Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
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moreluck
golden ticket member
Where the "R's" Are
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost "r's" migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
The quantity of consonants in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks" his "cah," the lost "r's" migrate southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl wells."
moreluck
golden ticket member
MURPHY'S LAWS for MOVING
No matter how many boxes you have, you will always need one more.
The more your friends promise to help, the more likely it is they will have something come up the day you move.
Whatever you need is at the bottom of the box you taped shut ten minutes ago.
Now that you are moving and no longer need it, you will find the item you spent two years looking for.
The tape, the scissors, the markers, and the screwdriver are all familiar with the rules to Hide-And-Seek.
You will never break something cheap that you never liked anyway ... only family heirlooms get broken during a move.
No matter how large the new place is, it will not have enough room once you begin to move in.
If you stay up all night packing for the movers, they will be late.
No matter how many boxes you have, you will always need one more.
The more your friends promise to help, the more likely it is they will have something come up the day you move.
Whatever you need is at the bottom of the box you taped shut ten minutes ago.
Now that you are moving and no longer need it, you will find the item you spent two years looking for.
The tape, the scissors, the markers, and the screwdriver are all familiar with the rules to Hide-And-Seek.
You will never break something cheap that you never liked anyway ... only family heirlooms get broken during a move.
No matter how large the new place is, it will not have enough room once you begin to move in.
If you stay up all night packing for the movers, they will be late.
moreluck
golden ticket member
WHY WORRY ??
In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die. If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell. If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you’ll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won’t have time to worry.
In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die. If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell. If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you’ll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won’t have time to worry.
moreluck
golden ticket member
You May Be in a Country Church if...
• Prayers about the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
• The pastor is wearing boots.
• High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.
• There is at least one pledge of two calves in the annual stewardship drive.
• The minister never has to buy any meat or vegetables.
• When it rains, everyone is smiling.
• The church directory doesn’t need last names.
• Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
• Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
• Prayers about the weather are a standard part of every worship service.
• The pastor is wearing boots.
• High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.
• There is at least one pledge of two calves in the annual stewardship drive.
• The minister never has to buy any meat or vegetables.
• When it rains, everyone is smiling.
• The church directory doesn’t need last names.
• Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.
• Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Inner Peace.....
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr.Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace
I am passing this on to you because it definitely works, and we could all use a little more calmness in our lives. By following simple advice heard on the Dr Phil show, you too can find inner peace. Dr.Phil proclaimed, "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started and never finished."
So, I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Bailey's Irish Cream, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of my old Prozac prescription, the rest of the cheesecake, some Doritos and a box of chocolates. You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
Please pass this on to those you feel might be in need of inner peace
moreluck
golden ticket member
What's the difference between women at the ages 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 and 58?
8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed.
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story.
8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed.
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story.
moreluck
golden ticket member
The Bastard...
GIRL: Father, I have sinned a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD. PRIEST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well Father, he kissed me.
PRIEST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes, Father.
PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But Father, he put his hand in my bra.
PRIEST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes, Father.
PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But Father, he took my cloths off.
PRIEST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes, Father.
PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But Father, he had sex with me!
PRIEST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes, Father.
PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But Father he told me he has AIDS.
PRIEST:THE BASTARD
GIRL: Father, I have sinned a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD. PRIEST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so what did he do to deserve that?
GIRL: Well Father, he kissed me.
PRIEST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes, Father.
PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But Father, he put his hand in my bra.
PRIEST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes, Father.
PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But Father, he took my cloths off.
PRIEST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes, Father.
PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But Father, he had sex with me!
PRIEST: You mean like this?
GIRL: Yes, Father.
PRIEST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.
GIRL: But Father he told me he has AIDS.
PRIEST:THE BASTARD
moreluck
golden ticket member
Just checking ......
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the
angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is
bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a
second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and
sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God
and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving,
but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good,
because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help
them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally
behavior that was going on. So he called one of His angels and sent the
angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, "Yes, it is
bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.
God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down a
second angel to get another opinion." So God called another angel and
sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God
and said, "Yes, it's true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving,
but 5% are being good."
God was not pleased. So He decided to e-mail the 5% that were good,
because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help
them keep going.
Do you know what the e-mail said?
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either.
moreluck
golden ticket member
RULES FOR DRIVING IN NEW YORK CITY:
* Keep to the right on a one-way street.
* Take the first parking space you see. There won't be another.
* Don't get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
* Always look both ways when running a red light.
* Never signal a lane change. It only give other drivers a chance to speed up and not let you in.
* Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
* Keep to the right on a one-way street.
* Take the first parking space you see. There won't be another.
* Don't get in the way of a car that needs extensive bodywork.
* Always look both ways when running a red light.
* Never signal a lane change. It only give other drivers a chance to speed up and not let you in.
* Making eye contact revokes your right of way.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Choices
There was an old man living in an assisted living center. At 10 pm on a Saturday night there was a knock on his door. The man opened the door to find a gorgeous 22 year old blonde wearing nothing but a black see through negligee. He asked the girl "what can I do for you". The blond looked to him very seductively and said "I am here to offer you super sex". The man stood there for a minute and looked her up and down and said "I'll try the soup."
There was an old man living in an assisted living center. At 10 pm on a Saturday night there was a knock on his door. The man opened the door to find a gorgeous 22 year old blonde wearing nothing but a black see through negligee. He asked the girl "what can I do for you". The blond looked to him very seductively and said "I am here to offer you super sex". The man stood there for a minute and looked her up and down and said "I'll try the soup."
moreluck
golden ticket member
BROOM SUPERSTITIONS
Do not lean a broom against a bed. The evil spirits in the broom will cast a spell on the bed.
If you sweep trash out the door after dark, it will bring a stranger to visit.
If someone is sweeping the floor and sweeps over your feet, you'll never get married.
Never take a broom along when you move. Throw it out and buy a new one.
To prevent an unwelcome guest from returning, sweep out the room they stayed in immediately after they leave.
Do not lean a broom against a bed. The evil spirits in the broom will cast a spell on the bed.
If you sweep trash out the door after dark, it will bring a stranger to visit.
If someone is sweeping the floor and sweeps over your feet, you'll never get married.
Never take a broom along when you move. Throw it out and buy a new one.
To prevent an unwelcome guest from returning, sweep out the room they stayed in immediately after they leave.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Grandma
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide- eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like:
"We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide- eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Oh my !
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Bill, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog. The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
A man was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane stopped in Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind. The man had noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his seeing eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of him throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Bill, we're in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
Picture this: All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a seeing eye dog. The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
moreluck
golden ticket member
American Way of Robbery
True Stories of Some of the Dumbest Crooks on Earth:
Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a
cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of
their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the
machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared,
they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached
to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a
bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it
was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him
be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and
demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him
the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up
at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,
the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a
"handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate
his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics
was found in the golf bag.
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for
Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-
old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2
years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600
in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he
provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
True Stories of Some of the Dumbest Crooks on Earth:
Kentucky (where else?): Two men tried to pull the front off a
cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of
their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the
machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared,
they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached
to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With
their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.
South Carolina: A man walked into a local police station, dropped a
bag of cocaine on the counter, informed the desk sergeant that it
was substandard cut, and asked that the person who sold it to him
be arrested immediately.
Indiana: A man walked up to a cashier at a grocery store and
demanded all the money in the register. When the cashier handed him
the loot, he fled--leaving his wallet on the counter.
England: A German "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, shows up
at customs with his golf bag. While making idle chatter about golf,
the customs official realizes that the tourist does not know what a
"handicap" is. The customs official asks the tourist to demonstrate
his swing, which he does--backward! A substantial amount of narcotics
was found in the golf bag.
Arizona: A company called "Guns For Hire" stages gunfights for
Western movies, etc. One day, they received a call from a 47-year-
old woman, who wanted to have her husband killed. She got 4-1/2
years in jail.
Texas: A man convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600
in damages rather than serve a prison sentence. For payment, he
provided the court a check--a *forged* check. He got 10 years.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Kittens
A three-year-old went with his father to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
A three-year-old went with his father to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother that there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens. "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Talking Clock....
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a
big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a
gong.
It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock?
Seriously?"
asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it
work?"
the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He
picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped
back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You
...it's three-fifteen in the morning!"
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his
friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a
big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a
gong.
It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock?
Seriously?"
asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it
work?"
the friend asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He
picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped
back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You
...it's three-fifteen in the morning!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
The Gov't.
During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”
During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars. “That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”
“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”
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