Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

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"Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end." --Jerry Seinfeld

"At 38 years, I finally got me the woman that said those six words I wanted all my life to hear: 'My dad owns a liquor store.'" --Mark Klein

According to a new medical study, it's healthier for a wife to get angry at her husband than to keep it all inside, which can lead to disease. So guys when the wife runs you over with the SUV, she's just trying to live a healthier lifestyle."

 

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Legal Terminology.......

CRIMINAL JUSTICE: When the accused and his attorney go to jail.

HEARING: What a husband loses after the honeymoon's over.

JURY DUTY: What happens to you if you don't have a job, haven't ever read a newspaper and lie about whether you watch TV.

 

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Enchanted Snake

It was spring in the old west.

The cowboys rode the still snow choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter.

As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror.

Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable.

He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted...

"Oh My God... I was riding the MARE!

 

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The New Language of the White House.........

As you know, the White House has a new team, and a whole new language. George W. Bush brought with him many friends from Texas, and for anyone not born in the Lone Star State, the Texan accent and the cowboy colloquialisms can seem a bit strange. Here is a guide to a few of the more colorful expressions:

The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving. (Not overly- intelligent.)

As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party. (self-explanatory)

Tighter than bark on a tree. (Not very generous)

Big hat, no cattle. (All talk and no action)

We've howdy'd but we ain't shook yet. (Made a brief acquaintance, but not been formally introduced.)

He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow. (He has a pretty high opinion of himself.)

She's got tongue enough for 10 rows of teeth. (That woman can talk.)

Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly. (Appearances can be deceptive.)

This ain't my first rodeo. (I've done been around awhile.)

He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch. (Not the most handsome of men.)

They ate supper before they said Grace. (Living in sin.)

You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits. (You can say whatever you want about something, but that doesn't change what it is.)

 

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Boys Will Be Boys

It was getting quite dark when my neighbor and I returned home from our walk. As we turned onto our street, we saw Jason's two sons playing street soccer. His older boy rolled the ball to his younger brother, who failed to stop it, and it continued to roll in our direction. Jason and I both ran towards the ball. Jason got to it first, gave it a tremendous kick, let out a roar of agony and collapsed to the ground clutching his ankle. I rushed to his aid and discovered that the kids hadn't been playing street soccer. They had been rolling his old bowling ball to each other.

 

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Brokeback Deputies

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you?"

He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"

He said, "Man, that Daryl! shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,

"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long."

 

[moreluck]

A backward poet writes inverse.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.

 

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Bucking Bronco

A city slicker, named Tommy, was on vacation in Texas. His hosts, being very hospitable, invited him to the local rodeo especially to see the greatest bucking bronco of all time, Blue Steel.

Blue Steel was famed and renowned throughout the West for being the toughest meanest horse there ever was. He had seen off so many would-be riders that the rodeo organizers had promised $10,000 for anyone who could ride him just for 10 seconds.

That afternoon, all the local Cowboys tried their best but Blue Steel lived up to his reputation and threw them all off with the greatest of ease.

As a joke, the organizers then offered the prize to anyone in the crowd who would dare to tangle with such a beast.

Up jumped Tommy and of course everyone laughed at him. But the organizers decided to let the city boy have a try.

Blue Steel bucked and lunged but Tommy not only stayed on the horse for 10 seconds but he stayed on for 20 seconds, then 30, then a minute! A few minutes more and Blue Steel was so exhausted he calmed down and Tommy rode him all around the ring like a birthday party pony.

Everyone was astonished.

"Considering you've never even sat on a horse before," said Tommy's friends, "how on earth did you manage that?"

"Easy," said Tommy, "my wife's an epileptic."

 

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Texas Cowboy

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her co-workers she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:

1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.

2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..

3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.

Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The taste is unbelievable!

"And I went to a real rodeo.Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just incredible!"

They then asked, "Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

 

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Q: What do you call a funeral where you smell your own flowers?

A: A wedding!

 

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A Little Superman Trivia

In the 1950s, the "Superman" series was periodically interrupted by Clark Kent (George Reeves) grinning at the camera and telling young viewers that Special K was the most important part of a "Kryptonian" breakfast. Why was Lois Lane not allowed to add her own Earthly endorsement? Viewers, it was feared, might infer that Clark and Lois were sharing breakfast after a "Kryptonian" evening!

 

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The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty.

"Pretty much all the honest truth telling there is in the world is done by children."

"The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for."

 

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Clever Indian.....

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old Indian. Above the old Indian was a sign that read, "$5.00 - If I can't tell you where you're from, I'll pay you $50.00!"

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian and ask, "Is the sign right?"

The Indian says, "yes."

The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!"

The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from Wyoming."

The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned! You're right!" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots. The Indian says, "you're from Montana!"

The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run for the money. He goes into the men's room, takes his boots off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar bill and says, "do your stuff!"

The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on the Indian.The Indian says, "You're from New Zealand!"

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from New Zealand?"

The Indian replies, "by the wool on your zipper. "

 

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Cannibals


Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but don't eat any employees."
The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads "No."

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

 

[moreluck]

Water and Wine Education

WATER......It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Doo Doo.

However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine (or rum, whiskey, beer or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.

WATER = Doo Doo
WINE = HEALTH

Free yourself of Doo Doo, drink WINE!!! It is better to drink wine and talk Doo Doo than to drink water and be full of s---.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service.
Have a nice day...

 

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Trouble at the Airport??

Did you have trouble at the airport this week? I had to throw away all my make-up. They said it's because of this terrorist plot they foiled over in England. I believe it's an elaborate ruse perpetrated by the big cosmetics industry. Maybe it's not terrorism. Maybe it's Maybelline."

 

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Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef........

1 large Roast of beef

1 small Roast of beef

Take the two roasts and put them in the oven. When the little one burns, the big one is done.

 

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Share This Safety Tip

Next time you come home for the night and you go to put your keys away, think of this:

It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation.

Start keeping your car keys next to your bed on the night stand when you go to bed at night. If you think someone is trying to get into your house, or if you hear a noise outside your house, press the panic alarm on your car key chain.

Test it! It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key fob chain. It works if you park in your driveway or garage.

If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break in your house, odds are the burglar,or rapist, won't stick around.....after a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their window to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that. Try yours to make sure it works before you rely on it. Just know that you must press the alarm button again to turn it off.

And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there.....

This is something that should really be shared with everyone. Maybe it could OFFER MORE CONFIDENCE *IN THE DARK * ... or even save a life ...

 

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Confidence?

At a recent software engineering management course in the U.S., the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software, how many of you would disembark immediately?" Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.

When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. "With my team's software," he said, "the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off."

 

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Golf Joke

An Englishman's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to
place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her
lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband
demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to
afford any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her
skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no underwear. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his
pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's $20. Go and buy
yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her
skirt over her head to reveal that she too, is naked under it. "Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers? She too
explains,
"You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any."
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the love 'o Jasus, 'n the sake of decency, here's a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit."