Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

HOW TRUE IT IS! ​

Another year has passed
And we're all a little older.
Last summer felt hotter​

And winter seems much colder.
I rack my brain for happy thoughts,
To put down on my pad,
But lots of things, That come to mind
Just make me kind of sad.​

We used to have hangovers,
From parties that were gay.
Now we suffer body aches
And sleep the night away.
We used to go out dining,
And couldn't get our fill.
Now we ask for doggie bags,
Come home and take a pill.

We used to travel often
To places near and far.
Now we get backaches
From riding in the car.
We used to go out shopping
For new clothing at the Mall
But, now we never bother...
All the sizes are too small.
That, my friend is how life is,
And now my tale is told.
So, enjoy each day and live it up...
Before you're too damn old!!

 

[moreluck]

The Pilot
​

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, this was his first time approaching a field during the night time.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower, he said: "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied: "Guess where!"

 

[moreluck]

I never knew this.​

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins
on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go ?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic
bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. ​

The penguin is very committed to its family and will
mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of
compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life. ​

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other
members of the family and social circle have been
known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial
wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for
the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle
around the fresh grave and sing: ​

"Freeze a jolly good fellow"
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Then they kick him in the ice hole." ​

 

[moreluck]

YOU MIGHT BE A SCHOOL TEACHER IF...

You have no time for a life from August to June.

You want to slap the next person who says, "Must be nice to work from 8 to 3 and have your summers free!"

When out in public you feel the urge to talk to strange children and correct their behavior.

You refer to adults as "boys and girls."

You encourage your spouse by telling him he's a "good helper."

You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would never dream of doing your job.

Meeting a child's parents instantly answers the question, "Why is this kid like this?"

You believe "extremely annoying" should have its own box on the report card.

You know a hundred good reasons for being late.

You don't want children of your own because there isn't a name you can hear that wouldn't elevate your blood pressure.

 

[moreluck]

Some random thoughts...

I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I cant wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story thats not only better, but also more directly involves
me.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.


I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This
recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never
be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

 

[moreluck]

Wives???

The wife and I were at home watching TV.

I had the remote and was switching back and forth between a
golf channel and the porn channel.
She became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For God's sake! Leave it on the porn channel!

You already know how to golf!"

 

[moreluck]

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.........



Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.


Ø Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Ø Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted pay checks.

Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."


Ø I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it... So I said "Implants?"

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

Smile.........................


1. You cannot stick your tongue out and look up at the ceiling at the same time.

2. All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.

3. And they will discover that #1 is a lie.

4. You are smiling now, because you are an idiot.

5. There is still a stupid smile on your face.

 

[moreluck]

Bumper Stickers......

CAUTION: This car will be left behind during rapture.

Change is good...you go first!

Change Is Inevitable, Except From A Vending Machine.

Chemistry Professors Never Die, They Just Smell That Way!

Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable but everyone else's are horrendous.


Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

Clones are people 2.

Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.

 

[moreluck]

Rain

​

A visitor to Texas once asked, "Does it ever rain out here?"
A rancher quickly answered, "Yes, it does."
"When?" asked the visitor.
"Do you remember that part in the Bible where it rained for 40 days and 40 nights?"
The visitor replied, "Yes, I'm familiar with Noah's flood."
"Well," the rancher puffed up, "we got about half an inch that time."

 

[moreluck]

WAL-MART INTERVIEW.




Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of 20 resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'

The first man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.

'That's very good!' replied Jennifer.
'And, now you sir?', she asked the second man.

'Hmmm..let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened... A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'

'Excellent!' said Jennifer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed.' She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.

Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.'

Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man
'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' she said.

Turning to Louie, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.

Old Louie replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known isDIARRHEA !'

'WHAT!?' said Jennifer, stunned by the response...

'Oh sure', said Louie. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already crapped my pants.'

Louie is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.​

 

[moreluck]

SCARY...





And we worry about Democrats versus Republicans? Relax, here is our real problem.

In a University of Florida classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States.

It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.


However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen.

In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.


The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating:
"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Yep, these are the same kind of 21-year-olds that just voted in our last election! *
*They breed and they walk among us...
(And she got into college???????????????)

 

[moreluck]

It's OK and safe to read. LOL..




Date: Wednesday, January 12, 2011, 9:31 PM


He grasped me firmly, but gently, just above my elbow and guided me into a room, his room. Then he quietly shut the door and we were alone. He approached me soundlessly, from behind, and spoke in a low, reassuring voice, close to my ear.

"Just relax. . . " Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing and moving upward along my calves, slowly, but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure. When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and I partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties. Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "no" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say . . . . . "Okay, ma'am," said a voice. "All done." My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."

 

[moreluck]

Irish Confessional Box






An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. He is amazed to find a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates in the world.

Then the priest comes in. Excitedly, the Irishman begins..."Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies, "Get out. You're on my side."

 

[moreluck]

KISS

​

At a dinner party, the speaker who was the guest of honor was about to deliver his speech when his wife, who was sitting at the other end of the table, sent him a piece of paper with the word "KISS" scribbled on it.
A guest seated next to the speaker said, "It looks like your wife has sent you a kiss for good luck. She must love you very much."
The speaker replied, "You don't know my wife. The letters stand for "Keep it short, Stupid."

 

[moreluck]

CATHOLIC HORSES


One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.

Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race..


Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse the priest had blessed won the race.

Mitch collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the priest would bless for the 6th race. The priest again blessed a horse.



Mitch bet big on it, and it won. Mitch was elated.. As the races continued the priest kept blessing long shot horses, and each one ended up coming in first.


By and by, Mitch was pulling in some serious money. By the last race, he knew his wildest dreams were going to come true. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited the priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on.

True to his pattern, the priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.

Mitch also observed the priest blessing the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag.Mitch knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He then watched dumbfounded as the old nag come in dead last. Mitch, in a state of shock, made his way down to the track area where the priest was.

Confronting the old priest he demanded, 'Father! What happened?

All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a Kentucky mile. Now, thanks to you I've lost every cent of my savings -- all of it!'.


The priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
'Son,' he said, 'that's the problem with you Protestants, you can't tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.'

 

[moreluck]

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented George.

The Devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"

 

[moreluck]

Shouldn't the Air and Space museum....be empty?........just sayin!

Mel Gibson film's original title:
What Women Want... Is a Damn good SLAP!

You Put the "PRO" in inappropriate!

Cop- Do you know why I pulled you over
Me- Because I banged your mom?
Cop- Get the friend--- out of the car!
Me- Wait! Don't I get another guess?

THINGS I LEARNED ON VACATION #47:If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.

 

[moreluck]

The Scotch Expert.....

A man traveling on business, walks into a local pub, sits down and asks the bartender for a shot of 25 year old scotch.

The bar keep looking to have a little fun, and make a few extra dollars, pours the guy a shot of bar brand scotch.

The businessman taking his first sip, realizes this is not what he ordered, calls over the bartender. "Excuse me, do you remember what I ordered".

"Why certainly sir", says the bartender, "You wanted a shot of 25 year old scotch".

"That is correct", replies the customer. "The scotch you served, can't be more than 2 years old".

The bartender apologies, and goes off to correct his mistake. A little upset for being caught, the bartender again tries to fool his customer, by pouring him a shot of 12 year old scotch.

After his first taste of the scotch, he immediately again knew, this was not the beverage of his choice.

So once again, he calls over the bartender, to verify his drink order. "Bartender, can you tell me again what I ordered".

"Yes sir, you ordered a shot of my 25 year old scotch".

"Again that is correct". But unfortunately, the scotch you served is not more than 12 years old".

At this point he bartender is impressed, and realizes the guy is a true connoisseur of scotch whiskey, and goes off to get his 25 year old scotch.

With savoring only a few drops, the man knew he finally got what he ordered, and comments to the bartender, "Now this is, 25 year old scotch".

The local drunk who witnessed everything, turns to the businessman and says, "Hey buddy, try this drink.

The traveler not wanting any trouble, takes the glass from the drunk, and gives a taste. Immediately, the guy spits it out, and screams, "My god man, this is urine".

"Thats right", yells the drunk, "But How Old am I".