Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

From Argus Hamilton

"Battle: Los Angeles drew huge crowds to movie theaters this weekend. Moviegoers weren't sure what they'd be seeing. When the advance press said it's about a huge number of aliens who take over Los Angeles, everyone just assumed it was a documentary."​

Charlie Sheen sued Warner Bros Thursday and demanded custody of his twins from Brooke Mueller. She's had cocaine problems and is now in day rehab. Last week Child Services removed the twins from the couple's house and put them in a safer environment, Libya.

 

[moreluck]

May the saddest day of your future be no worse
Than the happiest day of your past.

May the roof above us never fall in.
And may the friends gathered below it never fall out.

May you have warm words on a cold evening,
A full moon on a dark night,
And the road downhill all the way to your door.

May there be a generation of children
On the children of your children.

May you live to be a hundred years,
With one extra year to repent!

May the Lord keep you in His hand
And never close His fist too tight.

May your neighbors respect you,
Trouble neglect you,
The angels protect you,
And heaven accept you.

 

[moreluck]

The Rules of Writing


1. Verbs HAS to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should NEVER generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences? Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth-shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even IF a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
And finally...
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

 

[moreluck]

There were two old men sitting on a park bench.

Tina, a blonde woman, walks by.One old man says to the other one, "Ever sleep with a blonde?"

The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."

Angie, a brunette, then walks by. The old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a brunette?"

The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."

Amy, a redhead, walks by, and the old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a redhead?"

The other old man smiles and says, "Nope, not a wink."

 

[moreluck]

CUSSING IN CHURCH!
A crusty old man walks into the local Catholic church and says to the
secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, Sir. I must have
misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this
church."
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the priest's study to inform
him of her situation.
The priest agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul
language.
They both return to her office and the priest asks the old geezer, "Sir,
what seems to be the problem here?"
"There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 20 million
dollars in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get
rid of some of this damn money."
"I see," said the priest. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?

 

[moreluck]

Israeli supermodel Orit Fox was bitten on the breast by a snake during a photo shoot Tuesday. The snake died of silicone poisoning from biting fake breasts. The next day Charlie Sheen got a bill from Met Life tripling the monthly premiums on his accidental death policy. (Argus Hamilton)

 

[moreluck]

Stairway to laughter



A blonde, A brunette, and a red-head all died in a car crash, and they all went to heaven at the same time.
They arrive at the gates of heaven, when God appears and tells them they must pass a laughter test, if they fail, they will be sent to hell.
The objective was to climb 100 stairs without laughing. Each stair will have it's own joke.
The Brunette goes first, and laughs at the 46th stair.
The Red-Head goes second, and laughs at the 77th stair.
The Blonde, makes all the way to the 100th step, when she suddenly bursts out with laughter.
God asks "Why are you laughing now?"
The Blonde says "I just got the first joke!".

 

[moreluck]

I bought a great new toilet seat recently. On the label was a suggestion on how to clean it.

Although nice to have the option, I doubt I'll take advantage of it.

My toilet seat, it seems, is "Dishwasher Safe."

 

[moreluck]

Trade in........


If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish, and my paint job is getting a little dull. But that's not the worst of it. . .

My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close. My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins. It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it . . . almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter--either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

 

[moreluck]

The Big Sale​

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed in front of the store by 8:30, the store's opening time.
A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, & knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.
As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line,
"That does it! If they hit me one more time, I'm not opening the store!"

 

[moreluck]

While I was putting my reluctant four-year-old to bed one evening, he looked up at me and said accusingly, "I know what you and Dad do at night when I'm in bed." Rather taken aback by this statement, I asked what he meant. "You eat all the good stuff," he replied.

 

[moreluck]

Wills.............

I was in my Wills and Trusts course when the professor posed this question to the students: Why do people choose to have their children, rather than their siblings, inherit their estate?

After students offered various theories, one fellow raised his hand. "This may be a bit off the point," he said, "but when I was little, when my brother and sister finished playing with me, they would put me into a drawer."

 

[moreluck]

Subject: Ohio


The U.S. Postal Service issued a stamp honoring the one hundredth anniversary of the first flight by the Wright Brothers.

The first man in powered flight was from Ohio.

The first man ever to orbit Earth was from Ohio.

And the first man on the moon was from Ohio.

It sounds like a lot of people are trying to get out of Ohio.

 

[moreluck]

The Snotty Receptionist........

Yesterday, I had an appointment to see the urologist for a Prostate
exam.
Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have either gone
under the knife or had those pellets implanted.......

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist's desk,
I noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked
like a Sumo wrestler.
I gave her my name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said,

"YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE;
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to
look at me,
a now very embarrassed man.

But as usual, I recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice
replied,

'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION,
BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

The room erupted in applause!

DON'T MESS WITH OLD GUYS

 

[moreluck]

Actual headlines.......

Lawyer Says Client is Not That Guilty

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

Legislator Wants Tougher Death Penalty

Man Jumps Off Bridge. Neither Jumper nor Body Found

After Detour to California Shuttle Returns to Earth

Woman Improving After Fatal Crash

Deer Kill 17,328

New Vaccine may Contain Rabies

Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni

Publicize Your Business Absolutely Free - Just send $6.00.

 

[moreluck]

Caffeine Prayer​

Caffeine is my shepherd, I shall not doze.
It maketh me to wake in green pastures.
It leadeth me beyond the sleeping masses.
It restoreth my buzz.
It leadeth me in the paths of consciousness for its name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of addiction, I will fear no Equal (tm).
For thou art with me; thy cream and thy sugar they comfort me.
Thou preparest a carafe before me in the presence of Juan Valdez.
Thou anointest my day with pep; my mug runneth over.
Surely richness and taste shall follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the House of Folger's forever.

 

[moreluck]

Mary had a little lamb,

she kept it in a bucket.

And every time the lamb got out,

the dog would try to .....

put it back into the bucket!

 

[hubrat]

Didn't know where else to put it. Too funny not to post.

 

[moreluck]

Rules of Washington..........

~ If it's worth fighting for, it's worth fighting dirty for.

~ Don't lie, cheat or steal...unnecessarily.

~ There is always one more S.O.B. than you counted on.

~ An honest answer can get you into a lot of trouble.

~ The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

~ Chicken little only has to be right once.

~ "NO" is only an interim response.

~ You can't kill a bad idea.

~ If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried

 

[moreluck]

Is 70 years old.​

​

Today, if Dorothy were to encounter Men​

with no brains, no hearts, and no courage - ​

She wouldn't be in Oz -

She'd be in Congress.​

​