Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Better Be Careful!

These are actual warnings given on various products:

1. On a blanket from Taiwan - NOT TO BE USED AS PROTECTION FROM A TORNADO.

2. On a helmet mounted mirror used by US cyclists - REMEMBER, OBJECTS IN THE MIRROR ARE ACTUALLY BEHIND YOU.

3. On a Taiwanese shampoo - USE REPEATEDLY FOR SEVERE DAMAGE.

4. On the bottle-top of a (UK) flavoured milk drink AFTER OPENING, KEEP UPRIGHT.

5. On a New Zealand insect spray - THIS PRODUCT NOT TESTED ON ANIMALS.

6. In a US guide to setting up a new computer - TO AVOID CONDENSATION FORMING, ALLOW THE BOXES TO WARM UP TO ROOM TEMPERATURE BEFORE OPENING. (Sensible, but the instruction was INSIDE the box.)

7. In some countries, on the bottom of Coke bottles OPEN OTHER END.

8. On a packet of Sunmaid raisins - WHY NOT TRY TOSSING OVER YOUR FAVOURITE BREAKFAST CEREAL?

9. On a Sears hairdryer - DO NOT USE WHILE SLEEPING.

10. On a bag of Fritos - YOU COULD BE A WINNER! NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. DETAILS INSIDE.

11. On a bar of Dial soap - DIRECTIONS - USE LIKE REGULAR SOAP.

12. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of the box)- DO NOT TURN UPSIDE DOWN.

13. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding - PRODUCT WILL BE HOT AFTER HEATING.

14. On a Korean kitchen knife - WARNING KEEP OUT OF CHILDREN.

15. On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights - FOR INDOOR OR OUTDOOR USE ONLY.

 

[moreluck]

Women's Slogans ...

1.I'm busy. You're ugly. Have a nice day.

2.Warning : I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

3.Remember my name - you'll be screaming it later.

4.Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

5.I'm a multi-tasker : I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

6.Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

7.You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

8.Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

9.Guys have feelings too. But, like . . . who cares?

10.I don't believe in miracles. I rely on them.

11.Next mood swing : 6 minutes and counting.

12.I hate everybody, and you're next.

13.Please don't make me kill you.

14.And your point is . . .

15.I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now.

16.All stressed out and no one to choke.

17.I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

18.How can I miss you if you won't go away?

19.They aren't hot flashes, they're power surges!

20.Of course I don't look busy . . . I did it right the first time.

 

[hubrat]

Saw this on a bumper sticker: "I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet."

 

[moreluck]

Not To Be Heard During Surgery........... 1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

9. "Damn, there go the lights again...."

10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."

11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"

 

[moreluck]

Somewhat skeptical of his son's newfound determination to become the next Charles Atlas, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department.

"Please, Dad," whined the boy, "I promise I'll use them every day."

"I don't know, Michael. It's really a big commitment on your part," the father pointed out.

"Please, Dad?"

"They're not cheap either."

"I'll use them Dad, I promise. You'll see."

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yell, "What! You mean I have to carry them to the car?!"

 

[moreluck]

Broken Window......

There was a knock at the door. It was a small boy, about six years old. Something of his had found its way into my garage, he said, and he wanted it back.

Upon opening the garage door, I noticed two additions: a base- ball and a broken window sporting a baseball-sized hole. "How do you suppose this ball got in here?" I asked the boy.

Taking one look at the ball, one look at the window, and one look at me, the boy exclaimed, "Wow! I must have thrown it right through that hole"

 

[moreluck]

MY COMPUTER ATE IT: TECHNOLOGY-RELATED HOMEWORK EXCUSES.....

1. I emailed it to you, but I got a bounce-back email.

2. I finished my homework but then I deleted it by accident.

3. My computer crashed and I lost it.

4. My printer broke.

5. I finished my homework but was unable to save it.

6. My printer ran out of ink.

7. My Internet was down so I couldn’t do any research or access assignment.

8. I spilt my drink on the computer and it broke.

9. My house was burglarized and my computer was stolen.

10. I couldn’t connect my laptop to a printer.

11. My computer was hacked and a virus destroyed my hard-drive.

12. Windows Vista crashed my laptop and deleted the programme.

13. Spilt my dinner over it.

14. I lost my laptop.

15. The letters on my keyboard have worn out so I couldn’t

 

[moreluck]

CHRISMAS CAROLS AS INTERPRETED BY KIDS...............

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols/Songs; here are some of the humorous lines she received:

1. Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

2. De three kings of porridge and tar

3. On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

4. Later on we'll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

5. He's makin a list, chicken and rice.

6. Noel, Noel, Barney's the king of Israel.

7. With the jelly toast proclaim

8. Olive, the other reindeer. (all of the other reindeer)

9. Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

10. Sleep in heavenly peas

11. In the meadow we can build a snowman, Then pretend that he is sparse and brown

12. You'll go down in Listerine

13, Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

14. O come, froggy faithful

 

[moreluck]

MILITARY INFORMATION - A Synopsis

Marine Corps Rules:

01. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
02. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
03. Have a plan.
04. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
05. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet that is trying to kill you..
06. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
07. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
08. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
09. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect your six.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.

Navy SEAL Rules:

1. Look very cool in sunglasses.
2. Kill every living thing within view.
3. Adjust Speedo.
4. Check hair in mirror.
5. Double back to shoot every dead thing within view.

US Army Rangers Rules:

1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound rucksack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' Command to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound rucksack while starving.

US Army Rules:

1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd LTs; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.

US Air Force Rules:

01. Have a cocktail.
02. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
03. See what's on HBO.
04. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
05. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
06. Wine & dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
07. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
08. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
09. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but close enough to have tax exemption.

US Navy Rules:

1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines

Go Navy!

And the next... (You've got to love the military, and God bless them all.)

U.S. Navy Directive 16134 ( Inappropriate T-Shirts )

The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval
installations in the Middle East . (It was obviously directed at the Marines.)

To: All Commands Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts Ref: ComMidEast

For Inst 16134//24 K

All commanders promulgate upon receipt. The following T-shirts are
no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian
personnel serving in the Middle East:

1. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions]
2. 'Shrine Busters' [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery
shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
3. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy' [Both English and Arabic versions]
4. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.' [Both English and Arabic versions]
5. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but
some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
6. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people. "Hoorah"' [Both Arabic and English versions]
7. 'Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]
8. 'Infidel' [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt
of this directive. In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon
receipt of this message:

1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.'
2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?'

All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon receipt.

 

[moreluck]

I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the River near Rosenberg this morning.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he
was carrying.

With him was an illegal Hispanic.He too, was also struggling to stay
afloat because of the backpack of drugs strapped to his back. If they
didn't get help, they'd surely drown!

I, being a responsible citizen, informed the Ft. Bend County Sheriff's
Office and Homeland Security.

It is now 4pm and they still haven't responded. I'm starting to think I
wasted two stamps.

 

[moreluck]

Lion tamer..........

A man told the ringmaster that he was interested in joining the circus as a lion tamer. The ringmaster asked if he had any experience and the man said, "Why, yes. My father was one of the most famous lion tamers in the world, and he taught me everything he knew."

"Really?" said the ringmaster. "Did he teach you how to make a lion jump through a flaming hoop?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And did he teach you how to have six lions form a pyramid?"

"Yes he did," the man replied.

"And have you ever stuck your head in a lion's mouth?"

"Just once," the man replied.

The ringmaster asked, "Why only once?"

And the man said, "I was looking for my father."

 

[moreluck]

GRANDPARENTS ANSWERING MACHINE​

Good morning . . . At present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep. beeeeeppp . . .



If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, dial 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or, taking us to the theater start talking we are listening!"

 

[moreluck]

Warning....groan ahead.........!!

A marine biologist developed a species of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

 

[moreluck]

A golf story.........

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second

golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually

played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few

holes.

The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about

playing for five bucks a hole?" The first guy said that he wasn't much for

betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining sixteen

holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy

was busy counting his $80.00. He confessed that he was the pro at a

neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that

he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering

to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish

to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there

anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The priest said, "Well, you

could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your

mother and father along, I'll marry them."










--

 

[moreluck]

A Dog's Rules For Christmas

1. Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.


2. They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

3. Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

4. They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: - Don't pee on the tree - Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree - Mind your tail when you are near the tree - If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open - Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

5. Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: - Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans - Don't eat off the buffet table - Beg for goodies subtly - Be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa - Don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach

6. Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: - Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. (4a is particularly important) - Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house - Tolerate children - Turn on your charm big time 7. A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!

 

[moreluck]

Wrapping Presents 101 for Cat Owners

1. Clear large space on table for wrapping present.
2. Go to wardrobe and collect bag in which present is contained, and close door.
3. Open door and remove cat from wardrobe.
4. Go to cupboard and retrieve rolls of wrapping paper.
5. Go back and remove cat from cupboard.
6. Go to drawer and collect transparent sticky tape, ribbons, scissors, labels, etc.
7. Lay out present and wrapping materials on table, to enable wrapping strategy to be formed.
8. Go back to drawer to get string, remove cat that has been in the drawer since last visit, and collect string.
9. Remove present from bag.
10. Remove cat from bag.
11. Open box to check present, remove cat from box, replace present.
12. Lay out paper to enable cutting to size.
13. Cut the paper to size, trying to keep the cutting line straight.
14. Throw away first sheet because cat tried to chase the scissors and tore the paper.
15. Cut second sheet of paper to size by putting cat in the bag the present came out of.
16. Place present on cut-to-size paper.
17. Lift up edges of paper to seal in present, wonder why edges now don't reach, and find cat between present and paper. Remove cat and retry.
18. Place object on paper, to hold in place, while cutting transparent sticky tape.
19. Spend next 20 minutes carefully trying to remove transparent sticky tape from cat with pair of nail scissors.
20. Seal paper down with transparent sticky tape, making corners as neat as possible.
21. Look for roll of ribbon; chase cat down hall and retrieve ribbon.
22. Try to wrap present with ribbon in a two-directional turn.
23. Re-roll up ribbon and remove paper that is now torn, due to cat's enthusiasm in chasing ribbon end.
24. Repeat steps 12-22 until down to last sheet of paper.
25. Decide to skip steps 12-16 in order to save time and reduce risk of losing last sheet of paper. Retrieve old cardboard box that you know is right size for sheet of paper.
26. Put present in box, and tie down with string.
27. Remove string, open box and remove cat.
28. Put all packing materials in bag with present and head for lockable room.
29. Once inside room, lock door and start to re-lay out packing materials.
30. Remove cat from box, unlock door, put cat outside door, close door and re-lock.
31. Lay out last sheet of paper. (Admittedly this is difficult in the small area of the toilet, but try your best!)
32. Seal box, wrap with paper and start repairs by very carefully sealing down tears with transparent sticky tape. Now tie up with ribbon and decorate with bows to hide worst affected areas.
33. Label, then sit back and admire your handiwork, congratulating yourself on making good of a bad job.
34. Unlock door, and go to kitchen to make drink and feed cat.
35. Spend next 15 minutes looking for cat, before coming to obvious conclusion.
36. Unwrap present, untie box and remove cat.
37. Retrieve all discarded sheets of wrapping paper, feed cat and retire to lockable room for last attempt, making certain you are alone and the door is locked.
38. At time of handing over present, smile sweetly at receiver's face, as they try and hide their contempt at being handed such a badly wrapped present. 39. Swear to yourself that next year, you will get the store to wrap the darn thing for you.

 

[moreluck]

INSTRUCTIONS ON LIFE...

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are twitching. -- Andrew, Age 9

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls. -- Rocky, Age 9

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning. -- Stephanie, Age 8

Never try to hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. -- Rosemary, Age 7

Never ask for anything that costs more than five dollars when your parents are doing taxes. -- Carrol, Age 9

Never bug a pregnant mom. -- Nicholas, Age 11

Don't ever be too full for dessert. -- Kelly, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. -- Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working. -- Michael, Age 14

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. -- Joel, Age 12

 

[moreluck]

There's always something you wish your kids would do, such as not tossing clothes inside-out into the hamper. Here's my wish list of phrases I'd like to hear my kids say. Not all the time, just once would be nice.

1. You're so cool, Dad.

2. Who cares if the TV is broken?

3. Pass the broccoli, please.

4. What, No kiss?

5. No, thanks. It's too expensive.

6. It's a hard choice. Everything sounds great.

7. Bored? How could I be bored?

8. I've already made my bed.

9. It was my fault.

10.That's okay. None of my friends are allowed to do it, either.

 

[moreluck]

A woman from Los Angeles, CA who was a tree hugger, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville, WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.



In considerable pain, she hurried to Mt. Carmel ER to see a doctor. She told him

she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to

get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and

then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help

her.





She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman

demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had

to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency , the Forest Service ,

and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from

a recreational area. I'm sorry, but due to Obama Care, they turned me down."







GOD BLESS AMERICA !

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Fwd: Merry Christmas From the USMC - You really have to be careful not to fall down.





Associated Press

AUGUSTA, Ga. - A U.S. Marine reservist collecting toys for children was stabbed when he helped stop a suspected shoplifter in eastern Georgia.

Best Buy sales manager Orvin Smith told The Augusta Chronicle that man was seen on surveillance cameras Friday putting a laptop under his jacket at the Augusta store.

When confronted, the man became irate, knocked down an employee, pulled a knife and ran toward the door. Outside were four Marines collecting toys for the service branch's "Toys For Tots" program.

Smith said the Marines stopped the man, but he stabbed one of them, Cpl. Phillip Duggan, in the back. The cut did not appear to be severe.
The suspect was transported to the local hospital with two broken arms, a broken leg, possible broken ribs, assorted lacerations and bruises he obtained when he fell trying to run after stabbing the Marine.

The suspect, whose name was not released, was held until police arrived. The Richmond County Sheriff's office said it is investigating.