Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2
- Thread starter moreluck
- Start date
moreluck
golden ticket member
A girl came skipping home from school one day. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!”
“Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, friend, G!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, pumpkin, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. “Very good,” said her embarrassed mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No, it’s because you’re 25.”
“Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, it’s because you’re blonde,” her mother replied.
The next day, the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, friend, G!” “Very good,” said her mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, Mommy?” “Yes, pumpkin, it’s because you’re blonde.”
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. “Mommy, Mommy,” she yelled, “we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!” And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. “Very good,” said her embarrassed mother. “Is it because I’m blonde, mommy?” “No, it’s because you’re 25.”
Boulevard859710
Well-Known Member
True story: I worked at a race track back in 1990. We had an old retired Judge come in and he tripped and cut his forehead. One of the employees said, "He must have misjudged his step."
Boulevard859710
Well-Known Member
Ready or not here I come.
Look carefully. Then giggle to yourself.
moreluck
golden ticket member
The Play
The football team was getting clobbered. The first-string quarterback was injured. The second-string quarterback was injured. Even the punter was injured. All the coach had left was their third-stringer who had yet to play a down all year. He pulled the quarterback aside. "Look son, we can't afford to let them score again. We've got to run some time off the clock. Here's what I want you to do."
"On first down, run it to the left. On second down, run it to the right. On third down run it up the middle. Then, on fourth down, punt it as far as you can punt it.
"OK coach!" said the quarterback.
On first down he ran it to the left for 30 yards. On second down he ran it to the right for 40 more. On third down he ran it up the middle down to the one yard line. Then, on 4th down, the quarterback dropped back and punted the ball right out of the end zone.
When he got to the sideline, the coach was screaming! "What were you thinking?!!!?!!!"
The quarterback replied, "I was thinking I must be playing for the dumbest coach in the world."
The football team was getting clobbered. The first-string quarterback was injured. The second-string quarterback was injured. Even the punter was injured. All the coach had left was their third-stringer who had yet to play a down all year. He pulled the quarterback aside. "Look son, we can't afford to let them score again. We've got to run some time off the clock. Here's what I want you to do."
"On first down, run it to the left. On second down, run it to the right. On third down run it up the middle. Then, on fourth down, punt it as far as you can punt it.
"OK coach!" said the quarterback.
On first down he ran it to the left for 30 yards. On second down he ran it to the right for 40 more. On third down he ran it up the middle down to the one yard line. Then, on 4th down, the quarterback dropped back and punted the ball right out of the end zone.
When he got to the sideline, the coach was screaming! "What were you thinking?!!!?!!!"
The quarterback replied, "I was thinking I must be playing for the dumbest coach in the world."
moreluck
golden ticket member
Meet The Neighbors
A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome.
The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily,
"Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!"
"Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. "And then what did she do?"
"Then she gave it to the policeman." the boy said.
A family who had just moved into a new neighborhood was anxious to make a good impression. But the neighbors seemed cold and made no overtures of welcome.
The mother of the brood was overjoyed when finally her youngest son ran in and announced happily,
"Mommy, the lady down the street asked my name today!"
"Oh, how nice!" exclaimed the mother enthusiastically. "And then what did she do?"
"Then she gave it to the policeman." the boy said.
moreluck
golden ticket member
While taking stock of our products, I read aloud the final numbers to my boss. As he entered each one into a calculator, I deleted it off my mobile device.
Only after I'd finished did we realize that he entered the numbers on his desk phone's keypad.
~David Marland~
Only after I'd finished did we realize that he entered the numbers on his desk phone's keypad.
~David Marland~
moreluck
golden ticket member
During that first roll call in the Army, I waited in dread as the sergeant got to my name: DiFeliciantoni.
There was bound to be trouble, and I was right, because suddenly, he fell silent - eyebrows arched, brain overloaded.
After a long pause, he thundered, "the alphabet?!"
There was bound to be trouble, and I was right, because suddenly, he fell silent - eyebrows arched, brain overloaded.
After a long pause, he thundered, "the alphabet?!"
moreluck
golden ticket member
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Three months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men could not imagine the horrible surgery performed on Phil!
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, after months of physiotherapy Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and very nervously thanked Suzie.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "Hi, I'm Phil."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife again, the word is sternum."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain.
We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
The men could not imagine the horrible surgery performed on Phil!
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, after months of physiotherapy Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and very nervously thanked Suzie.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.
He said, "Hi, I'm Phil."
The entire congregation held its breath.
"I just want to tell my wife again, the word is sternum."
oldngray
nowhere special
Southern Engineering Exam
I, for one, am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South and I challenge any so-called "smart" Yankee to take this exam:
1.. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2.. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO
3.. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of moonshine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4.. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser’s will be drunk before all the trees are cut down?
5.. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6.. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
7.. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
8.. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town, which has been bypassed by the Interstate, to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that this test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if y'all didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya there's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.
As an added bonus for taking the "RED NECK CHALLENGE," here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece....
Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.
I, for one, am sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South and I challenge any so-called "smart" Yankee to take this exam:
1.. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2.. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
(A) '65 Ford Fairlane
(B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) '64 Pontiac GTO
3.. If your uncle builds a still, which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of moonshine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4.. A woodcutter has a chainsaw, which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser’s will be drunk before all the trees are cut down?
5.. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6.. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?
7.. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?
8.. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town, which has been bypassed by the Interstate, to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that this test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if y'all didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya there's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life.
As an added bonus for taking the "RED NECK CHALLENGE," here's some southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece....
Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.
moreluck
golden ticket member
The Diagnosis
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
A recent college graduate took a new job in a hilly Eastern city and began commuting each day to work through a tiring array of tunnels, bridges and traffic jams. Thinking it would make the trip more bearable, he invited several coworkers to share the ride. However, the commute actually got more stressful, especially the trips through the tunnels. He consulted the company doctor.
"Doc," the frustrated commuter complained, "I'm fine on the bridges, in the traffic, in the day and at night, and even when Joe forgets to bathe all week. But now, when I get in the tunnels with those four other guys crowded into the car, I get anxious and dizzy, and I feel like I'm going to explode."
Without further analysis, the doctor announced he had diagnosed the ailment.
"What is it, Doc? Am I going insane?"
"No, no, no, my boy. You have something that is becoming more and more common."
"Tell me! What is it?"
"You have what is known as Carpool Tunnel Syndrome.
moreluck
golden ticket member
You Do......
My dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like.
It seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?"
And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?" And my mom said, "He does."
My dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like.
It seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?"
And she said, "I do."
Then the minister asked my dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?" And my mom said, "He does."
moreluck
golden ticket member
My sixth-grade class would not leave me alone for a second. It was a constant stream of "Ms. Osborn?" "Ms. Osborn?"
"Ms. Osborn?"
Fed up, I said firmly, "Do you think we could go for just 5 minutes without anyone saying 'Ms.Osborn?"
The classroom got quiet. Then, from the back, a soft voice said, "Um...Cyndi?"
~Cyndi Osborn~
"Ms. Osborn?"
Fed up, I said firmly, "Do you think we could go for just 5 minutes without anyone saying 'Ms.Osborn?"
The classroom got quiet. Then, from the back, a soft voice said, "Um...Cyndi?"
~Cyndi Osborn~
Similar threads
- traveler
- The Archives