Heard Any Good Ones: Part 2

[moreluck]

Public Speaking

We were discussing the "don'ts" of public speaking in the PR class I teach.

"Don'ts" include a man reaching into his pants pocket and jangling change as he speaks, which is very distracting.

To illustrate my point, I asked for a student volunteer, saying, "I need a man with coins in his pocket."

What I got instead was a girl yelling out, "Honey, so do I!"

 

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Hemingway.....

A visitor to a certain college paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall that had been built on campus.

"It's a pleasure to see a building named for Ernest Hemingway," he said.

"Actually," said his guide, "it's named for Joshua Hemingway. No relation."

The visitor was astonished. "Was Joshua Hemingway a writer, also?"

"Yes, indeed," said his guide. "He wrote a check."

 

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A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'My wife's going
to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's
dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs...and I was
in the wrong one!!
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco
___________________________________________________________________
At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an
elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . . I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'....replied the patient with a sad sigh.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA
___________________________________________________________________
One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife
that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the
rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

 

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Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it

and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
"Computer really messed up now.”

 

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During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his
Cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having
Trouble with one of his medications.

'Which one?'. .. . I asked.

'The patch. The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six
Hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!'
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I
Wouldn't be seeing. ....Yes, the man had over fifty patches
On his body!

Now, the instructions will include removal of the old patch
Before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA

 

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A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young
Woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk,
Sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis,
So she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the
Staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above
It there was a Tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note
On the patient's dressing, Which said,
'Sorry . . . Had to mow the lawn.'

Submitted by RN no name,

 

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God Enjoys A Good Laugh


There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black :
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian :
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian :
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian :
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish :
1. He never got married..
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do.

Can I get an AMEN?
=

 

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As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite
Embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
To cover
My embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of
Whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam
Suddenly burst out laughing, further embarrassing me.

I looked up from my work and sheepishly said...
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'

She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing
So hard…

'No doctor but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was
An Oscar Meyer Wiener .'

Dr. Wouldn't submit his name....

 

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Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the sales lady asked if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this stuff but me."

 

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Can't Outsmart a Rancher


A wise old Texas rancher went to town to trade for a pickup truck he saw advertised in the paper for an unbelievably low price. After showing the salesman which truck he wanted, they sat down to do the paperwork.


The salesman handed the rancher the keys and the bill, to which the Texas rancher angrily declared, "This ain't the price I saw!"



The salesman went on to tell the wise old Texas rancher how he was getting extras such as power brakes, power windows, special tires, etc. and that made the final price higher.



The Texas rancher wanted only that truck and no other, so he begrudgingly paid the price and drove it home. A few months later, the salesman called the Texas rancher.



"My son is in 4-H and he needs a cow for a project. Do you have any good cows for sale"?



"Yep, I've a few good cows priced to sell at $500 each. Come on out and take your pick."



The salesman said he and his son would be right out.



After spending a few hours in the field checking out all the rancher's cows, they decided on one and the salesman proceeded to write a check for $500.



"Now, wait a minute, that's not the final price of the cow. You're gettin' extras and you have to pay for those, too!"



"What extras"? asked the salesman.



"I think you'll find all you're gettin' listed here!"



Basic Cow: $500.00
Two Tone Exterior: $45.00
Extra Stomach: $75.00
Product Storing Equipment: $60.00
Straw Compartment: $120.00
Four Spigots at $10 each: $40.00
Leather Upholstery: $125.00
Dual Horns: $45.00
Automatic Fly Swatter: $38.00
Fertilizer Attachment: $185.00



Grand Total: $1,233.00

 

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The Best Position


Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.

"No," another contended, "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the third insisted, "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "the best prayin' I ever did was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

 

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Dinner


One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked.

His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loves him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.

Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"

She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"

As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"

Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

 

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Tech Support


Years ago, I worked in the customer service call center of a pager company. I dealt with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional loony caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.



A good call came from Arthur, who repeatedly complained that he kept being paged by 'Lucille.'

I told him he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.



'She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back,' Arthur said unhappily.



After three such calls, I thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.

'She leaves her name,' was Arthur's reply.



After establishing that the customer had a numeric-only pager, the light bulb came on.



'How does she spell her name?' I asked.



'L-O-W C-E-L-L,' dictated Arthur clearly.



Yet another technical problem solved!

 

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Computer Password


A new employee calls the help desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.



"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.



"Those asterisks are there to protect you," the help desk technician explains. "So, if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."



"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there isn't anyone standing behind me."

 

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The Guide......


A tourist is traveling with a guide through one of the thickest jungles in South America, when he comes across an ancient Mayan temple. The tourist is entranced by the temple, and asks the guide for details. To this, the guide states that archaeologists are carrying out excavations, and still finding great treasures. The tourist then queries how old the temple is.

"This temple is 1503 years old", replies the guide.

Impressed at this accurate dating, he inquires as to how he gave this precise figure.

"Easy", replies the guide. "The archaeologists said the temple was 1500 years old, and that was three years ago."

 

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Late For Class....

A college business professor noticed that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended, he went around the room asking students questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on his tardy pupil.

"And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.

"I don't know," the student said.

"Perhaps if you came to class on time, Mr. Roberts, you would know," said the professor.

"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"

 

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Little Timmy


Timmy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.

On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."