in your own demise. I'm thinking way back to the FEPAC days, where we actually asked employees to contribute money to a campaign that allowed me to keep the RLA in place, Lots of you were dumb enough to give me money, which is kind of like digging your own grave and then volunteering to shoot yourself in the head with a bullet that you paid-for.
To me, employees are like retreaded tires. The basic casing is good for only so many times, and then it's no longer suitable for rebuilding. Time for the trash heap...just like you. With DRA, I'll be able to start recruiting people who never could have survived the old FedEx...just like my Ground drivers. No brains required, just a pulse and a willingness to work as directed. Maximum profit for me and a non-career courier who will put up with my crap for a couple of years at $14 per hour and then leave. Perfection!!
I'm going to wait until after Valentine's Day to drop the Buyout Bomb on you, but I've already begun wholesale warfare on the workforce with my new insurance plans, end of swing premiums, and elimination of Heavyweight drivers. The way I see it, a ton of you will be displaced, and since there won't be any decent jobs available, I can get rid of even more of you...at no cost to me. You see, we haven't announced the parameters of the buyout on purpose, mainly because I still have a need for most of you. There are just a few more miles left on that last retread, and I'll run you until you're bald with thread showing if I possibly can. Buyouts?? You are dreaming.
As a Job Creator, I'm trying really hard to use the 35% Corporate Tax Rate as a rationale for slashing your benefits and reducing hours. Never mind that I pay way less than that, but that isn't going to stop me from forcing that brown fellow in the White House to drop it to 15 or 20 percent. That way, I'll have even higher record profits. Don't pay attention to the fact that the jobs I create aren't very good ones, but any job is better than no job at all, right?
You see, all of you are so damned lucky to even have a job, especially at a Forbes Top 100 employer like FedEx. Steve Forbes couldn't get laid if his life depended on it and well, you know...Uncle Fred sent Steve some lovin' along with my 7 figure check to make sure we made his list. We also set-up a fake station every year and send the Forbes reporters there to be wined and dined and lied to for a couple of days. We "staff" the station with hand-selected managers and ass-kissers, and then they just lie like a rug when they ask us questions about the quality of worklife at FedEx. We wouldn't want them talking to actual employees now, would we? I've seen the mid-year SFA's, and it seems like many of you are finally getting smart enough to know the way your Uncle Fred really operates. I've seen scores in the 30's and 40's, and I could care less. All that means is that my plan is working and that the managers are really turning the screws hard. it gives me major wood just thinking about it.
Finally, Matt Thornton did such a great job during Peak 2012 that I've rewarded him with not only a new personal jet, but a hefty raise in salary too. You don't see talent like MT3 very often, and I'm thinking of sending Dave off to manage FedEx Office so he can fail at that and I can kick his ass to the curb...just like Ken May. Every once in awhile, Dave shows a touch of humanity and some feeble concern for the employees, just like May and that weakling Barksdale. God, I'm glad I got rid of his ass...always trying to tell me that it actually makes a difference when you treat employees with respect. Well, kiss my ring Mr. Barksdale...I think I've proven myself to be an even bigger A-hole than you imagined I already was. I'm number1!! I'm number 1!!
With Love,
Frederick "Weasel" Smith
I'd like to start by thanking so many of you for being stupid for so long. I couldn't have taken so much away from you if you hadn't been willing participants in your own demise. I'm thinking way back to the FEPAC days, where we actually asked employees to contribute money to a campaign that allowed me to keep the RLA in place, Lots of you were dumb enough to give me money, which is kind of like digging your own grave and then volunteering to shoot yourself in the head with a bullet that you paid-for.
To me, employees are like retreaded tires. The basic casing is good for only so many times, and then it's no longer suitable for rebuilding. Time for the trash heap...just like you. With DRA, I'll be able to start recruiting people who never could have survived the old FedEx...just like my Ground drivers. No brains required, just a pulse and a willingness to work as directed. Maximum profit for me and a non-career courier who will put up with my crap for a couple of years at $14 per hour and then leave. Perfection!!
I'm going to wait until after Valentine's Day to drop the Buyout Bomb on you, but I've already begun wholesale warfare on the workforce with my new insurance plans, end of swing premiums, and elimination of Heavyweight drivers. The way I see it, a ton of you will be displaced, and since there won't be any decent jobs available, I can get rid of even more of you...at no cost to me. You see, we haven't announced the parameters of the buyout on purpose, mainly because I still have a need for most of you. There are just a few more miles left on that last retread, and I'll run you until you're bald with thread showing if I possibly can. Buyouts?? You are dreaming.
As a Job Creator, I'm trying really hard to use the 35% Corporate Tax Rate as a rationale for slashing your benefits and reducing hours. Never mind that I pay way less than that, but that isn't going to stop me from forcing that brown fellow in the White House to drop it to 15 or 20 percent. That way, I'll have even higher record profits. Don't pay attention to the fact that the jobs I create aren't very good ones, but any job is better than no job at all, right?
You see, all of you are so damned lucky to even have a job, especially at a Forbes Top 100 employer like FedEx. Steve Forbes couldn't get laid if his life depended on it and well, you know...Uncle Fred sent Steve some lovin' along with my 7 figure check to make sure we made his list. We also set-up a fake station every year and send the Forbes reporters there to be wined and dined and lied to for a couple of days. We "staff" the station with hand-selected managers and ass-kissers, and then they just lie like a rug when they ask us questions about the quality of worklife at FedEx. We wouldn't want them talking to actual employees now, would we? I've seen the mid-year SFA's, and it seems like many of you are finally getting smart enough to know the way your Uncle Fred really operates. I've seen scores in the 30's and 40's, and I could care less. All that means is that my plan is working and that the managers are really turning the screws hard. it gives me major wood just thinking about it.
Finally, Matt Thornton did such a great job during Peak 2012 that I've rewarded him with not only a new personal jet, but a hefty raise in salary too. You don't see talent like MT3 very often, and I'm thinking of sending Dave off to manage FedEx Office so he can fail at that and I can kick his ass to the curb...just like Ken May. Every once in awhile, Dave shows a touch of humanity and some feeble concern for the employees, just like May and that weakling Barksdale. God, I'm glad I got rid of his ass...always trying to tell me that it actually makes a difference when you treat employees with respect. Well, kiss my ring Mr. Barksdale...I think I've proven myself to be an even bigger A-hole than you imagined I already was. I'm number1!! I'm number 1!!
With Love,
Frederick "Weasel" Smith
