Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Fishing Terms Explained​

• Catch and Release:
  A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.
• Hook:
  A curved piece of metal used to catch fish.
  A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel.
  The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).
• Line:
  Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.
• Lure:
  An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.
• Reel:
  A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.
• Rod:
  An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.
• School:
  A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.
• Tackle:
  What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.
• Tackle Box:
  A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains many sharp objects, so that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than one.
• Test:
  The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range.
  A measure of your creativity in blaming "that darn line" for once again losing the fish.

 

[moreluck]

OK, now I've heard everything....

Yesterday I received an ad from DeNault's Hardware (local small chain of hardware stores.) The sale was for "Onion Goggles" !!
They are regularly $19.99 on sale for $14.97. These are to protect your eyes while peeling & chopping onions.

I started thinking, whatever DID our mothers and grandmothers do without this modern miracle.

Geez, onion goggles???

 

[moreluck]

Alphabet For Life

Accept differences
Be kind
Count your blessings
Dream
Express thanks
friendorgive
Give freely
Harm no one
Imagine
Jettison anger
Keep confidences
Love truly
Master something
Nurture hope
Open your mind
Pack lightly
Quell rumors
Reciprocate
Seek wisdom
Touch hearts
Understand
Value truth
Win graciously
Xeriscape
Yearn for peace
Zealously support a worthy cause

 

[traveler]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer mumbles to himself. Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says, "Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

 

[traveler]

Bob is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work. So, the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." With that said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

"This is powerful medicine, but you can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned, it will not work again for another year."

Bob rushes home, anxious to try out his new powers and prowess. That night, he is ready to surprise his wife. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion and cologne. After he gets into bed and is lying next to her, he says, "123" and suddenly he becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised.

His wife, who had been facing away from him, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition.

 

[traveler]

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!

To anyone with kids of any age, here's some advice.



Bill Gates gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem.
The world will expect you to accomplish something
BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school.
You won't be a vice-president with a car phone - until you earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity.
Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping:
they called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault,
so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.
They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and
listening to you talk about how cool you think you are.
So before you save the rain forest from the parasites
of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers,
but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades
and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer.
This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters.
You don't get summers off and very few employers are
interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF.
Do that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life.
In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

 

[moreluck]

There was once a dromedary whose fur was an amazingly close match in color to the desert sand, and he was almost impossible to see. Some called him 'the invisible dromedary', but in reality he wasn't invisible; he was just really well camel-flaged.

 

[moreluck]

Taxpayer....

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue.

Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.

"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."

 

[moreluck]

Black Death.......

An elderly parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire after the priest's much-loved roses. "Not bad," said the priest, "but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death."

"What on earth is that?" asked the passerby, anxious to increase his garden knowledge.

"Nuns with scissors."

 

[moreluck]

Somebody Said....

Somebody said that a child is carried in its mother's womb for nine months.
..But then that Somebody does not realize that a child is carried in its
mother's heart forever.

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you've
had a baby.
..But then that Somebody does not realize that once you're a mother, normal
is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct.
..But then that Somebody probably never took a three-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring.
..But then that Somebody probably never rode in a car driven by a teenager
with a driver's permit.

Somebody said if you're a "good" mother, your child will "turn out good."
..But then that Somebody probably thinks a child comes with directions and a
guarantee.

Somebody said "good" mothers never raise their voices.
..But then that Somebody probably never came out the back door just in time
to see her child hit a golf ball through the neighbor's kitchen window.

Somebody said you don't need an education to be a mother.
..But then that Somebody probably never helped a fourth grader with his
math.

Somebody said you can't love the fifth child as much as you love the first.
..But then that Somebody probably doesn't have five children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing
questions in the books.
..But then that Somebody probably never had a child stuff beans up his nose.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery.
..But then that Somebody probably never watched her "baby" get on the bus
for the first day of kindergarten.

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied
behind her back.
..But then that Somebody probably never organized seven giggling Brownies to
sell cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married.
..But then that Somebody probably doesn't realize that marriage adds a new
son or daughter-in-law to a mother's heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother's job is done when her last child leaves home.
..But then that Somebody probably never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don't need to tell her.
..But then that Somebody probably isn't a mother.

 

[moreluck]

Three Ladies

Three elderly women met at the coffee shop every week without fail for coffee, cigarettes, and conversation. One Saturday, Doris announced she was giving up smoking for her health. "I survived cancer of the uterus," she said, "and I'm not taking any more chances."

Even after hearing Doris's revelation, Edith lit up. "Aren't you afraid of getting cancer of the uterus? asked Hazel.

"Oh, no dear," Edith replied, without batting an eye. "I don't inhale that far down."

 

[moreluck]

Philosophy Student

A student of philosophy was taking his final written exam at his university.
The assignment for the 5-hour long exam was to write an essay on the topic,
"What is courage?"

The young man sat at his desk and thought for a little while. Finally, he
scribbled something on the piece of paper in front of him, got up, and
turned in the piece of paper.

All he had written was: "This is."

 

[moreluck]

Air Force Base

One night at an Air Force Base in Washington, I was dispatched to check out
the security fence where an alarm had gone off. The fence was at the end of
the base runway. When I got to the scene, I found that a raccoon was the
culprit, so I ran around and flapped my arms to scare off the animal.

Suddenly an air-traffic controller came over the public-address system and
announced loudly, "Attention to the airman at the end of the runway. You are
cleared for takeoff."

 

[moreluck]

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the
Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red
vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and
Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man
said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some
sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that
Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and
sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size
14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad." And Satan presented Thousand-Island
Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman
unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in
which to cook them." And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and
chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more
weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and
said, "It is good." Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's
Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those
extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not
have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried
before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with
nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy
center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still
satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double
cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes!
And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into
cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

 

[moreluck]

Businessman's Prayers.....

A businessman who needed millions of dollars to clinch an important deal went to church to pray for the money. By chance he knelt next to a man who was praying for $100 to pay an urgent debt.

The businessman took out his wallet and pressed $100 into the other man's hand. Overjoyed, the man got up and left the church. The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, "And now, Lord, that I have your undivided attention....."

 

[moreluck]

You Know You've Turned Into a Mom When...............

You automatically double-knot everything you tie.

You find yourself humming the Barney song as you do the dishes.

You hear a baby cry in the grocery store, and you start to gently sway back and forth, back and forth. However, your children are at school!

You actually start to like the smell of strained carrots mixed with applesauce.

You weep through the scene in Dumbo when his mom is taken away, not to mention what Bambi does to you.

You spend a half hour searching for your sunglasses only to have your teenager say, "Mom, why don't you wear the ones you pushed up on your head?"

You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you've reached over and started to cut up his steak!

 

[moreluck]

Two Hillbillies

Two hillbillies were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If I was to sneak over to your place Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes like he was thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he said, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even.

 

[moreluck]

My Dean......

Wouldn't it be nice to tell the Dean of your college what you REALLY think about him/her?

Well,... if you like YOUR Dean as much as I like MY Dean, then you'd better keep your mouth shut. I knew I'd get kicked out of the college if I expressed my true feelings, so I remained silent for the last four years.

But yesterday was my graduation. And as I walked across the stage, the Dean handed my diploma to me (nicely scrolled and tied with a ribbon).

Once she handed it to me, I could finally tell that bitch what I REALLY thought about her. So I leaned across her podium and I looked her straight in the eye.

"Hey Bitch," I said. "You're so damn ugly... you could practice birth control just by leaving the lights on!"

And then I walked off the stage, and went home. I gotta tell you that it felt just as good as I had imagined it would for the last four years.

Today, I unwrapped my diploma, framed it, and hung it in the living room, where it proudly exclaims to the world:

"In order to receive your diploma, please present this certificate to the Dean of your college after final grades have been posted!"

 

[moreluck]

Things You Won't See On Hallmark Cards....

OUTSIDE: As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...
INSIDE: That you're not here to ruin it for me.

OUTSIDE: I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love.
INSIDE: After having met you, I've changed my mind.

OUTSIDE: Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help
but wonder...
INSIDE: What was I thinking?

OUTSIDE: I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.
INSIDE: And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so ugly.

OUTSIDE: When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.
INSIDE: Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise.

OUTSIDE: If you ever need a friend...
INSIDE: Buy a dog.

 

[moreluck]

THE WHY'S OF MEN

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
Because they are plugged into a genius.

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
They don't have enough time.

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
They don't stop to ask directions.

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
Because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock.


You're laughing, aren't you?!?!


5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties.

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
Don't k now...It never happened.

C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!

And my personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.