Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

WHY ATHLETES CAN'T HAVE REGULAR JOBS...

1. Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model:
"I wan' all dem kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I wan' all the kids to copulate me."

2. New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:
"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

3. And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skin's say:
"I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,"
Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

4. Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins:
"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.."

5. Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann:
"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

6. Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh :
"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
(Now that is beautiful)

7. Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach:
"You guys line up alphabetically by height.."
And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, and then line up in a circle."

8. Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson going to prison:
"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton ."

9. Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker:
"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

10. Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regimen of heavyweight Andrew Golota:
"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning, regardless of what time it is."

11. Chuck Nevitt , North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice:
"My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt."

12. Frank Layden , Utah Jazz president, on a former player:
"I asked him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.'"

13. Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four friend's and one D:
"Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

14. In the words of NC State great Charles Shackelford:
"I can go to my left or right, I am amphibious."

15. Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips,
Phillips responded: "Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye."

 

[moreluck]

How long do you worry about your kids?



WORRY

Is there an imaginary cutoff period when

offspring become accountable

for their own actions?

Is there some wonderful moment when

parents can become detached spectators in

the lives of their children and shrug,

'It's Their life,' and feel nothing?



When I was in my twenties,

I stood in a hospital corridor

waiting for doctors to put a few stitches

in my son's head and I asked,

'When do you stop worrying?'

The nurse said,

'When they get out of the accident stage..'

My Parents just smiled faintly

and said nothing.



When I was in my thirties,

I sat on a little chair in a classroom

and heard how one of my children

talked incessantly, disrupted the class,

and was headed for a career

making license plates.

As if to read my mind, a teacher said,

'Don't worry, they all go through this stage

and then you can sit back,

relax and enjoy them.'

My Parents just smiled faintly

and said nothing.



When I was in my forties,

I spent a lifetime waiting

for the phone to ring,

the cars to come home,

the front door to open.

A friend said,

'They're trying to find themselves.

'Don't worry!

In a few years, they'll be adults.

'They'll be off on their own

they'll be out of your hair'

My Parents just smiled faintly

And said nothing.



By the time I was 50,

I was sick & tired of being vulnerable.

I was still worrying over my children,

but there was a new wrinkle..

Even though they were on their own

I continued to anguish over their failures,

be tormented by their frustrations and

absorbed in their disappointments..

and there was nothing I could do about it.

My Parents just smiled faintly

and said nothing.



My friends said that

when my kids got married

I could stop worrying

and lead my own life.

I wanted to believe that,

but I was haunted by my parent's warm smiles

and their occasional,

'You look pale. Are you all right' ?

'Call me the minute you get home'.

Are you depressed about something?'



My friends said that

when I became a grandparent

that I would get to enjoy

the happy little voices yelling

Grandma! Papa!

But now I find that I worry

just as much about the little kids

as the big ones.

How can anyone cope

with all this Worry?



Can it be that parents are sentenced

to a lifetime of worry?

Is concern for one another

handed down like a torch

to blaze the trail of human frailties

and the fears of the unknown?

Is concern a curse or is it

a virtue that elevates us

to the highest form of earthly creation?



Recently, one of my own children

became quite irritable, saying to me,

'Where were you?

I've been calling for 3 days,

and no one answered

I was worried.'

I smiled a warm smile.

The torch has been passed.



PASS THIS ON TO OTHER WONDERFUL PARENTS

(And also to your children... That's the best part!!)

​

 

[moreluck]

The wife is shopping for Christmas gifts,
With purchases little and large;
She doesn't believe in Santa Claus...
But she believes in Master Charge!
Merry Christmas!!

 

[moreluck]

Well Trained
​

While carpenters were working outside an old house the owner busied herself with indoor cleaning. She had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay she looked from his muddy boots to her newly scrubbed floors. "Just a minute," she said, thinking of a quick solution.
"I'll put down newspapers."
"That's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already trained."

 

[moreluck]

LAKE SUPERIOR FACTS....

Lake Superior contains ten percent of all
the fresh water on the planet Earth.

It covers 82,000 square kilometers or 31,700 square miles.

The average depth is 147 meters or 483 feet.

There have been about 350 shipwrecks
recorded in Lake Superior .

Lake Superior is, by surface area, the
largest lake in the world.

A Jesuit priest in 1668 named it Lac Tracy ,
but that name was never officially adopted.

It contains as much water as all the other
Great Lakes combined, plus three extra Lake Eries .

There is a small outflow from the lake at St. Marys River
(Sault Ste. Marie) into Lake Huron . But it takes almost two
centuries for the water to be completely replaced.

There is enough water in Lake Superior to
cover all of North and South America with water a foot deep.

Lake Superior was formed during the last
glacial retreat, making it one of the earth's youngest
major features at only about 10,000 years old.

The deepest point in the lake is 405 meters or 1,333 feet.

There are 78 different species of fish that
call the big lake home.

The maximum wave ever recorded on Lake
Superior was 9.45 meters or 31 feet high.

If you stretched the shoreline of Lake Superior out to a straight line,
it would be long enough to reach from Duluth to the Bahamas ..

Over 300 streams and rivers empty into Lake Superior
with the largest source being the Nipigon River .

The average underwater visibility of Lake Superior is about 8 meters or 27 feet,
making it the cleanest and clearest of the Great Lakes .
Underwater visibility in some spots reaches 30 meters.

In the summer, the sun sets more than 35 minutes later on the western shore
of Lake Superior than at its southeastern edge.

Some of the world's oldest rocks, formed about 2.7 billion years ago,
can be found on the Ontario shore of Lake Superior.

It very rarely freezes over completely, and then usually just for a few hours.
Complete freezing occurred in 1962, 1979, 2003 and 2009.

 

[moreluck]

A company in Pennsylvania made an armband that monitors your physical activity, counts how many calories you've burned, and then sends that information to your iPhone.

That's gotta be a little depressing. 'Oh, I got a call. No, I'm just fat.'"

~Jimmy Fallon

 

[moreluck]

SEVEN AGES OF THE MARRIED COLD
​

1st year--The husband says, "Oh, sweetie pie, I'm really worried about those nasty sniffles you have! There's no telling what that could turn into with all the strep that's been going around. I'm going to take you right down to the hospital and have you admitted for a couple days of rest. I know the food is lousy there, so I'm going to bring you some takeout from Tosini's. I've already arranged it with the head nurse."
2nd year--"Listen, honey, I don't like the sound of that cough. I called the doc and he's going to stop by here and take a look at you. Why don't you just go on to bed and get the rest you need?"
3rd year--"Maybe you better go lie down, darling. When you feel lousy you need the rest. I'll bring you something--do we have any canned soup around here?"
4th year--"No sense wearing yourself out when you're under the weather. When you finish those dishes and the kids' baths and get them to bed, you ought to go to bed yourself!" (my personal favorite)
5th year--"Why don't you take a couple aspirin?"
6th year--"You oughta go gargle or something, instead of sitting around barking like a dog!"
7th year--"For Pete's sake, stop sneezing. Are you trying to give me pneumonia? You'd better pick up some tissues while you're at the store."

 

[moreluck]

As seen on t-shirts......


Guns don't kill people, drivers with cell phones do.



To err is human. To arrrr is pirate.


I'm retired, go around me.


National Sarcasm Society ..... like we need your support.


A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say.


DRUMS...Weapons of mass percussion !


To err is human, to blame it on someone else shows management potential.


Prayer, the world's greatest wireless connection.


So far, this is the oldest I've ever been.

 

[moreluck]

A man comes home from a night of drinking.
As he falls through the doorway,
his wife snaps at him,
"What's the big idea coming home half drunk?"
"I'm sorry honey", the man replies
"I ran out of money."

 

[moreluck]

The news was saying something about avoiding infected Alfalfa........

I'd steer clear of the other Little Rascals too, just to be safe.

.

 

[moreluck]

Written by a 90 year old

This is something we should all read at least once a week!!!!!


Make sure you read to the end!!!!!!

Written by Regina Brett, 90 years old, of the Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio .

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote “the 45 lessons life taught me”.
It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood, teach them!

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come...

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Its estimated 93% won't forward this. If you are one of the 7% who will,
forward this with the title '7%'.

I'm in the 7%. Friends are the family that we choose.

 

[moreluck]

News reads: 'Man killed outside Jerusalem'.....That narrows the place of death down... To the rest of the world.

-Do gun manuals have a "trouble shooting?" section?

-Sometimes I wish I was French so that being an egotistical was more socially acceptable.

-I'd probably know a lot of Christmas carols if more of them were about me.

-It's almost the anniversary of Charlie Sheen choking his wife in Aspen and I haven't even decorated. Yikes!

-Well.....looks like The U.S. military gets to don their "gay" apparel this Xmas !

-What is the difference between woman's rights and a knife.....a knife has a point.

-There is an I in camouflage...some were!

-I just caught a fly with some chopsticks. Well, technically it was a spider and I may have used my shoe a little bit.
-
What does it mean when a girl calls you 2 or 3 times every single day? I mean aside from the fact that she works for MasterCard™.

--Just read that California leads the nation in depression cases and adultery.
What a sad state of affairs.

-

 

[moreluck]

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can actually accomplish? Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

1. I want to gain weight. Put on at least 30 pounds.
2. Stop exercising. Waste of time.
3. Read less.
4. Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
5. Procrastinate more.
6. Drink. Drink some more.
7. Take up a new habit: smoking.
8. Spend at least $1000 a month on Ladies of the Night.
9. Spend more time at work.
10. Take a vacation to someplace important: like to see the largest ball of twine.
11. Stop bringing lunch from home: I should eat out more.
12. Quit giving money & time to charity.
13. Draw disturbing doodles of your boss's wife.
14. Start being superstitious.
15. Have my car lowered and invest in a really loud stereo system. Get the windows tinted. Buy some fur for the dash.
16. Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
17. Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt. Only wear white T-shirts with those fashionable yellow stains under the arms.
18. Personal goal: bring back disco. http://www.dailyhaha.com/jokes_view.asp?ID=678

 

[moreluck]

EQUAL BUT NOT THE SAME
​

"Equal" is not always synonymous with "the same." Men and women are created equal. But, boys and girls are not born the same.

1. You throw a little girl a ball, and it will hit her in the nose.You throw a little boy a ball, and he will try to catch it. Then it will hit him in the nose.
2. You dress your little girl in her Easter Sunday best, and she'll look just as pretty when you finally make it to church an hour later. You dress a boy in his Easter Sunday best, and he'll somehow find every mud puddle from your home to the church, even if you're driving there.
3. Boys' rooms are usually messy. Girls' rooms are usually messy, except it's a good smelling mess.
4. A baby girl will pick up a stick and look in wonderment at what nature has made. A baby boy will pick up a stick and turn it into a gun.
5. When girls play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to dress them up and play house with them. When boys play with Barbie and Ken dolls, they like to tear off their appendages.
6. Boys couldn't care less if their hair is unruly. If their bangs got cut a quarter-inch too short, girls would rather lock themselves in their room for two weeks than be seen in public.
7. Baby girls find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting their face. Baby boys find mommy's makeup and almost instinctively start painting the walls.
8. If a girl accidentally burps, she will be embarrassed. If a boy accidentally burps, he will follow it with a dozen fake belches.
9. Boys grow their fingernails long because because they're too lazy to cut them. Girls grow their fingernails long - not because they look nice - but because they can dig them into a boys arm.
10. Girls are attracted to boys, even at an early age. At an early age, boys are attracted to dirt.
11. By the age of 6, boys will stop giving their dad kisses. By the age of 6, girls will stop giving their dad kisses unless he bribes them with candy.
12. Most baby girls talk before boys do. Before boys talk, they learn how to make machine-gun noises.
13. Girls will cry if someone dies in a movie. Boys will cry if you turn off the VCR after they've watched "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" movie three times in a row.
14. Girls turn into women. Boys turn into bigger boys.

 

[moreluck]

ANATOMY OF A MOTHER

​

THE HEAD -- Often covered with hair, the head should have all the essential parts:

EARS -- Ears should be well-placed, incredibly attuned to a child's utterings- I.e. "you suck!", even when spoken under the breath and in another room. Yet strong enough to tune out the loudest music of "Hootie and the Blowfish" when preparing dinner.

EYES -- Eyes can be of any color, should be able to see (although there have been many very successful mothers who were blind- they simply used the all-powerful "eyes at the back of the head" tool). Expression should be soft and gentle, yet capable of "shooting bullets" at appropriate times. I, on occasion, use the "I will turn your little butt to salt right here" look in times of extreme stress.

NOSE -- Ah, the nose, able to smell a soiled diaper at 50 yards! I have not found the "bigger is better" theory at work here. I have known mothers with tiny little turned-up noses that look completely ineffectual, actually "scent" the time (10 minutes) when her little offspring smoked his/her first cigarette. A fantastic feat, it was a treat to watch her. She made one small error once- completely understandable- she mistook the Scotch he tried for a single-malt, rather than a blend. I could forgive her this- she was a Gin drinker.

MOUTH -- Not quite so large as Rush Limbaugh's (God forbid), nor so small as Bettie Boop (I do not think she would make an effective mother). It should be able to sing a soft, albeit, out-of-key nursery rhyme, or raise the rafters when "mother" is displeased. My only absolute rule it that it should never, never be used to insult, demean or humiliate the child. Anger is all right, but verbal abuse is forbidden. Also, the mouth is needed for eating -quite often, and in small doses usually, because mothers do not have enough time to actually sit down to eat a full meal at one time- "mom, I need this done now", "mom can you take me here now", "mom where is my....," "mom, come here and look at this!" and the dreaded, "oops...Oh God.....MOM!!!!!"

SHOULDERS -- The actual size is not so important, I know many women who even enhance their size due to fashion styles. It really doesn't matter, as long as they can bear the weight of the world occasionally and then much more often during High School.

BREASTS -- Here is where you all get treated to an honest to God mother-type lecture. So hunker down and just listen. These particular accouterments to the human body are there for one reason, and one reason only - Milk Machines! They were put there to nourish a baby and when the time comes, boy are they handy! Now I realize that there are some women out there that look like they could feed Nicaragua single-handedly and some (as, ahem, myself) that look as if they were drier than the Sahara Desert. But let me assure you that the good Lord provided, just such a large range of sizes to make some men look like idiots in their admiration of something that every other mammal in the world has. If we could get this through our thick skulls, so that many women did not feel inadequate, then my work as 'Semi-Super Woman' would be done.

STOMACH -- This includes the waist, which I have not had since 1971. Seriously, I jump right from bottom of the rib cage to top of the hip-bone, with a huge pinch of extra skin in-between. It is truly amazing to me that I lost it so suddenly and did not even hear it drop. This particular part of the body can change dramatically from woman to woman after having a child. I, myself, developed stretch marks that have had gynecologists spending enormous amounts of time trying to decipher hidden pictures that they are sure that they can see. Sort of like a Rorschach test game. I have had friends who have had 5 babies and have a stomach that you could bounce a dime off, and not only that, there's not a mark on them. (I, as a matter of fact, have lost several coins in the folds of my big belly, but I look at it as a kind of retirement fund).

 

[moreluck]

Some people
Try to turn back their odometers.
Not me!
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.

First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.
---------------------------------

 

[moreluck]

Extinction
​

Scientists have shown that the moon is moving away at a tiny, although measurable distance from the earth every year.
If you do the math, you can calculate that 85 million years ago the moon was orbiting the earth at a distance of about 35 feet from the earth's surface.
This would explain the death of the dinosaurs...the tallest ones, anyway.......

 

[moreluck]

Kids & Religion.........

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object to share with the class that represented their religion.

The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin. I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."

The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."

The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Methodist, and this is a casserole."

 

[moreluck]

Sport TeamsA Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I'll have a football team."

To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I'll have a golf course."

 

[moreluck]

The Tunnel.......

Sitting together on a train was Obama, George W. Bush, a little old lady, and a young blonde girl with large breasts.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Obama has a bright red hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks.

The old lady thinks:

Obama must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped him.

The blonde girl thinks:

Obama must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped him.

Obama thinks:

Bush must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.

George Bush thinks:

I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can slap the out of Obama again