Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
Bumper Stickers
*Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
*Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
* OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
* Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
* I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
* Time is the best teacher, unfortunately it kills all of its students.
* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
* Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Smart Kid
Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her mother was a surgeon and wasn't home because she was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "That sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"I sure do! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't include the anesthesiologist!"
Five-year-old Becky answered the door when the census taker came by. She told the census taker that her mother was a surgeon and wasn't home because she was performing an appendectomy.
"My," said the census taker, "That sure is a big word for such a little girl. Do you know what it means?"
"I sure do! Fifteen-hundred bucks, and that doesn't include the anesthesiologist!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
Tired of It
Four guys are driving cross-country together. Each man is from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida, and New York.
Shortly after the trip begins, the man from Idaho starts pulling potatoes from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Nebraska turns to him and asks, "What the heck are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these things in Idaho, I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The Floridian asks "What are you doing that for?"
The Nebraskan replies, "Man, we have so many of these things in Nebraska I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
Four guys are driving cross-country together. Each man is from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Florida, and New York.
Shortly after the trip begins, the man from Idaho starts pulling potatoes from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Nebraska turns to him and asks, "What the heck are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these things in Idaho, I'm sick of looking at them!"
A few miles down the road, the man from Nebraska begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window.
The Floridian asks "What are you doing that for?"
The Nebraskan replies, "Man, we have so many of these things in Nebraska I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
moreluck
golden ticket member
I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN
- I'm the life of the party... even when it lasts 'till 8pm.
- I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.
- I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I'm going.
- I'm good on a trip for at least an hour without my aspirin, antacid...
- I'm the first one to find the bathroom wherever I go.
- I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.
- I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a word you're saying.
- I'm very good at telling stories...over and over and over and over.
- I'm aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as mine.
- I'm so cared for: long-term care, eye care, private care, dental care.
- I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting, children, politicians...
- I'm positive I did housework correctly before the Internet.
- I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.
- I'm wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, and that's just my left leg.
- I'm having trouble remembering simple words like... uh...
- I'm now spending more time with my pillows than with my mate.
- I'm realizing that aging is not for sissies.
- I'm walking more (to the bathroom) and enjoying it less.
- I'm sure they are making adults much younger these days.
- I'm in the *initial* state of my golden years: SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
- I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how could I be alive at 150?
- I'm anti-everything now: anti-fat, anti-smoke, anti-noise, anti-inflammatory.
- I'm supporting all movements now... by eating bran, prunes and raisins.
- I'm a walking storeroom of facts... I've just lost the key to the storeroom.
- I'm a Senior Citizen and I think I am having the time of my life... Aren't I?
moreluck
golden ticket member
Football
Our assistant pastor, an avid football fan, had to hear confessions on Saturday during an important Nebraska - Notre Dame game.
When one man had finished his confession, the Father asked him, "Are you by any chance going to be around the church for awhile?"
"Yes, Father," answered the man, "I'm painting the church, and I'll be here all afternoon."
"Would you mind, then," the priest asked, "coming back in now and then and keeping me posted on the game?"
"Sure thing."
Later, the priest slid open the confessional grille and heard, "Father my last confession was fifteen minutes ago. Since then I ain't done nothing and neither has Notre Dame."
Our assistant pastor, an avid football fan, had to hear confessions on Saturday during an important Nebraska - Notre Dame game.
When one man had finished his confession, the Father asked him, "Are you by any chance going to be around the church for awhile?"
"Yes, Father," answered the man, "I'm painting the church, and I'll be here all afternoon."
"Would you mind, then," the priest asked, "coming back in now and then and keeping me posted on the game?"
"Sure thing."
Later, the priest slid open the confessional grille and heard, "Father my last confession was fifteen minutes ago. Since then I ain't done nothing and neither has Notre Dame."
moreluck
golden ticket member
moreluck
golden ticket member
Italian Job Applicant
An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Data easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when I start work?
An Italian man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. "Here's your first question," the foreman said. Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Italian says, "Data easy." and he proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree makea nine," says the Italian.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Ere you go."
The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees isa dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100."
The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred."
The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!"
The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, "A little doga came along and crapa by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, when I start work?
moreluck
golden ticket member
Insomnia
A woman went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave her an exam and found nothing physically wrong with her. “Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.” “It’s true,” said the patient, “but my husband refuses to sleep alone.”
A woman went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave her an exam and found nothing physically wrong with her. “Listen,” the doctor said, “if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you need to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.” “It’s true,” said the patient, “but my husband refuses to sleep alone.”
moreluck
golden ticket member
A co-worker and I were pregnant at the same time and often teased each other about gaining weight. After one doctor's visit, I asked my friend how much weight she had gained. "Thirty-five pounds," she proudly stated. "And the doctor says it's all baby."
"You'd better hope not," said a mother of four who had overheard us.
"You'd better hope not," said a mother of four who had overheard us.
moreluck
golden ticket member
"Top 10 Reasons To Celebrate Labor Day"
10. Three day week-end.
9. Kids go back to school soon.
8. Reason for back yard cook-out.
7. No one knows what this holifay is for, anyway.
6. It's telethon time.
5. Made it through the summer.
4. Still time to work on tan.
3. Don't have to buy presents.
2. No firecrackers.
1. Labor Day is NO LABOR!
10. Three day week-end.
9. Kids go back to school soon.
8. Reason for back yard cook-out.
7. No one knows what this holifay is for, anyway.
6. It's telethon time.
5. Made it through the summer.
4. Still time to work on tan.
3. Don't have to buy presents.
2. No firecrackers.
1. Labor Day is NO LABOR!
moreluck
golden ticket member
The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.
Dear Concerned Citizen
Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban
and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The
administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard
loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
you, we are creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In
accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place
one terrorist under your personal care.
Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your
residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is to be cared for
pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him
overcome this character flaw. Perhaps you are correct in describing these
problems as mere cultural differences.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices
from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless you feel that this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views
females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive
subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women
who fail to comply with the dress code that he considers appropriate, but
I'm sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the
bhurka. Just remind them that it is all part of respecting his culture and
his religious beliefs.
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
inform us of the proper way to do our job. Take good care of Ahmed and good
luck!
Cordially,
Don Rumsfeld
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, D.C.
Dear Concerned Citizen
Thank you for your recent letter criticizing our treatment of the Taliban
and Al Qaeda detainees currently held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. The
administration takes these matters seriously, and your opinion was heard
loud and clear here in Washington.
You'll be pleased to learn that, thanks to the concerns of citizens like
you, we are creating the Terrorist Retraining Program, to be called the
"Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers" program, or LARK for short. In
accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to place
one terrorist under your personal care.
Your detainee has been selected and scheduled for transportation to your
residence next Monday. Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is to be cared for
pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of
admonishment. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your
standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly
recommended in your letter.
Although Ahmed is sociopathic and extremely violent, we hope that your
sensitivity to what you described as his "attitudinal problem" will help him
overcome this character flaw. Perhaps you are correct in describing these
problems as mere cultural differences.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and
can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail
clippers. He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices
from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked
up, unless you feel that this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with your wife or daughters since he views
females as a subhuman form of property. This is a particularly sensitive
subject for him. He has been known to show violent tendencies around women
who fail to comply with the dress code that he considers appropriate, but
I'm sure that over time they will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the
bhurka. Just remind them that it is all part of respecting his culture and
his religious beliefs.
Thanks again for your letter. We truly appreciate it when folks like you
inform us of the proper way to do our job. Take good care of Ahmed and good
luck!
Cordially,
Don Rumsfeld
roach
WGASA(Google It):>)
An Honest Mortician
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice...
...So I switched the heads."
A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.
"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!" she says.
"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "It cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice...
...So I switched the heads."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Church
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church
altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say
when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when
he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your
seat
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church
altar with my mother when she took communion.
On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, "What does the priest say
when he gives you the bread?"
Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when
he learned that the priest doesn't say, "Be quiet until you get to your
seat
moreluck
golden ticket member
Essay
"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
"Take a pencil and paper," the teacher said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'"
Everyone but Philip, who leaned back with arms folded, began to write furiously.
"What's the matter," the teacher asked. "Why don't you begin?"
"I'm waiting for my secretary," he replied.
moreluck
golden ticket member
Fornication ?
At a family get together, a young boy of about 8 years of age asks his father, "What does fornication mean?" The dad is freaked out by the question and demands to know, "Where did you hear a word like that?" "From Uncle Charlie," responds the son. Dad charges off to confront his brother. Charlie doesn't have a clue what the problem is and explains that all he said was, "For-an- occasion like Labor Day, you think they would have more beer in the house."
At a family get together, a young boy of about 8 years of age asks his father, "What does fornication mean?" The dad is freaked out by the question and demands to know, "Where did you hear a word like that?" "From Uncle Charlie," responds the son. Dad charges off to confront his brother. Charlie doesn't have a clue what the problem is and explains that all he said was, "For-an- occasion like Labor Day, you think they would have more beer in the house."
moreluck
golden ticket member
TV
My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten it for free when she bought a used console TV for the living room. The original owners said they didn't use the 13" TV much because it would shut off after a while. After checking out the on-screen menu features, I found there was a sleep timer set for 90 minutes!
My sister gave me a 13" TV for my birthday. She had gotten it for free when she bought a used console TV for the living room. The original owners said they didn't use the 13" TV much because it would shut off after a while. After checking out the on-screen menu features, I found there was a sleep timer set for 90 minutes!
moreluck
golden ticket member
A DIETER'S PRAYER......
Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall
Into the clutches of cholesterol.
At polyunsaturates, I'll never mutter,
For the road to Hell is paved with butter.
And cake is cursed and cream is awful
And Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop
And Lucifer is a lollipop.
Teach me the evils of hollandaise,
Of pasta and globs of mayonnaise.
And crisp fried chicken from the South --
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.
~Unknown
Lord, grant me the strength that I may not fall
Into the clutches of cholesterol.
At polyunsaturates, I'll never mutter,
For the road to Hell is paved with butter.
And cake is cursed and cream is awful
And Satan is hiding in every waffle.
Beelzebub is a chocolate drop
And Lucifer is a lollipop.
Teach me the evils of hollandaise,
Of pasta and globs of mayonnaise.
And crisp fried chicken from the South --
Lord, if you love me, shut my mouth.
~Unknown
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