Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

An Irish daughter had not been home for ten years.
Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time?

Why did ye not write to us? Not even a line. Why didn't ye call?
Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?"

The girl, crying, replied, "Dad, I was too embarrassed. I became a prostitute."

"Ye what? Get out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family, so yer are."
"OK , Daddy, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mammy this luxurious fur coat, a title deed to an eight bedroom mansion plus a $5 million check. For me little brother Seamus, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition
convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the Limerick Country Club.” She takes a breath and continues, "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Caribbean."
"Now what was it ye said ye had become." says Daddy.
Girl, crying again, "A prostitute Daddy!"
"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death girl! I thought ye said a PROTESTANT. Come here and give yer old Daddy a big hug."

 

[moreluck]

HOT COFFEE

Gotta love those grand kids ..

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"
Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!" ..

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?"
I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush or Clinton, maybe Abraham Lincoln...

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House."
She continued, "If he sees his shadow, we have another year of bull."

It hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

 

[moreluck]

A Handsome Tip.....


A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage.


He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."


The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.


The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

 

[moreluck]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, “If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?”

She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, “None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.”

The teacher replies, “The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking...”

Then little RALPHY says...

“I have a question for YOU. There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream...One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, “Well, I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”

To which Little RALPHY replied, “The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.”

 

[moreluck]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH...

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an friend in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks the father?

“The teacher asked “How much is 2x3, I said 6”, replies RALPHY.

“But that’s right!” says his dad.

“Yeah, but then she asked me “How much is 3x2?”

“What’s the friend------ difference?” asks the father.

“That’s what I said!”

 

[oldngray]

 

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LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH


Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

RALPHY says “Mas-tur-bate.”

Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little RALPHY, that’s a mouthful.”

Little RALPHY says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

 

[moreluck]

 

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LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR....

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.”

“Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

“My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.”

She said, “Excellent, Michael!”

Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

“Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said “Beautiful, just friend------ beautiful!”

 

[moreluck]

Good Luck Tutu


All but two of the ballerinas were in costume early for the matinee performance. At 1:55, the distressed director asked the remaining women why they weren't dressed yet.

The first one said, "It may seem like a silly superstition, but I never put mine on until 1:58."

"What about you? The same thing?" he asked the other dancer.

"Oh, yes. I have a two to two tutu, too!"

 

[moreluck]

 

[moreluck]

When I spotted a Navy captain on the street, I saluted and bellowed, "LST 395", which was the designation and number of the ship I served on during World War II.

The captain returned my salute and responded, "LMD 67."

"What's an LMD?" I asked.

"Large Mahogany Desk."

 

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Sons in College


Two men sank into adjacent train seats after a long day in the city. One asked the other, "Your son go back to college yet"?

"Two days ago."


"Hmm. Mine's a senior this year, so it's almost over. In May, he'll be an engineer."


"What's your boy going to be when he gets out of college"?

"At the rate he's going, I'd say he'll be about thirty."

"No, I mean what's he taking in college"?

"He's taking every penny I make."

"Doesn't he burn the midnight oil enough"?

"He doesn't get in early enough to burn the midnight oil."

"Well, has sending him to college done anything at all"?

"Sure has! It's totally cured his mother of bragging about him!"

 

[moreluck]

A Texan and An Australian


A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney’s larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What’s that!”

In reply the Australian said, "Thats the Gladesville Bridge."

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?”

The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."

The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."

Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan.

"That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?”

The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men".


The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"

The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
'"

 

[moreluck]

 

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The Printer



When a guy's printer began to malfunction, he called a local repair shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned.

Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you discourage business?"

"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly.

"We usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things themselves first."

 

[moreluck]