Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Pilot......

There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing
because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked."

Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a
B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the pilot remarked, "the dreaded
seven-engine approach."

 

[moreluck]

An Almost Oops!

As a state trooper, I drive a motor home to various weigh stations. It
serves as our office on wheels while we conduct truck inspections. When the
motor home is in reverse, it makes a repetitive beeping noise. One quiet
morning I backed the unit out of its carport and stopped alongside my
regular patrol car to retrieve something.

As I walked along the car, I heard the familiar beeping sound. My heart
stopped as I turned expecting to see the $80,000 vehicle backing itself down
the driveway. To my relief, the motor home was not moving.

At the top of a nearby tree sat a mockingbird perfectly mimicking the beep.

 

[moreluck]

grocery clerk....

It was very crowded at the supermarket, and the customer in front of me had a large order. As the harried looking clerk lifted the final bag for her, its bottom gave way, sending the contents crashing to the floor.

"They just don't make these bags like they used to," the clerk quipped to the customer. "That was supposed to happen in your driveway!"

 

[moreluck]

Kids - Before and After

The 3 words you most want to hear from your husband are:
Before kids: "I love you"
After 1st child: "Let me help"
After 2nd child: "I'll change her"

The best toys are:
Before kids: wooden and educational
After 1st child: plastic and educational
After 2nd child: plastic and silent

The last restaurant you visited had:
Before kids: elegant tables, an innovative menu, impeccable service
After 1st child: clean tables, a children's menu, quick service
After 2nd child: an available table, the menu on the wall, self-service

You see a child having a tantrum in a store and you feel sorry for...:
Before kids: yourself
After 1st child: the child
After 2nd child: the mom

A home-cooked meal is...:
Before kids: 5 courses, plus wine
After 1st child: main dish, vegetable, and starch
After 2nd child: frozen macaroni and cheese

"Goodnight Moon" is...
Before kids: what?
After 1st child: a cute children's book
After 2nd child: memorized

Children should be potty trained...:
Before kids: as soon as possible
After 1st child: when the are developmentally ready
After 2nd child: sometime before they leave for college

You choose your grocery store based on...:
Before kids: selection
After 1st child: price
After 2nd child: a candy-free checkout lane

You call your mom on Mother's Day to say...:
Before kids: "I love you"
After 1st child: "Thanks, Mom"
After 2nd child: "Please forgive me for my childhood"

"Sesame Street" characters you can name are...:
Before kids: Big Bird, Grover, Oscar the Grouch
After 1st child: Elmo, Zoe, and Slimey the worm
After 2nd child: All of them

You spot your neighbors' child wearing striped tights, a flowered dress,
combat shoes, and a tiara and you think...:
Before kids: her mom needs some fashion tips
After 1st child: her dad needs some fashion tips
After 2nd child: won't she get too hot in tights?

You're waiting in line for a rest room when a mom dragging a toddler "in
need" enters. You...:
Before kids: wonder if the kid will make it
After 1st child: give up your place in line
After 2nd child: shout "let's move it, ladies, we have an emergency
here!"

- Parenting Magazine

 

[moreluck]

Congressman......

A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.

"But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it."

"This is my position, and I will not compromise!"

 

[moreluck]

Bayonet.....

A Civil War soldier, who had lost his bayonet, whittled one from wood so
that he could pass inspection. He hoped he would not be discovered until the
regiment had gone into battle, where he planned to pick one up from a dead
soldier.

At inspection, an officer asked to see his bayonet. The soldier stated,
"Sir, I promised my father I would not unsheathe my bayonet unless I
intended to kill someone with it."

The Officer insisted that the soldier hand over the bayonet.

Taking it out, the soldier looked skyward and said, "May the Lord change my
bayonet to wood for breaking my vow."

 

[moreluck]

Image is Everything

Many of us "Old Folks" are quite confused about how we should present
ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and
whether or not we are correct as we try to be nice and conform to the
fashions that the designers in NYC, California, and/or Paris inflict upon
the world. So I made a sincere study of the situation and here are the
results.

Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations do not go together:

1. A nose ring and bifocals

2. Spiked hair and bald spots

3. A pierced tongue and dentures

4. Miniskirts and support hose

5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads

6. Speedos and cellulite

7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar

8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor

9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge

10. Bikinis and liver spots

11. Short shorts and varicose veins

12. In-line skates and a walker

With these guidelines I'm sure we'll all be looking good.

 

[moreluck]

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.Let's see now.......
No Jesus.

No Wal-Mart.

No television.

No cheerleaders.

No baseball.

No football.

No NASCAR.

No basketball.

No hockey.

No golf.

No tailgate parties.

No Home Depot.

No hot dogs.

No burgers.

More than one wife. (HELLO, ARE YOU CRAZY?)

Rags for clothes and towels for hats.

Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.

Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.

No chocolate chip cookies.

No Girl Scout cookies.

No Christmas.

You can't shave.

Your wives can't shave.

You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung

The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.

Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey, but your donkey has a better disposition.

Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really. IS THERE ANY MYSTERY HERE?

 

[moreluck]

Senior Cruiser......

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine. The doctor asks him about his intimate life. "Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Bill, and at your age too." the doctor said. "I hope you took at least some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet Doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."

 

[moreluck]

Classified joke......

$10,000 06' Suzuki GSXR 1000

Farmington, UT 84025 - Aug 7, 2006

This bike is perfect! It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service (Expensive). It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently "do whatever you want" doesn't mean what I thought. Call me, Steve. 800-555-8292

 

[moreluck]

Avid Golfer at the Pearly Gates

Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and arrogance,
that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael approached the
Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather than pass through
the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped to ask a question.

"Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf course
you have here," he said to St. Peter.

"That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.

"But it does". And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed,

"Well if I can't see it, then I'm not coming in!"

"Very well, Michael. As you wish...look through the gates."

He looked and saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that
it made him sick to his stomach.

"Forget it! There is no way I'm going to spend eternity playing on that
course."

Just then, Michael heard the devil calling him over the gate.

"Come over here and see what I have to offer."

Michael peers through the gate and he is elated. There is the most
absolutely fabulous golf course he has ever seen. He turns to the devil and
says, "Yeah, I want to play that course!"

"Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."

St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the gates
closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said, "I can't
wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball?

The devil roared with laughter. "Oh that. There aren't any."

 

[moreluck]

"As a boy I lived on a farm in Canada," the famous economist John Kenneth Galbraith once recalled. "On the adjoining farm lived a girl I was fond of. One day as we sat together on the top rail of the cattle pen we watched a bull servicing a cow. I turned to the girl, with what I hoped was a suggestive look, saying, 'That looks like it would be fun.' She replied, 'Well... she's your cow.'"

 

[moreluck]

WHY I Prefer DOGS.......over kids.....

~ They eat less
~ They're easier to train
~ They usually come when called
~ They don't ask for money.
~ They don't drive your car.
~ They don't smoke or drink
~ They don't have to have the latest fashions.
~ They don't wear your clothes.
~ They don't need a gazillion $ for college.
~ And if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

 

[moreluck]

Problems Solved!

Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop
using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That
would
be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come
down. Problem solved!
__________________________________________________

Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catch an
illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and
some ammo and ship him to Iraq.
Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in
the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it.
After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he
defended
this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal
patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and
provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a
better
life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq
anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved!

 

[moreluck]

Q: Why do pedophiles love Halloween so much?
A: Free delivery

 

[Babo54]

The Watch



An Army Helicopter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this, and asks, "Is your date running late?" "No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it." The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" The Helicopter pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically." The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...." "The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am wearing panties!" The Helicopter pilot smirks, taps his watch, and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

 

[moreluck]

Life Sayings from Country Folks.....

Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.

Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.

Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.

You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You can't unsay a cruel thing.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

 

[moreluck]

A Billion......

The next time you hear a politician use the word "billion" in a casual
manner, think about whether you want him spending your tax money. A billion
is a difficult number to comprehend, but here is help:

a. A billion seconds ago it was 1959.
b. A billion minutes ago Jesus was walking on earth.
c. A billion hours ago our world was created.
d. A billion dollars ago was only 8 hours and 20 minutes, at the rate our
government is spending it.

Note: Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu (D), is presently asking the Congress
for $250 BILLION to rebuild New Orleans. What does this mean? If you are
one of 484,674 residents of New Orleans (every man, woman, child), you each
get $516, 528.21 Not bad

 

[moreluck]

Dubya.....

Laura Bush bought "Dubyah" a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick Cheney, "The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to mispronounce over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," Cheney said. "But you realize that he just 'says' the words. He doesn't understand what they mean."

"That's okay," Laura replied. "Neither does the parrot."

 

[moreluck]

DOG RIDDLES........

What kind of dog makes a good librarian? A hush puppy.

Why is a Dalmatian terrible at hide and seek? Because it's already been spotted.

What do you call a dog that likes honey? Winnie the Pooch.

If you crossed Head and Shoulders with a small dog would you get a shampoodle?

If you crossed a dog with a telephone would you get a golden receiver?

What does a lazy dog chase? Parked cars.

When's the best time for a dog to come inside? When the door is open.

Why did the dog go sit in the corner every time the doorbell rang? It was a boxer.

Why was the dog jealous of a tree? It had a better bark.