Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[traveler]

A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English. So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts,
"Tree."

The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts,
"Rock."

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?


The chief replied, "My bike."

 

[traveler]

Muslim Heaven, June 13, 2006

Al Qaeda leader "Abu Musab al-Zarqawi", killed by US Forces in Iraq last week, has just met with the first of his 72 virgins that Allah promised !!

Daily News reporter Jack Hoff captured THIS exclusive photo of Mr. al-Zarqawi with his first virgin.

 

[moreluck]

A priest put up a signboard outside his church saying, "I pray for all."

A lawyer passing by wrote underneath, "I plead for all."

"I prescribe for all," scribbled a doctor.

"And I pay for all!" added a citizen.

 

[moreluck]

Murphy's Laws for Parents​

• The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.
  
• Leakproof thermoses--will.
  
• The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
  
• The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.
  
• The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.
  
• Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.
  
• The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look. [By definition]
  
• Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.
  
• Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.
  
• Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

 

[moreluck]

RANDOM ACTS of THINKING, 2006

My weight problem is hereditary. It was passed down from my mouth to my stomach.

If Pinocchio got a haircut, would it be a whittle off the top?

Why do we make our kids wear 8 different types of protective gear to go skating but we won't put seat belts on a school bus?

My wife and I grow closer every year. Well, our stomachs do, anyway.

Forget smoking vs. non-smoking, what restaurants *really* need now is a "no cell phone section."

 

[moreluck]

Salesmanship ...

My buddy applied for a job as an insurance salesman. Where the form requested "prior experience," he wrote "lifeguard." That was it. Nothing else.

"We're looking for someone who can not only sell insurance, but who can sell himself as well," said the hiring manager. "How does working as a lifeguard pertain to salesmanship?"

My friend replied, "I couldn't swim."

He got the job.

 

[moreluck]

MATH....1950 - 2006

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl
took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my
pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3
pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she
hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to
her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?

Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
$20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels
feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

6. Teaching Math In 2006

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la
producciones es $80.

 

[moreluck]

The D.A. ....

The DA stared at the jury, unable to believe its verdict. Bitterly he asked, "What possible excuse could you have for acquitting this man?"

The foreman answered, "Insanity."

The attorney said, "All twelve of you?"

 

[moreluck]

At dawn the telephone rings. "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the
caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot died.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird." "What did he
die from?"

"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Si Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"


"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."
"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of
a candle??!!!

"Si Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?

"Your wife's, Senor Rod..She showed up one night out of the blue and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike
Driver."

SILENCE................... , LONG SILENCE...

"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****!"

 

[moreluck]

On Halloween, I've been known to hand out games, pens, pads of paper or gift certificates instead of candy. Last year, noticing a runny nose on one of my trick-or-treaters, I offered a tissue to the child. Just as she was reaching for it and thanking me, another group appeared on the scene. One of the newcomers exclaimed, "Oh, no, she's giving out Kleenex this year!"

 

[moreluck]

Volunteer?

A town in Germany was having trouble recruiting volunteers for its fire department. However, whenever there was a fire, dozens of citizens came out to watch. The mayor ordered police to make a list of all male spectators at each fire. Each man whose name appeared three times on the list were automatically drafted as a volunteer fireman.

 

[moreluck]

Advice For The Cerebally Challenged

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to switch tracks, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead. RAPPERS: Avoid having to say "know what I'm sayin'" all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.
DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog poos in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.
WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.
SOLDIERS: Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
MURDERERS: Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.
CRIMINALS: When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at a 90-degree angle, wrapped in a baby mattress, in case they set one of their dogs on you.
EMPLOYERS: Avoid time-consuming job interviews by immediately tossing 90 percent of the applicants' CVs into the bin.
MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.
GAMBLERS: For a new gambling opportunity, try sending a £50 note to yourself by Royal Mail.
BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.
BLIND PEOPLE: Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.
GRATED cheddar cheese from the supermarket can be squashed tightly together with the fingers to produce a block of cheese, ready for slicing or grating.
ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.
DRIVERS: If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house while you're asleep by simply moving everything into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.
CAR THIEVES: Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables are usually hidden in the glove box or under a seat.
DEPRESSED people: Instead of attempting suicide as a "cry for help", simply shout "Help!", thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.
MOTORISTS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the ocean.
SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.
SINGLE men: Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.
BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.
ALCOHOLICS: Don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.
McDONALD'S: Make your brown carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

 

[aspenleaf]

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the **** out of him."

 

[aspenleaf]

What a great little trip down memory lane. The one thing theyf orgot was our "wings" - fixing your hair by spraying hairspray at the same time you used the blow dryer - we were so hot. You Know You Grew Up In The 80's or Early 90's If:

1. You've ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE.

2. You watched the Pound Puppies.

3. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton

4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy.

5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.

6. You owned those lil' Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls.

7. You know that "WOAH" comes from Joey on Blossom

8. Two words: Hammer Pants

9. If you ever watched "Fraggle Rock"

10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars... and spokey-dokes or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect

11. You can sing the entire theme song to "Duck Tales" (Woo ooh!)

12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons.

13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head.

14. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the bigscreen. and still know the turtles names.

15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school.

16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side.

17. You played the game "MASH"(Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)

18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it.

19. L.A. Gear....need I say more?

20. You wanted to change your name to "JEM" in Kindergarten. (She's Truly Outrageous.)

21. You remember reading Tales of a fourth grade nothing and all The Ramona books.

22. You know the profound meaning of "WAX ON, WAX OFF"

23. You wanted to be a Goonie.

24. You ever wore fluorescent clothing. (some of us...head-to-toe)

25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted.

26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf.

27. You took lunch boxes to school... and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard.

28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets.

29. You still get the urge to say "NOT" after every sentence.

30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts.

31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band.

32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.

33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.

34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly-Shoes.

35. After you saw Pee-Wee's Big Adventure you kept saying "I know you are, but what am I?"

36. You remember "I've fallen and I can't get up"

37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.

38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.

39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.

40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.

41. You've gone through this nodding your head in agreement.

42. You remember Popples.

43. Don't worry, be happy

44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.

45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do...getting yelled at by younger hip members of the family)

46. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.

47. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.

48. You know what it meant to say "Care Bear Stare!!"

49. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and & My Little Pony Tales

50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot.

51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac.

52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool...and don't even flinch when people refer to them as "NKOTB"

53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on "Saved By The Bell," The ORIGINAL class.

54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - SHOT THROUGH THE HEART.

55. You just sang those words to yourself.

56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird.

57. Homemade Levi shorts. (the shorter the better)

58. You remember when mullets were cool!

59. You had a mullet!

 

[DS]

A lady gives birth to twins and gives them up for adoption at birth.One went to a family in Egypt and they named him Ahmal.The second child went to a family in Spain and they named him Juan.One day the birth mother recieved a photo of Juan in the mail and she was touched.She said to her husband that it would be nice to also have one of the other son in Egypt.Her husband says dont be silly dear,they are twins,and
~if you`ve seen Juan,you`ve seen Ahmal~

 

[DS]

Two kids lay beside each other in the hospital outside the operating room.
First kid says to the other,what are you in for?
Second kid says, I`m getting my tonsils out and I`m a bit scared.
First kid says aw,dont sweat it,I had mine out when I was four,thet put you right out,and when you wake up its all jell-o and ice cream.
Second kid says what about you,first kid says I`m getting circumcised.
Second kid says well good luck to you buddy,I was circumcised the day I was born,
and I couldn`t walk for a year.

 

[moreluck]

Keenagers.....

Keenagers are people...Just like you and me,

Though they may be older...And squint some just to see.

They may have gray hair...Or perhaps none at all,

They may have trouble hearing...And they're no longer quite as tall.

They may pause when they're thinking...And lose their teeth when they talk

And they move a lot slower...'Cause it hurts when they walk.

But their talents will amaze you...Their stories will make you smile

You'll see they're filled with wisdom...If you listen to them awhile.

So find yourself a Keenager...And spend time with them,

You'll learn about life's secrets...And have a brand new best friend.

 

[moreluck]

Do you know the best way for a guy to impress a girl at the gym?

Do pull-ups........ pull up in a Porche, pull up in a BMW, pull up in a Corvette...

 

[moreluck]

Wal-Mart vs. Heaven

I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers. Literally, here are the similitude's I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.

Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates.
Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors.

Heaven: Eternal.
Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours.

Heaven: Where old people go when they expire.
Wal-Mart: Where old people go when they retire.

Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God.
Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone

Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God
Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on candy aisle.

Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin
Wal-Mart: Full money refund no matter whatyour complaint

Heaven: Every Do-gooder lives peacefully
Wal-Mart: Every day low prices

Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!
Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!

 

[moreluck]

IMPORTANCE OF DRINKING ENOUGH WATER:

1. 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated.

2. In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.

3. Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.

4. One glass of water shut down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of dieters who took part in a U-Washington study.

5. Lack of water is the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.

6. Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.

7. A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen.

8. Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.