Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

moreluck

golden ticket member
The History Of Casual Day
Memo No. 1: Effective immediately, the company is adopting Fridays as Casual Day so that employees may express their diversity.

Memo No. 2: Spandex and leather micro-miniskirts are not appropriate attire for Casual Day. Neither are string ties, rodeo belt buckles or moccasins.

Memo No. 3: Casual Day refers to dress only, not attitude. When planning Friday's wardrobe, remember image is a key to our success.

Memo No. 4: A seminar on how to dress for Casual Day will be held at 4 p.m. Friday in the cafeteria. Fashion show to follow. Attendance is mandatory.

Memo No. 5: As an outgrowth of Friday's seminar, a 14-member Casual Day Task Force has been appointed to prepare guidelines for proper dress.

Memo No. 6: The Casual Day Task Force has completed a 30-page manual. A copy of "Relaxing Dress Without Relaxing Company Standards" has been mailed to each employee. Please review the chapter "You Are What You Wear" and consult the "home casual" versus "business casual" checklist before leaving for work each Friday. If you have doubts about the appropriateness of an item of clothing, contact your CDTF representative before 7 a.m. on Friday.

Memo No. 7: Because of lack of participation, Casual Day has been discontinued, effective immediately.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
I came out of a convenience store the other day and some seedy looking guy walks up to me and holds up a little sign: "DEAF & DUMB... Can you spare $10?"

Wow! What happened to a dollar or two? So I reached into my pocket for my wallet, opened it, took out a folded piece of paper and handed it to him.

It said: "I CAN'T READ" and I walked away.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
animal trainer.......


As a professional animal trainer, I was disturbed when my own dog developed a bad habit. Every time I hung my wash out on the clothesline, she would yank it down. Drastic action was called for.

I put a white kitchen towel on the line and waited. Each time she pulled it off, I scolded her. After two weeks the towel was untouched. Then I hung out a large wash and left to do some errands.

When I came home, my clean clothes were scattered all over the yard. On the line was the white kitchen towel.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Worldwide Survey........

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Parenting the Amish teen.............

Parenting can be difficult, especially in a religious family.Here's a list so that you can identify when your Amish teenager is getting into trouble.

-Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.
-In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.
-Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup.
-He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
-His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
-Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
-You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
-Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."
-Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of cottage cheese.
-When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh." http://www.dailyhaha.com/jokes_view.asp?ID=696
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
WISE ADVICE FROM KIDS

"Medicine only works if it's cherry flavored." - Elissa, 9

"Good food always comes with a toy." - Ryan, 6

"Just because your dog drinks from the toilet, doesn't mean you should." -Joaquim, 7

"Don't dry the dog in the microwave." - Brittany, 5

"If mommy says no, then you should ask daddy." - Daniel, 7

"You can't eat soup with a fork." - Mel, 4

"Don't pick your nose when you're fingerpainting." -Xiang, 8

"Never ask mom when she's going to go on a diet." -Bob, 11
 

soberups

Pees in the brown Koolaid
Time to Reconsider US Involvment
Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction.

Why are we still there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble.

Why are we still there?

Many of our children go there and never come back.

Why are we still there?

Their government is unstable, and they have sloppy leadership.

Why are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized.

Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, from which we are supposed to bail them out.

Why are we still there?

There are many hostile religious sects, which we do not understand.

Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods, and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans.

Why are we still there?
We can't even secure the borders.

Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford.

Why are we still there?

It is becoming VERY clear . . . WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA ! ! !
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
7 Reasons Not To Mess With A Child.....


Reason 1... A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.” The teacher asked, ” What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him”.

Reason 2.... A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

Reason 3.... A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year old After explaining the commandment to “honor” thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?” Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

Reason 4.... One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, “Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?” Her mother replied, “Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.” The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, “Momma, how come ALL of grandma’s hairs are white?”

Reason 5.... The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. “Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ‘There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ‘That’s Michael, he’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out,”And there’s the teacher, she’s dead. ”

Reason 6... A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, “Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face..” “Yes,” the class said. “Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn’t run into my feet?” A little fellow shouted, “Cause your feet ain’t empty.”

Reason 7 ....The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: “Take only ONE. God is watching.” Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, “Take all you want - God is watching the apples.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
top 50 childrens book that didnt quite work........



1. You are Different and That’s Bad
2. Take a Walk Down the Railroad Tracks with Me
3. Dad’s New Wife ‘Greg’
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An "I-Can-Do-It" Book:
6. A Children's Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. How to Kick Ass At School
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. Adoption: A Fresh Start
13. Grandpa's new Casket
14. Fun With Abandoned Refrigerators
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking and Crying to Get your Way
19. Why You Were An Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes Froggy, And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Nightmares: Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid
24. A Child's Guide to Final Arrangments
25. Eggs, Toilet paper, and your School
26. Why Can’t Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. The Surprise at the Bottom of the Pool
30. If It Feels Good, Touch It!
31. Making Grown-Up Friends On The Internet
32. 101 Fun Games To Play In The Road
33. You Can’t Help It If You’re Stupid
34. Patty Went Splat! (Don’t YOU Forget Your Seatbelt)
35. Bullies Have More Fun
36. Mommy’s Got A New Baby To Love
37. Timmy’s The Wrong Color To Be Your Friend
38. I Dare You! 101 Challenges To Prove You’re Not A Sissy
39. Michael Jackson’s “Fun” Place
40. Harry Potter and the Stoned Sorcerer
41. I Am My Own Grandpa
42. Who’s My Daddy?
43. Fatherhood: A Guide for the Adolescent
44. Small Objects and Electrical Outlets
45. Different Daddies Each Day of the Week
46. Operation and Nomenclature of the Colt 1911-A1 .45 ACP
47. Little Hands, Big Toasters
48. How To Make A Plastic Bag Space Helmet
49. Santa Claus And Other Lies Your Parents Told You
50. Fun With Things Under The Kitchen Sink
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
MSNBC's Andrea Mitchell said that conservatives were trying to "appropriate" Ronald Reagan. Andrea, that's like accusing someone of stealing their own car.


During an interview on MSNBC, Former DNC Chair Howard Dean said "It's the government's job to redistribute". Ah, yes. The Constitution's infamous "spread the wealth around" clause.


President Obama is giving a speech in Michigan on Thursday which is billed as being "open to the public by invitation only." I guess that makes sense, considering his idea of health care reform was to create government-controlled free markets.


First Lady Michelle Obama defended her fattening Super Bowl party menu by saying that her healthy eating crusade is about "balance". Well, balance is fine, but we don't need the government in charge of the scale.


During a press conference, First Lady Michelle Obama announced that the President has finally quit smoking. I knew this was coming when he raised the tobacco tax.


A Canadian woman is suing US Border agents, claiming she was abused for failing to disclose that she had raspberries in her car. Good thing it wasn't a cheesebuger. Michelle Obama would've had her thrown in Gitmo.


Keith Olbermann said his new show on Current TV will be an "improved, amplified and stronger version" of his show on MSNBC. Great idea. Because when your neighbor's yippy dog keeps you up all night barking, the obvious solution is to get him a megaphone.


Democrat Senator Chuck Schumer complained that Republicans were "blindly swinging a meat ax to the budget". Maybe it's because the Democrats blindly fattened it like a Christmas goose.


During House testimony, Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano said the threat of terrorism is at "its most heightened state" since the 9/11 attacks. Wish we could say the same about our confidence in the Department of Homeland Security.


During a House hearing, a frustrated Republican Congressman asked the head of the EPA, "do you believe in the law of supply and demand?" You'd think more liberals would, since it's not actually written in the Constitution.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Here are the reasons I'd Like to thank Wal-Mart, K-Mart, Target, and my local grocer for having 25 checkout lanes and only three open at any given time...........

- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn!

- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.

- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot.

- I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne.

- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.

- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.

- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.

- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.

- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the we- never-open-enough-checkout-lanes store instead of my purse.

- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.

- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric muscle-contracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing.

- I can taste test my package of the newest low-carb, zero- transfat, Splenda-saturated cookies.

- I can breathe heavily on my T-bones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
It was OK, except...............

.
One night a flying saucer landed in the back yard of Tim and Ingrid of Pasadena, Texas. Two attractive aliens, one male and one female, emerged from the saucer and introduced
themselves as Martians. They told their hosts they had come to planet Earth to conduct an experiment.

Tim asked, "What do you want from us?"

The experiment was research on having sex with Earthlings, the aliens replied. "Would you two like to assist us with or experiment?"

Tim and Ingrid thought it over and said okay. Tim took the female alien into one bedroom and Ingrid took the male alien into the other bedroom. After the male was undressed,
Ingrid looked him over and started laughing. The alien asked what was so funny. Ingrid replied, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have laughed...It's just that you're not large enough to
satisfy any woman on Earth!"

The alien replied, "No problem. Watch this." He grabbed his ears and it grew 10 inches.

With a smile, Ingrid exclaimed, "Now that's more like it!"

A few hours later, after the aliens had gone, Tim asked Ingrid, "Did you enjoy sex with the alien?"

"It was fantastic," replied Ingrid. Ingrid asked, "How about you? Did you enjoy sex with the alien?"

Tim replied, "It was okay except she kept pulling my ears."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner. Dispatcher: Do you have an address? Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency? Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich . Dispatcher: Excuse me? Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it. Dispatcher: Was anything else taken? Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency? Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it. Dispatcher: This is nine eleven. Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing. Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.

My Personal Favorite!!! Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency? Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart Dispatcher: Is this her first child? Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

And the winner is……….

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I think I’m going to pass out. Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from? Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster. Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic? Caller: No Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing? Caller: Running from the Police.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their "soon-to-be" new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek and in a soft voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"


One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."


Without skipping a beat the old timer said, "Must be doing well...only two left."




Moral: DON'T MESS WITH OLD PEOPLE


 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Bert....

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different? It's
hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down
again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "shoulda bought a hat Bert.
Shoulda bought a hat."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
The Importance of Walking.......

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.


The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again
.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.


Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.


The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'


If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country. (like Switzerland)

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.


We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND


Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.


You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Overlooked Blessings................

The haven of a comforting shoulder to cry on; the warming embrace of a loved one.

Pampering yourself.

Listening to the whispers of your authentic self and taking your own advice.

The generosity and hospitality of good neighbors.

Finding a lost pet.

Rediscovering old family photos.

The intimate bond of friendship that protects, nurtures, inspires and comforts.

The man or woman in your life who is neither a past or present love but simply a precious friend who adores you.

Waking up to a perfectly beautiful day for a planned outdoor event.

Working with people you enjoy being around.

An opportunity to interview for the dream job. Getting it.

Receiving the perfect gift. Finding one for someone else.

Catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and delighting in what you see.

Having your child appreciate your sense of humor.

An unexpected compliment that makes your day.

Completing the crossword puzzle without help.

Looking fabulous at your class reunion.

Listening to the oldies and recalling happy moments.

Paying off your credit card balance.

Coming up with the perfect retort at the moment you need it and not two hours later.
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
Matter of Perspective

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in the park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leafs fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were," said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. "What team, do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Boston Bruins fan." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Bastard from Boston Kills Beloved Family Pet."
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.


Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.E.S.T.


I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.


First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... Isn't it?!


I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].


After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I e xplained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!


I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]


I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... After I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire drive r's side of the car.


Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.


The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).


;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... But I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!


Thoughtfully yours,


Alex
 

moreluck

golden ticket member
In my next life...
...I'm gonna be a bear.
If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.
I could deal with that.


Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.
I could deal with that, too.


If you're a bear, you birth your children while you're sleeping (who are the size of walnuts) and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs.
I could deal with that in a big way.


If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup...gonna be a bear.
 
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