Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Gotta Love Those Saskatchewan Girls



A farm girl from Saskatchewan walks into a bar in Calgary and orders three mugs of Bud.
She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the farm girl, 'You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.'

The farm girl replies, 'Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Cranbrook . When we all left our home in Saskatchewan, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself.'

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The farm girl becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, 'I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.'

The farm girl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.'Oh, no, everybody's just fine,' she explains, 'It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters though.'

 

[moreluck]

EARTHQUAKE SAFETY........

Earthquakes can strike without warning, and being prepared for such a disaster can mean the difference between life and death. Here are some tips to help you and your loved ones make it through a quake:

Those living in areas not prone to earthquakes can respond quickly to the plight of disaster victims in quake zones by complacently smirking and saying, "I told you so."

To minimize loss and damage in a quake, try not to own things.

Practice your burrowing-out-from-under-40-tons-of-rubble skills ahead of time.

Look out your window often. If you see a large, zig-zag-shaped crevasse moving rapidly from the horizon toward your home, step either to the right or the left.

Do you have a treasured childhood toy? Perhaps a stuffed animal, such as a teddy bear? Well, let's see Mr. Bear help you now!

A doorway is the safest place to be during a quake. Eat, sleep, and work in doorways.

Be sure to mail your house-insurance payments a full five business days before a major earthquake strikes.

In the event of a quake, get under something heavy, such as a desk, a table, or your boss.

If you are caught in a major earthquake in Southern California and are part of the entertainment industry, take a moment or two to reflect on how grossly you've wasted your life.

 

[moreluck]

We spent four times more on Clinton's blowjob than we did investigating the financial crisis.

 

[moreluck]

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR CHURCH IS AT THE FRONT OF THE TECHNOLOGY CURVE...........

10. Your pastor podcasts his sermons.

9. Your custodian has been replaced by a Roomba robot vacuum.

8. There are personal video monitors in every pew.

7. Every child in the nursery and Sunday School has been tagged with a GPS device so no one ever gets lost.

6. Your youth pastors make all the teenagers use 24-hour webcams to prevent backsliding.

5. For the offering, your church accepts VISA, MasterCard, and PayPal.

4. The communion wafers are loaded with nanotechnology that wipe out sinful thoughts.

3. Both your choir and worship band are one guy with a synthesizer, a sequencer, and a vocal harmonizer.

2. No one actually attends anymore. Everyone worships together in an online chat room.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOUR CHURCH IS AT THE FRONT OF THE TECHNOLOGY CURVE?

1. Your pastor has been replaced with an iGod.

 

[moreluck]

Chinese Detective.....

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.
So, he hired a famous Chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop.
A few days later, he recieved this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.

He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he. He play with she. She play with he.

I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see.

 

[moreluck]

DAFFYNITIONS.........

MYTH: A female moth.

RAISIN: Grape with sunburn.

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.

 

[moreluck]

Getting a job with the FBI....






The FBI had an opening for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large
metal door and handed him a gun.

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter
what the circumstances.
Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair ... . .
Kill her!!'


The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot
my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job.
Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for a bout 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes.
Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn.
She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the woman,
wiping the sweat from her brow. 'This gun was loaded with blanks' she said.

'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'

MORAL:

Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

 

[moreluck]

PBS Has Gone To Hell.........

A man dies and finds himself in a small room that has a couch and TV set in it. There's another fellow sitting on the couch watching TV.

The new arrival asks the man on the couch, "So, is this heaven or hell?"

The man looks up and says, "Well, there's no windows or doors, and no apparent way out."

"Oh," says the first guy. "So it's hell?"

"Well," says the other guy, without looking up from the screen, "but they did give us this nice big TV set."

"I see. So maybe it's heaven?"

"Yeah, but the TV has only one channel."

"Oh, so maybe it's hell?"

"Well, but the TV station it gets is pretty good--it's PBS."

"Oh, so maybe it is heaven after all?"

"Yeah, except for one thing," the other fellow says, sadly. "It's ALWAYS pledge week."

 

[moreluck]

Stranded.......

One day this guy, who has been stranded on a desert island all alone for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself.

And as the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and asks, "How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pocket of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag, and says, "Man, oh man!" "Is that ever good!"

She then asks him, "How long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?"

Trembling, he replies, "Ten Years!"

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swing, and says, "Wow, that's absolutely fantastic!"

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at him seductively and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, "Oh sweet Lord God!" "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!"

 

[moreluck]

Dogs Don't Understand

1. It's not a laugh to practice barking at 3a.m.

2. It's wrong to back Grandma into a corner and guard her.

3. He shouldn't jump on your bed when he's sopping wet.

4. The cats have every right to be in the living room.

5. Barking at guests 10 minutes after they arrive is stupid.

6. Getting up does NOT mean we are going for a walk

7. Just because I'm eating, doesn't mean you can.

8. If you look at me with those big soppy eyes, I'm not going to give in and feed you. NOT NOT NOT. Oh, ok, just this once.

9. No, it's my food....Oh all right then, just a small piece.

 

[moreluck]

CNN: Kirstie Alley says she now spends up to an hour a day on the treadmill.
Next month, she'll turn it on.



USA TODAY NEWS: "Michael Lohan Explains Why He's Doing Celebrity Rehab."

I'll take "Because he's a fame-whoring " for $100, Alex.

After seeing a news report on people being hurt when their Crocs were sucked into escalators all I can think is.......
'Natural Selection'.


Personally , I dont believe he is even thinking of "You" , when God opens a window after he closes a door....
I think there's a good chance He is just in the bathroom.



Dont ask me how.....but I've just confirmed that a potato peeler is another way to skin a cat.

They grow up so fast. You sign your daughter up for lacrosse, next thing you know she's all "Mom, Dad, this is my girlfriend Brenda."

 

[moreluck]

Senior sense...........



Don't "mess" with Seniors! This is another one on the lighter side.

A lawyer and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long
flight.

The lawyer is thinking that seniors are so dumb that he could get one
over on them easily.

So, the lawyer asks if the senior would like to play a fun game.

The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely
declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is a lot of fun...."I ask
you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only
$5.00. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay
you $500.00," he says.

This catches the senior's attention and, to keep the lawyer quiet, he
agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's thedistance from the Earth
to the Moon?"

The senior doesn't say a word, but reaches into his pocket, pulls out
a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop to search all references he can find on the
Net.

He sends E-mails to all the smart friends he knows; all to no avail.
After an hour of searching, he finally gives up.

He wakes the senior and hands him $500.00. The senior pockets the
$500.00 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior
up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes
down with four?"

The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes
back to sleep.

 

[moreluck]

Speaking of fences, reminds me of the man who bought a horse but then went back to the farmer and complained, "I thought you said this horse you sold me could jump as high as an eight-foot fence."

"I did, and he can," said the farmer.

"Well," replied the man, "he can't jump at all."

The farmer added, "Neither can a fence."

 

[moreluck]

Retirement......

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.

7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was
no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

 

[moreluck]

Ole died. So Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The
gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena
what she would like to say about Ole.
Lena replied, "You yust put 'Ole died."
The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Ole died'?
Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Ole. If
it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We
must say something more."
So Lena pondered
for a few minutes and finally said, "OK. You put 'Ole died. Boat for sale.'"

 

[moreluck]

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE FROM KIDS..................................:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' are on TV." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I've been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."(Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."(Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Don't do things like have smelly,green sneakers.You might get attention,but attention ain't the same thing as love."(Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me" (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food," (Brad, 8)

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like their hearts are on fire."(Christine, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS:

"You learn it right on the spot, when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)

"It might help if you watched soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...that's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work."(Tom,7)

"Don't forget your wife's name...that will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take the trash out." (Randy, 8)

 

[moreluck]

An answer I can understand...







A tourist in a bar in Florida asks an Irishman sitting at the bar,
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?

To which the Irishman replies:
"If they fell forward they'd still be in the flippin' boat."


I understood that answer!

 

[moreluck]

You Know You're Rich When...


the words "On Sale" no longer attract your interest, unless they're referring to a country.

you forbid your children to shop anywhere without valet parking.

being frugal means buying "one" diamond bracelet instead of two.

you have people. As in, "I'll have my people call your people."

your hardest decision all day is whether to put marble or hardwood floors in your child's tree house.

your children play MonopolyR with real money.

~ Mr. Humor

 

[moreluck]

President Obama held a press conference to address the skyrocketing prices of oil and consumer pain at the pump. The nation's highest gas prices are in Beverly Hills. Last night, Lindsay Lohan was videotaped walking out of a hardware store with a siphon hose around her neck.

 

[trplnkl]

President Obama held a press conference to address the skyrocketing prices of oil and consumer pain at the pump. The nation's highest gas prices are in Beverly Hills. Last night, Lindsay Lohan was videotaped walking out of a hardware store with a siphon hose around her neck.

I wonder if she paid for that one....or was it just a loaner?